Adult child (still in college) basically moving out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will still see them; you'll just have to be more intentional about it. Around Thanksgiving or winter break, start talking about potential plans for a visit next summer: them coming home, you going there, or a family trip somewhere else. My son is still returning home but I do notice that all of his planning with his friends tends to be last minute, so if I want family time I have to be gently persistent to get it on his calendar.

Okay. Good to know. I appreciate your reply, and it will be useful. Thanks!

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We get along well with our oldest child, a rising junior in college. After a quiet life during the pandemic, they have greatly expanded their friends, have a partner now, and go out all the time. They are so happy, and we are happy for them.

That said, my heart aches a little bit because child receive an opportunity for a nice campus apartment (with a kitchen!) but the lease will take them into the summer.

I know I've been so lucky they have been home for summers so far, but this is hard to process.

Do I just tell myself time heals all wounds? LOL

Please provide advice for a slightly sad and nostalgic parent who also realizes these are normal steps for an adult child to take. I'm so happy and also teary eyed...and would like my five year old back for a day, please. Thank you.

Dear lord.

You don't have a five-year-old, OP.

This is an only child, right?

Well, aren’t you a world class jerk!

[Anonymous]

I assume your rising junior will have his apartment starting in this fall with a 12 month lease. So OP is worrying about next summer. Just because your child has an apartment next summer doesn’t mean he will be staying in his college town. He may find a higher paying job or internship near you or he could sublease his apartment for the summer. You just have the “privilege” of paying for the summer portion of the lease.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to let your kid go. Really. I'm guessing this is a boy?

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. My youngest has gone to school that is only 40 minutes away. He stayed in the dorm in the first year, and then moved to apartment off-campus with his friends. It is a lovely apartment, next to the college, filled with students and he has been happy there. We pay for it round the year and he comes home when there is a break.

The truth is that it would break my heart if he was not doing well socially, academically, mentally, physically and financially. As much as I miss him and find it bitter-sweet that he is growing up and leaving, I am relieved, thankful and grateful that he is meeting all the milestones.

What I have seen with many of my friends and family (especially in the DMV area) is that the kids usually are coming back home after college and using the parents home as their home base. They are doing that when they are starting their jobs or even after they are married. They are doing that when they are travelling a lot for their jobs. Parents will remain parents and if you cultivate a good relationship with your adult children and make it easy for them to come home and stay with you - they will go for work, go for creating their nuclear family - but it will not be the end of their relationship with you. Your second shift as a grandparent will also start in the future. Right now, enjoy your life, focus on your health, be a mentor and guide for your kids. There is nothing to feel bad about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We get along well with our oldest child, a rising junior in college. After a quiet life during the pandemic, they have greatly expanded their friends, have a partner now, and go out all the time. They are so happy, and we are happy for them.

That said, my heart aches a little bit because child receive an opportunity for a nice campus apartment (with a kitchen!) but the lease will take them into the summer.

I know I've been so lucky they have been home for summers so far, but this is hard to process.

Do I just tell myself time heals all wounds? LOL

Please provide advice for a slightly sad and nostalgic parent who also realizes these are normal steps for an adult child to take. I'm so happy and also teary eyed...and would like my five year old back for a day, please. Thank you.

What wound? They're living independently as an adult. Be proud of them and develop your own life.

Why bother posting when you are utterly lacking in empathy?

OP, it's perfectly OK to be sad, and really normal. That means you're close to your child and really care about them. It's very hard to separate from your adult child, and that separation is really emotional -- for the parent. Don't forget that it's hard on your child too. They are experiencing all sorts of growing pains at this age. They want to be independent, yet they want to know you are there when they need you. It's painful to be the parent who's not needed -- so much -- any more, but it's great that your child is grown up and independent. That's what all parents want, but not all parents get. Keep your sorrows to yourself, try to live your own life, and be there when your kids need you. When you get the the gramma stage (I'm not there yet, but I have a few friends who are), they will need you a lot more. Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume your rising junior will have his apartment starting in this fall with a 12 month lease. So OP is worrying about next summer. Just because your child has an apartment next summer doesn’t mean he will be staying in his college town. He may find a higher paying job or internship near you or he could sublease his apartment for the summer. You just have the “privilege” of paying for the summer portion of the lease.

Thank you!

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. My youngest has gone to school that is only 40 minutes away. He stayed in the dorm in the first year, and then moved to apartment off-campus with his friends. It is a lovely apartment, next to the college, filled with students and he has been happy there. We pay for it round the year and he comes home when there is a break.

The truth is that it would break my heart if he was not doing well socially, academically, mentally, physically and financially. As much as I miss him and find it bitter-sweet that he is growing up and leaving, I am relieved, thankful and grateful that he is meeting all the milestones.

