Who's the martyr here?

[Anonymous]

OP, get some help already.

[Anonymous]

PP here - "overwhelmed more easily" means that he's the absent-minded type who can be scattered. He's like that with everything. I'm a lot more organized and focused (anal?) by nature. I kind of roll with it and cut him some slack; not everyone is a classic type-A firstborn perfectionist former straight-A student like myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dad, who for unassailable legitimate reasons spends a maximum of 15 minutes a day with the kids, and does none of the "work" like laundry, packing lunches, bath/bedtime?

Or the mom, who does every parenting job on top of her full-time paying job, and receives virtually no recognition or thanks for picking up the slack?

Neither. It seems that mom loves to play the role of martyr to garner sympathy. She is a grown woman and can speak and she should do so. What are DH's "unassailable legitimate" reasons for spending a max of 15 minutes with children? As long as she does everything he isn't going to help. Give him a job--his laundry--if he doesn't then he has no clean clothes. Tough luck and then he might help her. Nobody can take advantage of you unless you allow them to do so.

[Anonymous]

You are weird - and neurotic beyond belief.

Write your own f-ing blog, for Christ's sake!

Anonymous wrote:OP---my DH is like that---EXCEPT he does do the laundry...lots of it.

However, we both work full-time and I do the brunt of all things child and household-related. I do not consider myself a martyr because this is the split we have mutually agreed upon for the following reasons:

I WAH 100%, with EXTREMELY flexible hours. I make a great salary---but DH makes close to triple what I make.

DH is an independent consultant with essentially no holiday/vacation/sick leave (it is lwop whenever he takes a day). He doesn't get home until the earliest 7:30pm. His job (I know it--I've been with him for 14 years) is much more demanding then mine. I have tons of both annual and sick leave.

DH handles our finances because he was an econ major and is great with this. We have a great portfolio. He always fines the best loan rates, the best investments, etc. He tries to get me involved--but I am much more into the kid-stuff.

I am the one that found every childcare option for my kids---from the preschools to the nanny, etc. I am here for the playdates and I have daily contact with their teachers, etc. I am the one that has time to run over to the grocery store during the day and to get dinner started each night...though he has begun to pick up dinner on his way home a few nights a week...calling to ask what I feel like.

I do the morning routines and I do the evening bath routines. DH will read to the kids at night.

I have time to go to the gym on my lunch hour...DH does not so he goes after work (will come home to spend time with the kids; then go for a run or head to the gym 2 blocks away after he reads to them). I wholeheartedly support this because exercise is essential to preventing so many diseases/conditions and is a big part of both of our lives.

DH does all the lawn work and takes out the trash, etc.

This scenario works in our lifestyles at the moment. I don't believe you could have a 100% 50-50 split in a marriage all of the time---nor do I feel it is the best option. I think it is a big mistake to go down the slippery rope of "I do this, you didn't do this...blah, blah...". Each partner brings different things. Each partner has different strengths. If you are under-appreciated then that is something else entirely. My DH is the one that suggested the housekeeper when he saw I was struggling. He does what he can with the strenous work schedule--but I recognize this and try to give him a break here and there.

We have been working our a** off for the past 14 years since we met (only have had kids for 5 years) so that we build our equity and look forward to him being able to work in a position with less hours in the coming years...for now this is our mutual goal. As our schedules change so will our "jobs". We also are training our boys to start learning some of the household chores---trash, emptying dishwasher, etc. They are only 2.5 and 5, but I see lawn-mowing in their future too!

[Anonymous]

OK, I am so sick of people saying no one can take advantage of you unless you let them. Fine! Maybe that's true, but sometimes you let them because you have no other choice.

This answer is more to the people who answered OP rather than for OP herself. In a lot of situations, people are taken advantage of and have zero choice or control over it. It's so simple to say "leave," and "make him/her pick up the slack." Things have to get done every day and no one can make the other spouse do it if they don't want to. I was in this situation doing all of the work while working full time while DS's dad HAD to go out three times a week to be able to relax, and HAD to sleep in every weekend and NEVER changed a single diaper. I pleaded with him for more help, cried, begged, nagged, got a house keeper to help me. I begged him to go to therapy with me and he wouldn't. At the end it was all in vain because HE left. Why did I stick around for as long as I did? Because I wanted to keep our family together and that was my way of fighting for it. I had NO CONTROL over what he did or didn't do. Life isn't fair sometimes and it's not always out choice for it to be that way. I bet the people who are stating "no one can take advantage of you if you don't let them" have never experienced an uncooperative, selfish spouse. And often this happens AFTER the children are in the picture. So please, enough with the canned "self help" CRAP, and get a dose of what real people live like.

[Anonymous]

"I bet the people who are stating "no one can take advantage of you if you don't let them" have never experienced an uncooperative, selfish spouse."

