For those of you who don't allow your teen to have a smart phone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Anecdotally, my kid has four particular 13-14-year-old friends without a smart kid, and they are DMing my kid messages that include racial slurs, violence against girls, and pornography, sometimes after midnight (my kid has no access to a phone, iPad, or computer after 8 pm). Sometimes these messages come on a gaming platform. I’m sure none of your kids would do that, though.

Pinwheel poster here. My kids aren't on devices in their rooms and no one is on a device of any sort after bedtime. I can't control what they do at friends' houses but they aren't doing anything they wouldn't do on their own smart phone if they had one, only more frequently. Kids are who they are. But more use and access doesn't somehow make you want to be edgy less often?

In fact, I suspect these kids you know DON"T have frequent access to phones because their parents know they have trouble filtering or understanding social cues or controlling their impulses.

Parents still need to talk a lot to kids about online messages and dangers. Their not having one doesn't make these conversations unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Anecdotally, my kid has four particular 13-14-year-old friends without a smart kid, and they are DMing my kid messages that include racial slurs, violence against girls, and pornography, sometimes after midnight (my kid has no access to a phone, iPad, or computer after 8 pm). Sometimes these messages come on a gaming platform. I’m sure none of your kids would do that, though.

I'm going to say something you won't like. Your kids are not associating with the right people. I have teens and young adults, and when my kids were tweens and young teens, they rapidly distanced themselves from anyone who expressed that sort of nonsense.

There will always be idiots in the world. Why on earth are your children attracted to that type? You need to parent better, instead of posting smugly about the failures of parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Anecdotally, my kid has four particular 13-14-year-old friends without a smart kid, and they are DMing my kid messages that include racial slurs, violence against girls, and pornography, sometimes after midnight (my kid has no access to a phone, iPad, or computer after 8 pm). Sometimes these messages come on a gaming platform. I’m sure none of your kids would do that, though.

Yeah, it doesn't seem like those kids should have a smart phone. So I am not sure what your point is. They should have a smart phone so they can send messages like that all day?
Kids get around parental restrictions (that's not new) and there is no foolproof way to monitor. Every system has holes that a teen could exploit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Anecdotally, my kid has four particular 13-14-year-old friends without a smart kid, and they are DMing my kid messages that include racial slurs, violence against girls, and pornography, sometimes after midnight (my kid has no access to a phone, iPad, or computer after 8 pm). Sometimes these messages come on a gaming platform. I’m sure none of your kids would do that, though.

I'm going to say something you won't like. Your kids are not associating with the right people. I have teens and young adults, and when my kids were tweens and young teens, they rapidly distanced themselves from anyone who expressed that sort of nonsense.

There will always be idiots in the world. Why on earth are your children attracted to that type? You need to parent better, instead of posting smugly about the failures of parents.

OP here. I agree with you, and I think our kid does too, as they were embarrassed by what their friends had sent, and part of our discussion has been about distancing themselves from these friends. Our kid isn't super popular and doesn't make new friends easily, so this is all hard.

[Anonymous]

OP, your kid has an iPhone and is on Instagram, TikTok, and Snapchat. You have ZERO room to judge or lecture other parents. I don't care if you are monitoring his usage (though I guarantee there are things your kid is doing online that you are unaware of), just regular use of those apps is bad for your kids brain. He could be watching wholesome cooking videos on TikTok and I'd still judge your decision here because it's short-circuiting his ability to focus and also who knows what other content he's getting via adds, comments, and suggested videos. TikTok is a cesspool that many adults can't even handle appropriately.

We got my kid a watch with texting capabilities so that she can contact us and have a bit more freedom. She needs parental approval on both sides to add a friend as a contact, and all the adults involved monitor the text chains. Also my kid is getting online safety lessons from us regularly, and while she has no access to social media, she knows what it is, knows why we don't permit it, and knows why it's dangerous and what specific behaviors are especially dangerous (including communicating with anyone you dont' know IRL, sharing photos or personally identifying info even just the background in an innocent photo, or trusting information you see online without verifying it elsewhere).

I don't buy that "the real problem" is people restricting their kids access to phones and social media, OMG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Anecdotally, my kid has four particular 13-14-year-old friends without a smart kid, and they are DMing my kid messages that include racial slurs, violence against girls, and pornography, sometimes after midnight (my kid has no access to a phone, iPad, or computer after 8 pm). Sometimes these messages come on a gaming platform. I’m sure none of your kids would do that, though.