What I have seen with many of my friends and family (especially in the DMV area) is that the kids usually are coming back home after college and using the parents home as their home base. They are doing that when they are starting their jobs or even after they are married. They are doing that when they are travelling a lot for their jobs. Parents will remain parents and if you cultivate a good relationship with your adult children and make it easy for them to come home and stay with you - they will go for work, go for creating their nuclear family - but it will not be the end of their relationship with you. Your second shift as a grandparent will also start in the future. Right now, enjoy your life, focus on your health, be a mentor and guide for your kids. There is nothing to feel bad about.

Aw, this is so sweet. Thank you so much.

We already give the oldest kid a lot of leeway and have a good relationship, so that is all good. We will keep on with that.

A wise person once said to me to think of the long game when sitting down to meals with your children. Think of how you act and whether they will want to come home to that. I made sure to listen, to be there, and not to give unwanted advice (99% of the time anyway).

Time will tell! I know I will feel better over time and am glad I posted because people like you really get it. Thank you again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We get along well with our oldest child, a rising junior in college. After a quiet life during the pandemic, they have greatly expanded their friends, have a partner now, and go out all the time. They are so happy, and we are happy for them.

That said, my heart aches a little bit because child receive an opportunity for a nice campus apartment (with a kitchen!) but the lease will take them into the summer.

I know I've been so lucky they have been home for summers so far, but this is hard to process.

Do I just tell myself time heals all wounds? LOL

Please provide advice for a slightly sad and nostalgic parent who also realizes these are normal steps for an adult child to take. I'm so happy and also teary eyed...and would like my five year old back for a day, please. Thank you.

What wound? They're living independently as an adult. Be proud of them and develop your own life.

Why bother posting when you are utterly lacking in empathy?

OP, it's perfectly OK to be sad, and really normal. That means you're close to your child and really care about them. It's very hard to separate from your adult child, and that separation is really emotional -- for the parent. Don't forget that it's hard on your child too. They are experiencing all sorts of growing pains at this age. They want to be independent, yet they want to know you are there when they need you. It's painful to be the parent who's not needed -- so much -- any more, but it's great that your child is grown up and independent. That's what all parents want, but not all parents get. Keep your sorrows to yourself, try to live your own life, and be there when your kids need you. When you get the the gramma stage (I'm not there yet, but I have a few friends who are), they will need you a lot more. Hang in there, OP.

I love this. Thank you!

Yes, I definitely keep my feelings to myself. That is such good advice. =)

Even though the oldest lives here, we do not see them often between their FT job and their nighttime social life. I did the same thing at that age!

Sometimes, when they are home and in the living room, I'll read nearby. They will sometimes start talking about something or have something they want to show me...Those are very nice moments!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My college apartments had full-year leases, but I still an always came home over the summer. That was how most people did it.

Same. Our son has a year round lease at school. He went there twice in the summer for birthday parties with college friends and the like, but was home the rest of the summer for work.

[Anonymous]

My kids have spent summers away from home at internships every summer, even after freshman year! And we get along well. Most of their friends do the same. It’s really changed since I went to college and was home every summer except the one after junior year.

[Anonymous]

Most undergrads are off doing internships in the summer especially in the later years. I tell my mom friends to enjoy summer after freshman year because their kids probably won’t be home after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. My youngest has gone to school that is only 40 minutes away. He stayed in the dorm in the first year, and then moved to apartment off-campus with his friends. It is a lovely apartment, next to the college, filled with students and he has been happy there. We pay for it round the year and he comes home when there is a break.

The truth is that it would break my heart if he was not doing well socially, academically, mentally, physically and financially. As much as I miss him and find it bitter-sweet that he is growing up and leaving, I am relieved, thankful and grateful that he is meeting all the milestones.

What I have seen with many of my friends and family (especially in the DMV area) is that the kids usually are coming back home after college and using the parents home as their home base. They are doing that when they are starting their jobs or even after they are married. They are doing that when they are travelling a lot for their jobs. Parents will remain parents and if you cultivate a good relationship with your adult children and make it easy for them to come home and stay with you - they will go for work, go for creating their nuclear family - but it will not be the end of their relationship with you. Your second shift as a grandparent will also start in the future. Right now, enjoy your life, focus on your health, be a mentor and guide for your kids. There is nothing to feel bad about.

I'm a PP who has one child who is moving on into independent adulthood, and one who will have a slower/different path due to disabilities. The bolded is so true. As much as I love having my younger child around, my heart would rest easier if I thought he was on the traditional path to independence. Having a child who can eventually take care of themselves is really a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to let your kid go. Really. I'm guessing this is a boy?

NP. What indication has OP given that she’s not letting her son go? Her feelings are natural, especially since she is not holding him back in any way. There’s a couple posters in every thread like this, who attack people for normal human emotion. Either they don’t have good relationships themselves, or they lack empathy.

[Anonymous]

It's normal, OP. It's also normal if they start living with you again after college, to save money, if they get a local job. What matters is rational choices. Not what's "supposed to look good".