Can we talk about parenting suicidal children

[Anonymous]

My sister at age 18 freshman in college tried to take her life.

She was admitted to the psychiatric hospital connected the University for 8 weeks . Family therapy in which my parents because she was 18 were not allowed to know whether she was improving. Spent the 8 weeks screaming at my mother. My sister went on to finish college at the same university she just was not allowed to live in the dorms any longer .

Years later my mother found journals my sister wrote about hurting others they are horrible. She gave them back to my sister because my mother’s does not believe in help. Some of these were HS papers her Florida HS saw and did nothing about which is also horrific.

She went right back to school is now in her 50 s with a family .

She is a full on narcissist a college professor and has zero empathy for what her actions over the years did to the rest of us .
And my mother still worries every day what my sister will do and how it looks on her .

While my story is very old at this point i just wanted to say how wonderful any parent is on this thread that has a child in crisis and you try everything you can to help them and your family. You are wonderful!

[Anonymous]

My son had multiple hospitalizations for suicidal ideation. My biggest regret was sending him to the recommended Partial Hospitalization Program after the hospital…. For minors, they lump the mental health kids in with the kids struggling with substance abuse and violent behavior issues. My kid was exposed to, and heavily influenced by the kids that used drugs, and that led us down another very difficult path for years.

I will say that the only medication that worked for his depression was ketamine. He tried 6-7 different meds and none of them helped…. He started ketamine as a last resort and he said it was like going from seeing the world in black and white to seeing it in color again.

He’s 18 now and has been sober for 7 months and counting.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry that you are all going through this.

I believe you love your children dearly, and are doing all you can to help them.

🤗

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry that you are all going through this.

I believe you love your children dearly, and are doing all you can to help them.

🤗

I'm another BTDT parent... the above is true. You do the best you can to deal it every day. You make the best choices you can make with the information you have. That is all you can do.

For my family, it involved residential treatment (2 places) then a therapist who helped us bring our kid home and coached our parenting. We parents took a close look at ourselves, changed our parenting and our family dynamic and here we are five years later with a "happy" functional family. Our depressed kid is doing well in college and is happy, has friends and is hopeful about the future. It was a very long road, and it took me years to feel like an ok mom. I am still triggered when I can sense my kid is going through a rough patch but the difference is that now I know what to look for, kid knows how to ask for help, and we have a team of providers we have worked with who can be resources again. So it does get better and you do grow as a parent and get more skills. The best choice we made was to get serious help early on - after a few months of SI. It was Covid and we couldn't access resources locally in person, so we sent our kid away to get help. Like PP we spent significant money on it. Because DH had mental illness in his family we were willing to do whatever it took to get our kid help. I'm glad we didn't take a wait and see approach, but having money made action possible.

After my experience, I no longer have any judgement for families who are going through this. It could honestly happen to anyone. I sincerely hope things work out for your child and your family OP. Stay the course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There absolutely are not enough resources available for youth and teen mental health, including suicidal teens and youth. My husband died and I could not find an in-person teen grief group for my kids, despite looking myself and having the hospice provider look. Almost no therapists for kids take insurance. It is a huge struggle, and I am so sorry.

Many churches have free grief counseling both fur adults and children.

[Anonymous]

I wish I could give you parenting advice, but I wasn’t the parent in my situation. I was the suicidal child. I don’t know why I was like that, or what happened to turn it off. All I know was for me, the years of drugs and therapy did absolutely nothing to help. And nothing was more horrible than seeing myself disappoint everyone, which just made me want kill myself all over again.

The only thing that ended up saving me was meditation. I get that it won’t work for everyone, but it worked for me because it taught me how to make some space between myself and my crazy thoughts— and see that I am not those thoughts. It’s been a long road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry that you are all going through this.

I believe you love your children dearly, and are doing all you can to help them.

🤗

I'm another BTDT parent... the above is true. You do the best you can to deal it every day. You make the best choices you can make with the information you have. That is all you can do.

