How do highly sensitive boys turn out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a highly sensitive DS. He is 14. He did not do well in a large public elementary school with large classes and lots of ostentatious behavior. He has done much better in a small private school with small classes. It also took trial and error to find sports/ extra curriculars that clicked for him given his personality. In some sports he could play well, but his sensitivities made it a hard sell. Band / strings can be a good fit for kids like this. And individual sports like swimming and running, maybe tennis/ golf. He's doing well by all measures. The sensitive nature is an asset, it just takes a bit more work helping him navigate the loud "look at me" culture we live in and finding his place. FWIW, adults who meet DS for the first time think he's awesome and comment on him being a better listener, more respectful/mature, etc. than your average HS boy.

Yes this sounds like how my son is leaning. He is in a small private school and is doing well. His classmates are kind and no bullies there but I do worry he might not find his people since it is a small school vs a larger public. He has no interest in team sports but enjoys all the individual sports, and is doing well with his music lessons, though his perfectionism gets in the way often. Glad to hear your son is doing well at 14!

I know these type of kids will impress adults, but I know kids don't care much about that and care more about their peers. Is your son able to have good friends while not having to hide or suppress himself?

PP here. DS has lots of individual friends. He's never really been part of a larger social group. This is one of the many ways I've found parenting him to be a bit more work than your average kid (but worth it). When he expresses that he connected with another kid at school or an activity, I go out of my way to get them together and foster that connection to ensure he's got a buddy at school and other places. I'd say DS has one good neighborhood friend (and had others in the past, but they moved), and 3-4 good friends at school but they're not all in one group, they're more individual connections he has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you're describing sounds a lot like my 7 year old son. I don't know if it's neurological or something else. He is more introverted, plays with stuffies like they are real, and is sensitive to violence and loud noises. Last year we went to the Indiana Jones stunt show in Disney HS. He was so worried about the actor's wellbeing that he started crying, despite my assuring him the show was just pretend. He will also start crying and hold his ears if we go somewhere that is very loud. However, he also has friends and is doing well in school. He wanted to do soccer because his older brother plays, and it's been great for his confidence. He is almost too well-behaved and needs some encouragement to advocate for himself, go after the ball, etc.

DP but I want to note that sensitivity to loud noises and environments could be indicative of something else, like autism. It's not always the same as emotionally sensitive.

PP here. True. That's why I wrote in my post that I don't know if it's neurological or something else. I suppose I should have added "or both" because it's possibly a combination of factors. But also, sensitivity to loud noises isn't always autism and shouldn't be assumed to be.

[Anonymous]

One of brothers is like this. He is very smart and successful as an adult and has built a life that suits his temperament. He married someone who is also very sensitive, perhaps even more than he is. They don’t have kids nor could I imagine them with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he in any sports? Mine was highly sensitive at 2-7 and putting him in soccer and flag football in K and 1st grade helped him relate more to other kids and to be able to get over small things. He can also deal better with noisy places, crazy places like arcades, and stand up for himself.

I don't disagree with you, but do find it interesting that you advocate masculine sports as a "fix" to a sensitive kid. I'm glad it seemed to be a fit for your son. I am the poster who said I don't think it's all that uncommon to have sensitive boys. But I also think it's really common to try to change them, so those who don't or can't change might stand out more.

Not as a fix, but to be able to get along better in the world. I am a highly sensitive person myself and never did any team sports or activities. I am content but also often wonder how life would be different if I had had to “join in.” I am very sensitive and continue to engage in my own solo hobbies and also married an introvert with OCD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he in any sports? Mine was highly sensitive at 2-7 and putting him in soccer and flag football in K and 1st grade helped him relate more to other kids and to be able to get over small things. He can also deal better with noisy places, crazy places like arcades, and stand up for himself.

He's loves a lot of the individual stuff: biking, swimming, rock climbing, running, tennis. But team sports is a big no for him, at least up to this point. We've tried soccer and basketball and he was not a fan. Not sure if it was the chaos, dealing with other kids, lots of people watching him, or the unique pressures of team sports/letting your team down. It's a lot of headache trying to push him to do things he doesn't like, so i've given up, but it is always a hard question how much we as parents should nudge our kids out of their comfort zone vs only doing things in their comfort zone. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

I have a highly sensitive college kid who is thriving. If you haven't yet, please read/share the "highly sensitive child/person" books/website with him. https://hsperson.com/

Like many other PPs, my kid gravitated toward individual sports, music, reading and writing. He did much better at a small private. His peer group was mostly women in HS, though he has found good male friends at his SLAC (now a junior).

Each year, he got better at navigating his sensitivity, finding his people and ECs, avoiding things he didn't enjoy (theme parks, loud indoor concerts), and scheduling his own "downtime" to recharge (that's why I think looping your DC in with the HSP books could be helpful).

He handles himself well today, juggling classes and internships, and so many ECs. He is loved by teachers and employers, has had many girlfriends, and has half a dozen close male friends.

Like you, I used to worry when he was younger, but I feel confident in the person he is today.

And of course, I'm immensely proud of him (always have been), but having a highly sensitive adult kid is pretty awesome. Often, highly sensitive people have a high EQ (emotional intelligence), with strong self-awareness and empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP since you also mention perfectionism I would advise you to consider if your so has an anxiety disorder. It's fairly common, and perfectionist tendencies is a strong indicator.

There is nothing at all wrong with being a sensitive child/boy/man, so I'm not trying to say that! Just sharing from my experience with an anxious kid so you can seek the right support if needed.

It's hard to untangle. On some level, don't sensitivity and perfectionism/anxiety go hand in hand? He is a perfectionist partly because he is so sensitive to disappointing others. But I do think another part of it is bring hard on himself. Maybe that is a separate issue. I am definitely a perfectionist and for the most part, I think it has helped me in life, but that only works when you also learn nothing is ever perfect but hard work gets you a little better each day. I see the perfectionist in him but not the patience with himself to practice, so that is what i try to work on with him. Sorry that was a bit of a rambling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a highly sensitive DS. He is 14. He did not do well in a large public elementary school with large classes and lots of ostentatious behavior. He has done much better in a small private school with small classes. It also took trial and error to find sports/ extra curriculars that clicked for him given his personality. In some sports he could play well, but his sensitivities made it a hard sell. Band / strings can be a good fit for kids like this. And individual sports like swimming and running, maybe tennis/ golf. He's doing well by all measures. The sensitive nature is an asset, it just takes a bit more work helping him navigate the loud "look at me" culture we live in and finding his place. FWIW, adults who meet DS for the first time think he's awesome and comment on him being a better listener, more respectful/mature, etc. than your average HS boy.

Yes this sounds like how my son is leaning. He is in a small private school and is doing well. His classmates are kind and no bullies there but I do worry he might not find his people since it is a small school vs a larger public. He has no interest in team sports but enjoys all the individual sports, and is doing well with his music lessons, though his perfectionism gets in the way often. Glad to hear your son is doing well at 14!

I know these type of kids will impress adults, but I know kids don't care much about that and care more about their peers. Is your son able to have good friends while not having to hide or suppress himself?

I am not this PP but the person who said this description resonated with me and my son is 16. My son is at a large public school and has found his people. I do think this is very possible.

The question you bolded above is such the right question to ask (to me). The path my son took is I would say he is now a bit more guarded around people. He has walls up a bit more than he did when he was younger. When he was younger, I remember he was just so shocked and hurt when people were awful. But when he is with his people, he is fully himself. He is kind and thoughtful (qualities that when he was in early middle school other boys made fun of him for!...tough to watch) and a good friend and funny and amazing.