You couldn't be more wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I bet the people who are stating "no one can take advantage of you if you don't let them" have never experienced an uncooperative, selfish spouse."

You couldn't be more wrong.

OK so how did you stop your spouse from treating you unfairly?

[Anonymous]

Your spouse was uncooperative and selfish before you married him. You were just too dumb to read the signs.

bottom line

Anonymous wrote:"I bet the people who are stating "no one can take advantage of you if you don't let them" have never experienced an uncooperative, selfish spouse."

You couldn't be more wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse was uncooperative and selfish before you married him. You were just too dumb to read the signs.

bottom line

Anonymous wrote:"I bet the people who are stating "no one can take advantage of you if you don't let them" have never experienced an uncooperative, selfish spouse."

You couldn't be more wrong.

You're so stupid I don't even know where to begin.

1) parenting is a MAJOR change in one's life and along with sleep deprivation, lack of time, lack of space, could possibly come a huge change in character. Lots of couples never go through anything major before they marry and don't know how the spouse will act in EVERY situation. I thought I'd be one kind of a mom before I had a child and now I'm something completely different. My spouse certainly couldn't have known that about me when he married me. EVEN I didn't know.

2) some people really are bad judges of character. But does that make them deserving of the shitty treatment they get from spouses? Absolutely not!!!

The only thing that YOU CAN change is not to feel angry and hurt over how they treated you and that comes with time in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

I'm not the one with the uncooperative and selfish husband; you are. So who's the stupid one?

Of course having children changes dynamics, but before you got married, you should have seen signs - of selfishness, in particular. You chose not to.

I know I'm somewhat selfish in how I value my "me time." So I made that clear to him. I knew daycare wasn't for me either. So we planned to have family watch the children. He loves to travel 2x/year to see out-of-town friends. That was a given. I hate doing laundry; he does it. He hates shopping; I do it. He works FT; I work PT. I'm responsible for childcare costs and tuition. His paycheck covers our basic living expenses.

If you weren't working out a 50-50 share before marriage, go ahead and feel sorry for yourself, but it's really your fault.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse was uncooperative and selfish before you married him. You were just too dumb to read the signs.

bottom line

Anonymous wrote:"I bet the people who are stating "no one can take advantage of you if you don't let them" have never experienced an uncooperative, selfish spouse."

You couldn't be more wrong.

You're so stupid I don't even know where to begin.

1) parenting is a MAJOR change in one's life and along with sleep deprivation, lack of time, lack of space, could possibly come a huge change in character. Lots of couples never go through anything major before they marry and don't know how the spouse will act in EVERY situation. I thought I'd be one kind of a mom before I had a child and now I'm something completely different. My spouse certainly couldn't have known that about me when he married me. EVEN I didn't know.

2) some people really are bad judges of character. But does that make them deserving of the shitty treatment they get from spouses? Absolutely not!!!

The only thing that YOU CAN change is not to feel angry and hurt over how they treated you and that comes with time in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

OMG! MAKE YOUR HUSBAND PICK UP THE SLACK!!! I would never put up with that crap from my DH and he KNOWS it!

[Anonymous]

Dear God. Glad I'm not in that marriage.

[Anonymous]

All the more reason not to marry (or breed) with someone who is not thoroughly vetted.

But OP, if you have a little extra money and the house/childcare/cooking/whatever have got you down, pay for some help. Figure out what is a good balance in terms of tasks you would like to do, and hire out the rest of it.

Could it be instead that you can't relinquish control of anything? Or your standards are unrealistically high? I would look twice at how you equate "just rolling with it" with doing everything yourself. Most people wouldn't call that the same thing.

In terms of your husband's contribution, I know mine has a very limited tolerance for micromanaging, and if I hassle him about how he's doing something, it's pretty much a guarantee that he not want to do it again.

[Anonymous]

I'm really upset about this "no one can take advantage of you" thing, too. First of all, nobody can ever be "thoroughly vetted" because people change. Mentally ill people can change dramatically, for example, but some women live with merely unpleasant husbands whose selfish... or maybe abusive behavior didn't rear its head until they were pretty thoroughly entangled (and perhaps completely dependent) financially. I don't know what you would suggest these women actually do besides decide how much they're willing to tolerate rather than plunge themselves and their children into poverty, because both options are unattractive. Don't blame the victim.

If you've got one of these lousy husbands, he isn't necessarily going to start pitching in or supporting more outsourcing financially just because you "stop tolerating" his selfishness. He might continue to refuse to help, he might be quite nasty about it, and he might make such a fuss that you wish you hadn't asked. OP has at least some income, but if she starts spending more money on outsourcing and he disagrees, claims she's spending a disproportionate amount on herself, makes it really unpleasant... what can she do? She could leave, but there are costs involved there as well, and an end result that isn't necessarily better.