Yeah, it doesn't seem like those kids should have a smart phone. So I am not sure what your point is. They should have a smart phone so they can send messages like that all day?
Kids get around parental restrictions (that's not new) and there is no foolproof way to monitor. Every system has holes that a teen could exploit.

My point is that withholding a smartphone isn't a panacea. We all need to talk to our kids regularly about what they share online, whether or not they have smartphones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Anecdotally, my kid has four particular 13-14-year-old friends without a smart kid, and they are DMing my kid messages that include racial slurs, violence against girls, and pornography, sometimes after midnight (my kid has no access to a phone, iPad, or computer after 8 pm). Sometimes these messages come on a gaming platform. I’m sure none of your kids would do that, though.

Yeah, it doesn't seem like those kids should have a smart phone. So I am not sure what your point is. They should have a smart phone so they can send messages like that all day?
Kids get around parental restrictions (that's not new) and there is no foolproof way to monitor. Every system has holes that a teen could exploit.

+1, OP may be mistaking cause and effect here.

Most middle school kids I know have some kind of phone or way to text friends. Having no access at all to stuff like that indicates to me that potentially those parents tried and there was abuse of the technology and now they are trying to put the genie back in the bottle. OP might think "well my kid got a phone at 11 and he's a good kid, so the key to having a good kid is to give them a phone at 11. Uh.... no. Assuming OP's kid really isn't doing anything sketchy online, I'd say she got lucky there because 11 is WAY too young to have a smart phone and access to social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kid has an iPhone and is on Instagram, TikTok, and Snapchat. You have ZERO room to judge or lecture other parents. I don't care if you are monitoring his usage (though I guarantee there are things your kid is doing online that you are unaware of), just regular use of those apps is bad for your kids brain. He could be watching wholesome cooking videos on TikTok and I'd still judge your decision here because it's short-circuiting his ability to focus and also who knows what other content he's getting via adds, comments, and suggested videos. TikTok is a cesspool that many adults can't even handle appropriately.

We got my kid a watch with texting capabilities so that she can contact us and have a bit more freedom. She needs parental approval on both sides to add a friend as a contact, and all the adults involved monitor the text chains. Also my kid is getting online safety lessons from us regularly, and while she has no access to social media, she knows what it is, knows why we don't permit it, and knows why it's dangerous and what specific behaviors are especially dangerous (including communicating with anyone you dont' know IRL, sharing photos or personally identifying info even just the background in an innocent photo, or trusting information you see online without verifying it elsewhere).

I don't buy that "the real problem" is people restricting their kids access to phones and social media, OMG.

Okay, but you do sound a little like the mom of my kid's friend who DOES have a Snapchat account that his mom doesn't know about and who has sent my kid DMs that are borderline child pornography. Now, her mom probably doesn't give her regular online safety lessons like you do, but she does believe her daughter has no access to social media, which is not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Anecdotally, my kid has four particular 13-14-year-old friends without a smart kid, and they are DMing my kid messages that include racial slurs, violence against girls, and pornography, sometimes after midnight (my kid has no access to a phone, iPad, or computer after 8 pm). Sometimes these messages come on a gaming platform. I’m sure none of your kids would do that, though.

I'm going to say something you won't like. Your kids are not associating with the right people. I have teens and young adults, and when my kids were tweens and young teens, they rapidly distanced themselves from anyone who expressed that sort of nonsense.

There will always be idiots in the world. Why on earth are your children attracted to that type? You need to parent better, instead of posting smugly about the failures of parents.

OP here. I agree with you, and I think our kid does too, as they were embarrassed by what their friends had sent, and part of our discussion has been about distancing themselves from these friends. Our kid isn't super popular and doesn't make new friends easily, so this is all hard.

So? My kids aren't popular either and don't have a lot of friends, but they'd rather be alone than with morons.

You seem desperate for social connection and you seem to have passed that desperation to your kids. Stop. It's OK to be selective about who you befriend. And it's OK to spend time alone. Your kid doesn't need to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

[Anonymous]

youre a pathetic individual OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Anecdotally, my kid has four particular 13-14-year-old friends without a smart kid, and they are DMing my kid messages that include racial slurs, violence against girls, and pornography, sometimes after midnight (my kid has no access to a phone, iPad, or computer after 8 pm). Sometimes these messages come on a gaming platform. I’m sure none of your kids would do that, though.

