Do you feel obligated to financially support your parent(s)?

[Anonymous]

No my mother is a liar, criminal , narcissist.

My sister supports her while my brother her perfect prince steals from her no thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should not feel bad about not financially supporting him. Especially if it compromises your life or your savings goals.

What are they asking you to pay for??? It’s different if he’s starving or there are some extenuating circumstances, which you would want to pay directly. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what it is.

Agree with the earlier poster, you could help connect him with services if he has ongoing needs.

— From someone who had a complicated relationship with my father who also needed help (less financial but more with actual emergency care coordination) towards the end of his life.

+1

You are not required to help. Stepmom was not accepting of you, you said. And now she asks you for money? Nope.

Dad was not around much and now needs help? Let the step kids pitch in.

You've done more than your share. Take good care of yourself FIRST and foremost. Put your own financial security ahead of theirs.

[Anonymous]

By the way, this post reminds me a bit of the Stephanie Foo book. She grew up with an abusive set of parents. Her mom left. Then, her dad started a new family and basically abandoned her.

This book might be helpful to you for the part about the dad-daughter relationship. You're not alone.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're in this position, OP. It's not fair. You certainly don't owe him the money and it does not make you a bad person to say no. It also doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing situation.

But I think the most important question is:

What will bring YOU peace? Would it fill some kind of void to give him financial support or will it make you more stressed/resentful? Is there a route that will give you closure? How can you avoid regret (which could mean giving or not)?

Just remember that you are in control here. As an adult, you get to decide what makes you feel most comfortable. His influence over your life is over. I hope you can find the right path that let's you move forward.

[Anonymous]

This is why we pay lots of taxes. You can offer to help him sign up for food stamps and medicaid. Your family comes first. Period.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. I think for me it’s the way they try and make me feel guilty about not helping. As if it’s my duty. Which obviously makes me feel resentful because as a child why wasn’t it his duty to help me? Somehow i’m being held to a higher standard as a daughter than he was as a father which obviously is not fair to me.

Anyway. I appreciate everyone’s words and I will continue to only do what I’m comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

Your story is not a sad story. It is sad to you. I can tell you a sad story.
If you don't feel like it, don't give any.
It may be a capacity issue for him. He wasn't capable of being a better parent. He has half a brain. It explains why he is also not well off.

[Anonymous]

No, will not support them and there is no way either of them will ever be living with me. They're completely self absorbed and practice extreme religious that has taken me decades to try to recover from. They just didn't care at all what was going on for us and how their methods were destroying us. I don't feel like a person a lot of the time and it has not been easy trying to recover from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I think for me it’s the way they try and make me feel guilty about not helping. As if it’s my duty. Which obviously makes me feel resentful because as a child why wasn’t it his duty to help me? Somehow i’m being held to a higher standard as a daughter than he was as a father which obviously is not fair to me.

Anyway. I appreciate everyone’s words and I will continue to only do what I’m comfortable with.

No amount that you give will ever get them to stop asking. Even if your father dies they will say it's your responsibility to help your half siblings. They will bleed you dry without a second thought.

You are 100% right that it was his duty to support you and he failed. You have no further obligations. Don't even take their calls or texts anymore if they don't stop making your feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not give him a cent. I’d help him sign up for benefits. That’s it.

This.

Parents are adults. They have had their entire adulthoods to build a financial safety net for themselves into retirement. If they were irresponsible and didn’t plan for their own futures, that’s not their grown children’s problem.

[Anonymous]

I did live with them and they did support me financially until I worked full time, then they charged me rent. And no, I don't feel any obligation to support them. One is dead, but the alive one is very financially comfortable while I am ... not. By a long shot.

[Anonymous]

Not if they have other family, didn’t do squat for me, and I don’t really like them. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're in this position, OP. It's not fair. You certainly don't owe him the money and it does not make you a bad person to say no. It also doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing situation.

But I think the most important question is:

What will bring YOU peace? Would it fill some kind of void to give him financial support or will it make you more stressed/resentful? Is there a route that will give you closure? How can you avoid regret (which could mean giving or not)?

Just remember that you are in control here. As an adult, you get to decide what makes you feel most comfortable. His influence over your life is over. I hope you can find the right path that let's you move forward.

+1. What will bring you peace is an excellent question.

[Anonymous]

In your case I’d help him sign up for Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

Since he's still married, you'd essentially be supporting his wife and perhaps step-kids. Is this what you want to do?

I'd consider if he was single and desperate, even if he was not there for you. But with his own long-time family they're essentially all with their hands out now... no. They see you as a cash cow, nothing more. And as someone said in an earlier post, if you give them anything, they'll keep asking and asking and yes, after your father dies, it'll be the stepmom and her kids. They're poor so they have infinite needs.