If you held off on divorcing because you didn’t want to lose your home or life as you know it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed because I couldn’t imagine risking a situation where I wasn’t there all of the time to protect the kids.

And then out of nowhere he filed and I got served without warning.

Anything can happen and your life can turn on a dime even if you think you’re making the active choice to put up with whatever just to maintain a status quo that feels better than the unknown. You have less control than you think.

Now I’m fighting for custody with this cruel, scary person, and where I’ll live, what I’ll do, and what will happen to us is all totally unknown.

Right now I want you to hurry and do anything you can to protect yourself. Imagine he files tomorrow, in a week, or in a month, and work back from there. Documents are easier to get than you think so don’t panic about those. If you have an expense coming up that would come out of marital assets, buy it now. Do start attorney consults right this minute. Mine were rushed to meet a filing deadline and I wish I’d had more time and not been forced to react.

This is what happened to me! In my mind "he would never" until he actually did (and was...) I'm sorry you went through this with kids. Mine are grown but I was still terrified to upend my life. I had worked my entire life but with his encouragement I had stopped working a few years before he ran away because "we don't need your income". After decades together I believed he actually wanted me to find something more meaningful to do with my time and pursue interests I had placed on the back burner so he could travel extensively for work and build his business (and carry on affairs for years!!). That was a cold hard slap in the face and it was scary AF to find myself at my age without my career to fall back on.

And yet....I'm so grateful to him for pulling the plug. I decided to work on why I had decided to stay with someone like him for so long with whom I shared zero emotional or physical connection. His behavior has been awful so I wanted to look at all the red flags I ignored. We had an amazing physical connection when we first met. That fizzled pretty quickly. I now see I spent decades assuming that if there had once been a connection it had to still be there somewhere. Reader: it was not there.

The divorce process has been torture. My mild mannered considerate husband (lol) became an absolute monster and unleashed such venom and anger towards me while running around with "the love of his life".He refuses to settle the divorce and has used every stalling tactic possible. But I have never been happier in so many other ways and all the things I thought I couldn't live without were very poor substitutes for a loving, healthy relationship. There is indeed light at the end of the tunnel. He's furious that I have rebuilt my life without him. I can't get those years back so I don't beat myself up. I've done tons of therapy. I'm not interested in playing blame games or living in regret.

Losing your home and life as you know it feels absolutely terrifying and overwhelming until you're actually in it and working your way through it and you can start to see that those things were not a good tradeoff. Financial stability, a nice house, nice clothes and nice vacations do not make up for the hell of being married to the wrong person. You deserve better, and better doesn't have a price tag.

It seems to me that women are the most concerned about maintaining that pre divorce lifestyle? Why? Don't you have the confidence to bounce back.

I knew my standard of living was going to take a big hit when my ex filed for divorce. But I also used that as an opportunity to challenge myself and have a even better standard of living. It only took 5 years for that to happen. Today I am wealthier and happier. And we have 50/50 custody, and I pick up the kids on her days to drive them to their activities etc...

It seems to be that women are very scared about the unknowns instead of seeing it as an opportunity.

Gee I think I know why you got divorced!

No, women are not gold-diggers to fear divorce. They most of all worry about giving 50% custody to men who have been bad fathers. Women have also frequently not been able to focus on their careers so they are starting from a disadvantage salary wise. And of course women face sexism in the workplace so they cannot just “challenge themselves and get a higher standard of living” in all cases. And many women (raises hand!) have made a financial tradeoff where they let their ex take more assets or provide less child support in order so that the kids can be with her more of the time, because the dad is not a good parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed because I couldn’t imagine risking a situation where I wasn’t there all of the time to protect the kids.

And then out of nowhere he filed and I got served without warning.

Anything can happen and your life can turn on a dime even if you think you’re making the active choice to put up with whatever just to maintain a status quo that feels better than the unknown. You have less control than you think.

Now I’m fighting for custody with this cruel, scary person, and where I’ll live, what I’ll do, and what will happen to us is all totally unknown.