I'm going to say something you won't like. Your kids are not associating with the right people. I have teens and young adults, and when my kids were tweens and young teens, they rapidly distanced themselves from anyone who expressed that sort of nonsense.

There will always be idiots in the world. Why on earth are your children attracted to that type? You need to parent better, instead of posting smugly about the failures of parents.

OP here. I agree with you, and I think our kid does too, as they were embarrassed by what their friends had sent, and part of our discussion has been about distancing themselves from these friends. Our kid isn't super popular and doesn't make new friends easily, so this is all hard.

So? My kids aren't popular either and don't have a lot of friends, but they'd rather be alone than with morons.

You seem desperate for social connection and you seem to have passed that desperation to your kids. Stop. It's OK to be selective about who you befriend. And it's OK to spend time alone. Your kid doesn't need to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

We've told them it's better to have no friends than bad friends, but expressing concern about potential social isolation is far from expressing desperation for any form of social connection.

Anyway, I've said what I wanted to say, which is that I understand why parents choose not to give their kids smartphones, but please be aware that most of our kids are better at technology than we are, and if they want to get online and on social media, they will, so please have an ongoing open conversation about it.

[Anonymous]

I kinda agree with OP. My kid got one for her birthday the summer before MS. The majority of kids in 6th had them and even in 4th/5th when she didn’t.
I have same rules as OP.
My kid has 2 friends with no phones and both of them use apps on tablets /laptops to communicate and still access social media.
They’re no safer from the internet than my kid.

[Anonymous]

I think a PSA that many kids have fake accounts is a good idea. I don't think earlier smartphone use is the way to solve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Anecdotally, my kid has four particular 13-14-year-old friends without a smart kid, and they are DMing my kid messages that include racial slurs, violence against girls, and pornography, sometimes after midnight (my kid has no access to a phone, iPad, or computer after 8 pm). Sometimes these messages come on a gaming platform. I’m sure none of your kids would do that, though.

Yeah, it doesn't seem like those kids should have a smart phone. So I am not sure what your point is. They should have a smart phone so they can send messages like that all day?
Kids get around parental restrictions (that's not new) and there is no foolproof way to monitor. Every system has holes that a teen could exploit.

The point is not that they should have a smartphone. The point is that even kids without smartphones are online, especially on SnapChat, which is how teens communicate—almost all of them are on it, even the ones whose parents have their heads in the sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kid has an iPhone and is on Instagram, TikTok, and Snapchat. You have ZERO room to judge or lecture other parents. I don't care if you are monitoring his usage (though I guarantee there are things your kid is doing online that you are unaware of), just regular use of those apps is bad for your kids brain. He could be watching wholesome cooking videos on TikTok and I'd still judge your decision here because it's short-circuiting his ability to focus and also who knows what other content he's getting via adds, comments, and suggested videos. TikTok is a cesspool that many adults can't even handle appropriately.

We got my kid a watch with texting capabilities so that she can contact us and have a bit more freedom. She needs parental approval on both sides to add a friend as a contact, and all the adults involved monitor the text chains. Also my kid is getting online safety lessons from us regularly, and while she has no access to social media, she knows what it is, knows why we don't permit it, and knows why it's dangerous and what specific behaviors are especially dangerous (including communicating with anyone you dont' know IRL, sharing photos or personally identifying info even just the background in an innocent photo, or trusting information you see online without verifying it elsewhere).

I don't buy that "the real problem" is people restricting their kids access to phones and social media, OMG.

Okay, but you do sound a little like the mom of my kid's friend who DOES have a Snapchat account that his mom doesn't know about and who has sent my kid DMs that are borderline child pornography. Now, her mom probably doesn't give her regular online safety lessons like you do, but she does believe her daughter has no access to social media, which is not the case.

I feel confident my kid is not on snapchat and is definitely not sending selfies to your son or kids like him. I think you like this idea that, actually, it's the kids with more limited access to phones or technology who are the "real" problem because it lets you off the hook for your own parenting choices which are being rightly criticized.

Have you considered that one reason that kids without phones are trying to set up rogue snapchat accounts is that your son is in the community with a phone and snapchat access? And that if you'd held off on giving him a phone or at least limited his access to the WORST APPS, there would be no way for some kid with insufficient parental supervision to DM your kid on that app with an inappropriate photo.

Like you are helping to create this problem and making it harder for the parents who are trying to protect their kids by restricting access, and now you're trying to spin it like "oh the REAL problem is these parents who don't buy their kids smart phones at the earliest possible age." Girl, no.