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for esp those with secondary IF-- what do you say when...
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Anonymous
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You're asked for 100x by someone you randomly met at the playground "so, when are you planning on having more?" or even worse, "are you having any more?"
What I want to say is either "we JUST met and that's absolutely, none of your business and by the way may be a really hurtful question to about 10% of the population" or "I'm in an IVF cycle right now, I hope this one works" or "well, it's been crushing for me that we can't get pregnant and I've suffered some really awful losses. I wish I could have more about 2 years ago" or a combination of all of the above... but something tells me that might end akwardly... This happened again today and I'm so livid the person asking me couldn't mind read that my "excuse me?" really meant a "woah, you've overstepped the bounds." Maybe: "Yes, I've wanted another child for some time now?" I am sick of saying "maybe." |
Anonymous
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We had primary IF (is that the right term?) and deal with this all the time too. I just smile and say that we'd love more. It's the absolute truth. If I know them a bit more, I'll say that we'd love more, but that #1 took a lot of years, so there are no guarantees. After years of dealing with "when are you having kids," I have to say the "are you having another" questions are easier for me, just because I do now have my DD. And that's really sufficient for me.
I also try to remind myself that I likely have tread on toes in this way before (Will you be with your family for Christmas? - not knowing a close family member has died. Did you talk to your mother on Mother's Day? - not knowing that mother passed away last year.) Dealing with IF has made me more sensitive to that stuff, but has also made me realize most people who are asking these questions are coming from a good place, mean me no harm and are just making conversation. So I give the simplest, most truthful answer I can under the circumstances, and steer the conversation somewhere else. |
Anonymous
| No advice, only a comment: I've had friends who have decided NOT to have children (never wanted any) and they find it totally out-of-line to ask the "when are you going to have kids" question of them! To me, my family planning - infertility or not -- is REALLY NOT the business of anyone besides those really close to you (and not theirs, either). |
Anonymous
| This is the OP: "I'd love more, but there are no guarentees" might fit the bill well for me. It satisfies my need to lecture while sounding like I'm talking about myself (i.e., no guarentees *I* will have more). Still feels like a slap in the fact to the last couple of years of difficulty to smile and say that, but I know that's my issue! |
Anonymous
| PP that is so true that most people mean no harm and giving a simple honest answer is the best way to go, getting angry is a waste of energy. |
Anonymous
| People ask me this all the time and it is really annoying. What's even more offensive is that they will turn to my daughter and ask "when is Mom going to give you a baby brother or baby sister" as if DD has some kind of control over the situation. Even friends say stupid #$%^ like this. I'm thinking from now on I might just reply with "I can't have more children" just to make the questioner feel like an @ss. Sorry, for the rant! |
Anonymous
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I totally understand!! These questions drive me absolutely insane, too -- especially when DC is involved("When is mommy going to get you a little brother or sister?" Some people are complete morons!
That said, I force myself take the high road -- not because I'm some angelic person, but because I don't want to open up further conversation about our secondary IF situation. Really, if I wanted to share with this person, I would have. The fact that they're asking a rude question makes me even LESS likely to want to discuss this with them. So here's what I say: Rude Person: So, are you all planning to have another one? Me: We are. Not sure about timing yet. More often than not, this ends the conversation right there, and on a pleasant enough note. I think most people don't mean to be rude and don't have any idea that the subject may be sensitive. They're just trying to make conversation. Sometimes, however, there are people who feel the need to press on and tell me (a) not to wait too long, sometimes coupled with a reminder that I'm "not getting any younger" (Right. F-You!!); or (b) it's better to have kids close in age (again, more F-You!) While seething inside, I usually just respond with something vague like, "We'll see how it goes." Obviously I have anger around this, and I definitely understand the urge to lecture or educate or just vent when people are rude. How else will they learn, right? But my stronger urge is to avoid sharing personal information with someone who so clearly makes me uncomfortable. But that may just be me . . . . |
Anonymous
You're defensive about it because it is a tough question for you given your situation, the person asking the question, has no idea what you're going through. It's an innocent enough question, and certainly not a malicious one. Choose your answer based on what kind of dialogue you want to have after. A simple "working on it" should suffice. Maybe she/he thought you had an amazing, beautiful child and that's why they asked? Perception of that question may change 
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Anonymous
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I generally say "we'll see." There are plenty of times when I'd love to say something rude, or to tell the truth, but I'm afraid that will just lead to my breaking down in tears. So I try to move past the topic as quickly as possible with a short and curt response.
And to the PP, no, it is actually pretty rude, unless you are fairly good friends with someone, to ask about their family planning. It is even more rude to ask in a public setting with others around. I've thought this long before I ever experienced IF. |
Anonymous
Couldn't agree more. I was raised not to ask questions that pry into acquaintances' bedroom lives. |
Anonymous
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Just say, "we will see" and smile.
It says so much but really nothing at all. |
Anonymous
I agree. I'm always tempted to say something like, "We'll see. Meanwhile, how's your sex life going?" but of course do not. |
Anonymous
| I agree that's it's a rude question. What are we really talking about here? Sex and reproduction. Even when there are no medical issues involved, it's rude to ask. |
Anonymous
| I too get asked all the time, and while it's rude, I don't find it upsetting. I say, "I pray every day for another one" and leave it at that. My first kid - as you all now have guessed - was a result of a long, expensive, painful bout of trying. I can use all the help I get, and I will tell you that DH and I did pray the month I got pregnant. Yes, it makes me more vulnerable. But, I've had wonderful responses: stories of people who also struggled, people who tell me they will pray for us, deep breaths by those who suddenly realize it's not the simple question they wanted it to be (and not polite either!). |
Anonymous
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This is the OP. Thanks for all the commisseration. I agree that I'm more defensive and upset given my situation, and I also agree that I've ALWAYS thought asking about someone's family planning is just rude for people who aren't great friends. It's not even the sex part, but the whole other part about family in general that I find annoying. I think part of the reason what happened yesterday was so offensive to me was that it was part of a poll of people who had literally just met each other -- i.e., the woman went around the group and asked who was planning on having more kids. Maybe others were having the same reaction I was -- one woman responded "oh no, I'm too old" but given that she looked about 27 I wonder if that may have been code for other issues.
I LOVE "I pray evryday for anotehr one." Perfect. Thank you. It implies that issues exist, but that you're forward looking as well. Good luck to everyone. |