Right now I want you to hurry and do anything you can to protect yourself. Imagine he files tomorrow, in a week, or in a month, and work back from there. Documents are easier to get than you think so don’t panic about those. If you have an expense coming up that would come out of marital assets, buy it now. Do start attorney consults right this minute. Mine were rushed to meet a filing deadline and I wish I’d had more time and not been forced to react.

This is what happened to me! In my mind "he would never" until he actually did (and was...) I'm sorry you went through this with kids. Mine are grown but I was still terrified to upend my life. I had worked my entire life but with his encouragement I had stopped working a few years before he ran away because "we don't need your income". After decades together I believed he actually wanted me to find something more meaningful to do with my time and pursue interests I had placed on the back burner so he could travel extensively for work and build his business (and carry on affairs for years!!). That was a cold hard slap in the face and it was scary AF to find myself at my age without my career to fall back on.

And yet....I'm so grateful to him for pulling the plug. I decided to work on why I had decided to stay with someone like him for so long with whom I shared zero emotional or physical connection. His behavior has been awful so I wanted to look at all the red flags I ignored. We had an amazing physical connection when we first met. That fizzled pretty quickly. I now see I spent decades assuming that if there had once been a connection it had to still be there somewhere. Reader: it was not there.

The divorce process has been torture. My mild mannered considerate husband (lol) became an absolute monster and unleashed such venom and anger towards me while running around with "the love of his life".He refuses to settle the divorce and has used every stalling tactic possible. But I have never been happier in so many other ways and all the things I thought I couldn't live without were very poor substitutes for a loving, healthy relationship. There is indeed light at the end of the tunnel. He's furious that I have rebuilt my life without him. I can't get those years back so I don't beat myself up. I've done tons of therapy. I'm not interested in playing blame games or living in regret.

Losing your home and life as you know it feels absolutely terrifying and overwhelming until you're actually in it and working your way through it and you can start to see that those things were not a good tradeoff. Financial stability, a nice house, nice clothes and nice vacations do not make up for the hell of being married to the wrong person. You deserve better, and better doesn't have a price tag.

It seems to me that women are the most concerned about maintaining that pre divorce lifestyle? Why? Don't you have the confidence to bounce back.

I knew my standard of living was going to take a big hit when my ex filed for divorce. But I also used that as an opportunity to challenge myself and have a even better standard of living. It only took 5 years for that to happen. Today I am wealthier and happier. And we have 50/50 custody, and I pick up the kids on her days to drive them to their activities etc...

It seems to be that women are very scared about the unknowns instead of seeing it as an opportunity.

Bouncing back in your late 50s is pretty f%^ing daunting, which is the age many people are when they divorce after kids have left the home.

I'm bouncing back just fine all things considered but you're delusional if you think most women AND men aren't going to face a lot of challenges trying to rebuild a career at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…but you ended up divorcing anyway, how do you feel about your life now?

My marriage is not a stable or kind one. My spouse does not treat me in a way that most people would think a partnership should look like. My spouse can be downright cruel, inflexible, and cold.

I can support myself and my children on my own. But I’d lose my home that I worked my entire life to have. I’d probably lose my friends as we’d have to go to a different school. I’d be alone and probably would have zero interest in dating for a very long time.

I know a lot of people stay in unhappy situations because the logistics are too difficult to separate. But if you decided to do it, do you have regrets? Are you happier now that you can breathe?

I didn’t care about the home. I was aware that I was vulnerable because I wasn’t vested at work yet.

Waiting didn’t help because bullies can never be appeased.

The only good thing that came out of waiting is the kid conceived a few months before I filed.

[Anonymous]

Curious before you all had kids with these monsters, did you even think about how you were bringing kids into crappy marriages?

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s scary to make the decision to leave and it’s a highly personal one. But at some point something will happen and you know that staying is impossible. I stuck out for years for the kids. I’m recently separated and now have a new set of worries— financial, keeping things steady for the kids, selling the home. But what I don’t have anymore is a husband who doesn’t love me and I won’t have my kids living / seeing a loveless marriage l ever again. Fix your marriage if you can- really and truly try. But if it can’t be fixed by both, there is another way. It’s hard but worth it also when your old life is working

[Anonymous]

Pp- Pls excuse typos

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious before you all had kids with these monsters, did you even think about how you were bringing kids into crappy marriages?

