My mom died — what do I need to do?

[Anonymous]

Funeral home people are not always the brightest I have found (but they are very kind and willing to do an unpleasant job). I would double check payments, math, decisions, spelling, dates, etc. Also church related people have also gotten many things wrong for us that were later caught and fixed, like religious names, dates, relatives. The rest of the country is not DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her body needs to be moved to a funeral home. A good funeral home can help with many of the details.
Depending on the state, the funeral home may help you with the death certificate. That needs to happen in most states before cremation.
Pick a time and place for cremation with the funeral home. Does the cremation need to be announced?
Do you want to see your mom before cremation? Would you like to bring her clothes to wear?
Obituary (many people use legacy which is on line, again funeral home might be able to help).

The funeral home will pick up her body. I don’t need to see her body. She was dressed when she died. I think she can just wear those clothes? I could call and ask the person who found her what she was wearing but I am not sure it matters.

Did she still wear good jewelry? Do you want it to go with her?

My grandfather's funeral home tried to. upsell my dad a better coffin to cremate grandpa in.

She already went. I don’t think she had jewelry on. She is at the hospital morgue I am supposed to call and tell them which funeral home will pick her up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry to hear.

Who is the We that will arrange a service? If thats you, I would head there asap. My parent died and I went immediately.

Funeral arrangements were made the same day. The hospital needs to know where to send the body. You will need to clean out their room, get possessions, secure paperwork for estate transfer, pay and close bills. No one will make decisions for you.

I get all that but I can do all that remotely. I can call her church and choose a funeral home from here I think?

I can clean out her apartment when I go up for the memorial service.

I am clearly still in shock but if I don’t know what to do, I don’t see how traveling would change that.

Then don’t and why ask? I’m sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your sudden loss. I would definitely recommend that you go for at least a night. You will be required to visually identify your mother which I assume can be done virtually now. You need to secure any valuables such as jewelry and cash (we had theft issue Terminate rental agreement on specified date. Gather all financial paperwork and copy of will.
Lots of work ahead of you. My condolences.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry for your loss. Do you have a friend in that town that can recommend a good funeral home? (Or maybe if you name the city/town, folks here can help, as we come from all over.) You likely will be able to make arrangements over the phone or virtually, given that you have people at the IL place and the home care aids that can help you with some of the basics like cleaning out her fridge (assuming you aren't worried they will steal .. I can see some people being more likely to steal from a dead person even if they never would from a living person).

Will you have the cremation before the service? If so, it doesn't matter what she is wearing.

Agree with PP to notify Social Security and any pension she received ASAP. Are you on her bank account? If not, the bank account probably needs to be probated, if she had any money in it. You'll also want to turn off any auto-pay things that she had and will no longer need. You don't need to pay off things like her credit cards or any personal debt. They should just write that off.

Is there anyone that can help you with cleaning out her apartment? I'm worried that doing that at the same time as the memorial service might be a lot for you, if you don't have support doing it.

[Anonymous]

It’s natural to feel like you want to avoid the reality of all this by not going. You are in shock OP. But you are going to regret not going. Take a moment and breath and then get on a plane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s natural to feel like you want to avoid the reality of all this by not going. You are in shock OP. But you are going to regret not going. Take a moment and breath and then get on a plane.

Take someone with you if you can.

[Anonymous]

How far away is it? Plane trip or car ride?

[Anonymous]

I know you are still in shock but clearly you do not want to go. Sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far away is it? Plane trip or car ride?

I could drive, it’s like 8 hours, but I don’t feel safe driving that tonight. So, I would fly.

I just haven’t seen anyone say anything that can’t be done virtually yet. People saying I will regret it aren’t saying why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you are still in shock but clearly you do not want to go. Sorry for your loss.

Yes, I said clearly that I don’t want to be alone. I want to be at home with my children.

[Anonymous]

Request more original death certificates than you think you'll need. Like, at least a dozen. My dad was surprised how many places required an original as he worked at shutting down my mom's life.

She didn't have much of a life independent of him- all her credit cards were linked to him, his name was on all bank accounts she had, they shared an Amazon account, etc. And yet, he had to spend hours and days and weeks calling and emailing various places to get her name taken off things, and so many required original death certificates.

Also, go to her apartment and get the things you'd be devastated if the landlord took or threw them out. Jewelry, photographs, paperwork, recipes, you'll want stuff with her handwriting.

Don't pay the home health aides more than a week - there are a lot of boomers and it will be easy for them to find another job.

Don't shut down your mom's Facebook until you have contacted all her friends on there. It's kind of tacky but the easiest way is to log into her account and put up a post saying you're her daughter, she died suddenly Saturday night, please friend Your Name if they want details on the memorial which will be in few weeks/months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far away is it? Plane trip or car ride?

I could drive, it’s like 8 hours, but I don’t feel safe driving that tonight. So, I would fly.

I just haven’t seen anyone say anything that can’t be done virtually yet. People saying I will regret it aren’t saying why.

You don’t want to go, and that’s okay. For tonight, just get some rest. You can decide your timeline for going up there later.

[Anonymous]

Op, I was in your shoes about a year ago as the only child of a suddenly deceased parent who lived alone. I flew out immediately (from overseas) out of a sense of obligation and because more distant relatives expected it/pressured me to. It was horribly lonely and depressing and there was really no need for me to physically be there/very little I could accomplish. I regretted it and ended up moving my return flight.

Ignore all the pps telling you that you have to go now/will regret not doing so and do whatever works best and feels right for you.

[Anonymous]

It’s late. You don’t need to go tonight. Try to get a good nights sleep. Pack a suitcase and if you have a flat expandable duffel throw that in or take two suitcases. That way you can bring back some of her belongings

Some people find it helpful / important to see the body.

Get 20 death certificates.