For my family, it involved residential treatment (2 places) then a therapist who helped us bring our kid home and coached our parenting. We parents took a close look at ourselves, changed our parenting and our family dynamic and here we are five years later with a "happy" functional family. Our depressed kid is doing well in college and is happy, has friends and is hopeful about the future. It was a very long road, and it took me years to feel like an ok mom. I am still triggered when I can sense my kid is going through a rough patch but the difference is that now I know what to look for, kid knows how to ask for help, and we have a team of providers we have worked with who can be resources again. So it does get better and you do grow as a parent and get more skills. The best choice we made was to get serious help early on - after a few months of SI. It was Covid and we couldn't access resources locally in person, so we sent our kid away to get help. Like PP we spent significant money on it. Because DH had mental illness in his family we were willing to do whatever it took to get our kid help. I'm glad we didn't take a wait and see approach, but having money made action possible.

After my experience, I no longer have any judgement for families who are going through this. It could honestly happen to anyone. I sincerely hope things work out for your child and your family OP. Stay the course.

Was it just you DH and DC? If joy, what resources did you use for other children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could give you parenting advice, but I wasn’t the parent in my situation. I was the suicidal child. I don’t know why I was like that, or what happened to turn it off. All I know was for me, the years of drugs and therapy did absolutely nothing to help. And nothing was more horrible than seeing myself disappoint everyone, which just made me want kill myself all over again.

The only thing that ended up saving me was meditation. I get that it won’t work for everyone, but it worked for me because it taught me how to make some space between myself and my crazy thoughts— and see that I am not those thoughts. It’s been a long road.

I’m so glad you are better. when my DS started to express suicidal ideation, one thought I had as a parent was that I needed to make this only one part of his-our life. He was still going to do chores, still going to go to the movies, we were still going to do normal things. basically to lean into the parts that were still normal and positive. So he could see that even with mental health struggles there are still big chunks of life that can be normal. I have no idea if this will work but I was motivated to give him the message that he is still a kid, not just his depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its not about you.

Please grow a heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its not about you.

Actually it is. As a parent, you spend your time trying to find the magic bean that will cure your kid. You worry beyond belief if they are home even five minutes late. You watch them lay in bed for days not moving even to eat or go to the bathroom because their depression is so heavy that they can’t move. You get called by the school so often that every time your phone rings you want to vomit and cry. You rush to the school or the hospital everytime they try and thank the Lord this time they weren’t successful. You live with the medical consequences of the attempts and that to the endless list of what you are doing to try to keep your child safe and your family running. You take a picture every time your child leaves the house so you can give the description for the BOLO and Amber alert. You deal with the physical and emotional scars of their violence and you spend your money on repairing walls, doors and everything else that gets destroyed by their rages.

It is about those of us who parent these kids and the other family members who live with them. We can’t control it or fix it but we have to live with the consequences sequences and pick up the pieces.

I am sending you so much love. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

You could always do what my parents did - my mother told me at age 6 or 7 when I found out about the concept of suicide that it was illegal, and then any time after that when I brought up wanting to kill myself, they completely ignored me. Though my father did scream at me 2-4 times a year about spending money on a psychologist I was forced to go to despite telling my parents I wasn't comfortable with her and didn't trust her.

[Anonymous]

All strength to the parents and the children. I cannot even imagine how hard this would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can any parents who BTDT chime in with success stories? The hardest part, for me, parenting a child with suicidal ideation (tied to OCD, intrusive thought cycle) has been finding resources. I have found one therapist in our area who sees kids with this type of OCD in-person, but she has a waiting list--- it just feels like we have the diagnosis but no qualified professional to help navigate from here. So I am left holding my breath, praying and living day-by-day until we find the right support. Hugs to you, OP.

If you have the financial resources and time to aggressively search for a provider, almost any therapist will be trained to help your family navigate and support this situation. My daughter’s long-time therapist saw the warning signs, ordered a family meeting, and persuaded my daughter to agree to a “contract” that would give us some modicum of communication and control. We also had resources to pay for intensive outpatient treatment and a private psychiatrist. Three years later my daughter is thriving and the suicidal ideation is over.