Fair question ..

[Anonymous]

If you lose your friends because you move to a different school district, they were not your friends to begin with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you lose your friends because you move to a different school district, they were not your friends to begin with

Not entirely true. Situational friendships can be genuine friendships. Not every friendship can or should be lifelong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious before you all had kids with these monsters, did you even think about how you were bringing kids into crappy marriages?

Hah. May your smugness come back to bite you.

The short answer, as you likely already know, is that people change. Or they can no longer keep on the mask after a few years. Or they have mental health breaks. Or mid-life crises. Or they snap.

[Anonymous]

I am not happier since separating, but there is an ease and freedom you my life that didn’t exist inside the marriage.

What is good is that my ex and I live close and the kids can ride bikes between houses. They are also older 11 and 15 so are pretty independent and can be left alone.

Parenting solo on my weeks can be lonely and exhausting but…it was like that with him as well. Just different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious before you all had kids with these monsters, did you even think about how you were bringing kids into crappy marriages?

Hah. May your smugness come back to bite you.

The short answer, as you likely already know, is that people change. Or they can no longer keep on the mask after a few years. Or they have mental health breaks. Or mid-life crises. Or they snap.

Seriously. My ex's financial success went to his head which happened after we had kids. He's that guy who has to let you know he has GROUP ONE BOARDING. The guy I married and had kids with was happy to be able to afford a plane ticket in Economy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious before you all had kids with these monsters, did you even think about how you were bringing kids into crappy marriages?

Hah. May your smugness come back to bite you.

The short answer, as you likely already know, is that people change. Or they can no longer keep on the mask after a few years. Or they have mental health breaks. Or mid-life crises. Or they snap.

Seriously. My ex's financial success went to his head which happened after we had kids. He's that guy who has to let you know he has GROUP ONE BOARDING. The guy I married and had kids with was happy to be able to afford a plane ticket in Economy.

My ex’s financial success came right after he filed. “Coincidentally”. Maybe don’t file before an earnings release, clown. But his personality was headed in that direction long before.

I only had one kid before I realized that he wasn’t just a Group One Boarding Guy at the airport, but felt entitled to it at home. Group One Boarding Guys don’t understand why they have to wake up in the middle of the night for a kid if someone else can, why they have to cook if someone else can, or why they have to explain when they’ll be home from the office or leaving on a trip.

My ex DH thrives on external validation and immediate gratification. Being part of a family offers pretty much the opposite of those kinds of rewards, so he eventually bailed after years of making it clear that Group One Boarding Guys don’t do [fill in the blank].

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have this magical idea that when you get divorced, you have this great sense of freedom and you can finally breathe but the truth is that’s not going to happen with the kids are grown up because coparenting is very stressful. It’s difficult and you’re basically trading one set of problems for another set of problems. Your situation does not sound that bad to me.

I divorced after 10 years but I knew I wanted to divorce immediately so I literally waited 10 years. I did not wait 10 years because of how my life was or because of the house I waited 10 years for the kids would be more independent because I could not leave them alone with him when they were little.

I still don’t feel that free because the coparenting is very intense. Kids have a lot of activities. There’s a lot going on. It’s constant communication so, no, I can’t breathe better I’m counting down until they go to college. That is now eight years away.

Maybe your situation wasn’t that bad. After my divorce, I had to coparent and talk to my ex maybe twice a week. That was an extremely worthy trade off for not having to walk on eggshells in your own house 24/7, for being able to see my friends and family, and for getting medical care when I needed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious before you all had kids with these monsters, did you even think about how you were bringing kids into crappy marriages?

Hah. May your smugness come back to bite you.

The short answer, as you likely already know, is that people change. Or they can no longer keep on the mask after a few years. Or they have mental health breaks. Or mid-life crises. Or they snap.

Seriously. My ex's financial success went to his head which happened after we had kids. He's that guy who has to let you know he has GROUP ONE BOARDING. The guy I married and had kids with was happy to be able to afford a plane ticket in Economy.

lol did we divorce the same guy?! Have had this exact convo!