for esp those with secondary IF-- what do you say when...

[Anonymous]

I have to admit that I used to be one fo these people that ignorantly asked this question (prior to have kids, after having one easily). However, now that I am suffering from secondary infertility, I realize so much more the issues that go into this---and have begun to hate this question as well. I'm so sick of it that now I just tell people that I'm trying, we'll see what happens and if they prod, I'll say--I'm having difficulties, ok? I want it to happen but perhaps it's never going to....then they back off.

[Anonymous]

I would NEVER ask someone I just met that question and it amazes me that people have asked you. I would only ask my close friends things like that and if I knew someone was having/had a particularly rough time with #1, I would definitely be more sensitive about asking. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Just say "I don't know" or "Never say never"
If you tell them you are praying for one or working on it -
then if it doesn't happen and you run in to these people a year or two later, it could lead to an even more annoying conversation and trust me you don't want people to feel sorry for you. I've been through this and thankfully I have a baby now but the one thing I regret about my time with infertility is telling people that I wanted another one. OP, keep hope. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

How about "you never know" with a smile and a shrug? That's what I say. Hopeful and noncommital.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. 14:29, I think you must run into much nicer people than me! I get asked this All The Time... I think people assume because I have one I 1) can have another one 2) want another one. And I run into well-meaning but clueless people (usually mothers of my daughter's friends) all the time.

And I agree... what if I am on the brink of divorce and dont' think another child is a good idea? Or think "one is enough" for our family and am annoyed at people suggesting otherwise? Or, as I do, have fertility issues? There are so many reasons I think the question is inappropriate for a casual friend, and yet like others I wonder what horrible things I have asked others that I shouldn't have...

[Anonymous]

I like "I don't know" but what about when the question is "do you want other kids?"

Or maybe the dialog is:
- Do you want other kids
- I don't know if or when we'll have more

[Anonymous]

DH and I have yet to have our first child, but I've gotten questions at this stage, too, from family as well (e.g., SIL, who has a child, has asked before, "When are you having children?") I think I just said "We'll see" -- I certainly didn't like being asked, though I know she was coming from a happy place with it, having experienced the joy of being a first-time mom. I find it progressively more difficult as the months pass by, though, because I'm in my later 30s, and I'm hearing news that this person or that person (usually younger) is now expecting. So, I expect soon again I'll hear that question.

[Anonymous]

Before I got married, I was aware enough not to ask that question of couples who didn't *yet* have children, but probably asked it of couples who had kids. THis is when I knew next to nothing about IF and so it didn't cross my mind that if someone had kids, having more would be an issue--to me, it was simply a decision, will you have more or not? Now that I'm a little more aware of the challenges that people often face in having [more] kids, I am much more careful, but I imagine the question wasn't from a malicious place....anyway, when I'm asked (we have one) I say "who knows? perhaps if we're lucky" and that usually changes the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before I got married, I was aware enough not to ask that question of couples who didn't *yet* have children, but probably asked it of couples who had kids. THis is when I knew next to nothing about IF and so it didn't cross my mind that if someone had kids, having more would be an issue--to me, it was simply a decision, will you have more or not? Now that I'm a little more aware of the challenges that people often face in having [more] kids, I am much more careful, but I imagine the question wasn't from a malicious place....anyway, when I'm asked (we have one) I say "who knows? perhaps if we're lucky" and that usually changes the subject.

I agree, I get asked when are you having another one? much more frequently than I was ever asked when we were having kids before my DD. I think people see you with one and assume there is no issue. Of course this doesn't excuse the other reasons why this is a rude question (as previous posters mentioned: problems in marriage, only want one child, maybe first child was adopted, etc).

In response, I usually say "we hope to". Implying that yes, we want more children, but mere wanting them doesn't mean it will happen. And then quickly change the subject.

What really gets my blood boiling though is when people say, you better get on it, or its better to have your kids closer together or some other completely ignorant and judgmental comment.

[Anonymous]

Right. I get asked all the time, and I really do think the reason is that people assume that since I have one I want others (true) and can have them easily (not true). Also I'm around young parents most of the time.

I tell people I had a traumatic birth with my son and am not sure I'll be able to have others. It doesn't seem too strange and most of the time the subject changes. Quickly.

[Anonymous]

thanks ladies for giving me some clever responses to those rude questions.