Am I Wrong? Husband Wants DD to Clean Up After Him

[Anonymous]

She’s 15 she should’ve been doing this since she was 5. Stop coddling her.

[Anonymous]

He should clean up after himself.

Please don’t teach your daughter that her job is to clean up after slovenly men.

Her job is to excel and to contribute to the household in an age-appropriate and non-sexist way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not wrong. You could have cleaning up the dinner dishes be a chore that she does to teach her life skills and also pitching in as a family member.

But his pre-dinner mess has to be cleaned up first, by him. She's not his servant and he's not slick.

I agree. I have no problem having my child clean the kitchen after dinner and take care of the dishes. But his mess from the day needs to be cleaned before dinner is cooked, and not by dd.

THIS! And I'd add: she shouldn't have to clean up after you. That sets a terrible example and I don't want her to think she needs to clean up after a partner.

[Anonymous]

This would be training her to be treated like a maid by her future husband.

[Anonymous]

In our house, we clean up together or split the chores. However, with someone like him, this won’t work. Rotating won’t work either. The only thing that may work is cleaning together, and giving him specific chores you can monitor- you wipe table while I fill dishwasher- if that doesn’t work -You will have to clean up after him. He’s your spouse. Don’t let her do it.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t even work and wants someone else to clean up after him? What a disgusting pig.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our house, we clean up together or split the chores. However, with someone like him, this won’t work. Rotating won’t work either. The only thing that may work is cleaning together, and giving him specific chores you can monitor- you wipe table while I fill dishwasher- if that doesn’t work -You will have to clean up after him. He’s your spouse. Don’t let her do it.

You’re right - rotating won’t work. What I find ironic is that he clearly finds cleaning up after himself overwhelming, which is why he is pushing for her to do it to; yet, when I say that would be too much for her, he says I am being too overprotective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s 15 she should’ve been doing this since she was 5. Stop coddling her.

Found the deadbeat alcoholic loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If everyone is cleaning up after themselves you wouldn’t need anyone to do the dishes everyone would do their own dishes. Make that the rule.

I was the first person to respond. Everyone cleans up after themselves in my house, but there are still pots, serving dishes, etc. someone has to wash those, unload the dishwasher, etc. again, I'm fine with that, but your husband sounds lazy/depressed/adhd. Whenever I point out my dh's deficiencies around stuff like this, he lashes out.

This is OP. He has ADHD and is depressed and is medicated for both. But the messiness/disorganization still persists.

As someone who has ADHD and went through a period of severe depression after being laid off a job, medication is not going to fix his weaknesses in relation to chores.

Right now, he’s got major challenges with executive functioning and task execution because of the double whammy of ADHD and depression. Yelling at him isn’t going to help either. I know it’s hard, but please be as patient and compassionate with him as you can be.

I don’t know your husband‘s other history, but people with ADHD often have a history of being told that they are stupid and lazy and there’s a lot of trauma around that kind of labeling.Think of it as someone being neurodivergent and unable to process the many micro decisions required to stay on top of household chores.

What he needs is help. Ask him to work with an EF coach that has experience with adult ADHD. I know it sounds ridiculous, but what seems very easy to someone who doesn’t have ADHD and depression can seem like climbing Mount Everest for someone who does. Your husband may need someone to literally coach him on how to handle daily chores.

However, his disability does not mean that your daughter should be taking care of things for him. As others have said, she should be participating in household chores, but should not be responsible for cleaning up the messes that he makes.

If it helps at all, I found it easier to deal with chores once I got another job and my depression lifted. Hope that’s true for your husband, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If everyone is cleaning up after themselves you wouldn’t need anyone to do the dishes everyone would do their own dishes. Make that the rule.

I was the first person to respond. Everyone cleans up after themselves in my house, but there are still pots, serving dishes, etc. someone has to wash those, unload the dishwasher, etc. again, I'm fine with that, but your husband sounds lazy/depressed/adhd. Whenever I point out my dh's deficiencies around stuff like this, he lashes out.

This is OP. He has ADHD and is depressed and is medicated for both. But the messiness/disorganization still persists.

That's probably a big part of the problem. Those meds are draining and will ruin people.

Was he like this when you married him? If so, then it seems like you would have accepted this flaw by now.

If he wasn't like this years ago, but is now, then see the first part about the medications and weaning him off them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 15 she should’ve been doing this since she was 5. Stop coddling her.

Found the deadbeat alcoholic loser.

Found the wife that can’t care for her man!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If everyone is cleaning up after themselves you wouldn’t need anyone to do the dishes everyone would do their own dishes. Make that the rule.

I was the first person to respond. Everyone cleans up after themselves in my house, but there are still pots, serving dishes, etc. someone has to wash those, unload the dishwasher, etc. again, I'm fine with that, but your husband sounds lazy/depressed/adhd. Whenever I point out my dh's deficiencies around stuff like this, he lashes out.

This is OP. He has ADHD and is depressed and is medicated for both. But the messiness/disorganization still persists.

As someone who has ADHD and went through a period of severe depression after being laid off a job, medication is not going to fix his weaknesses in relation to chores.

Right now, he’s got major challenges with executive functioning and task execution because of the double whammy of ADHD and depression. Yelling at him isn’t going to help either. I know it’s hard, but please be as patient and compassionate with him as you can be.

I don’t know your husband‘s other history, but people with ADHD often have a history of being told that they are stupid and lazy and there’s a lot of trauma around that kind of labeling.Think of it as someone being neurodivergent and unable to process the many micro decisions required to stay on top of household chores.

What he needs is help. Ask him to work with an EF coach that has experience with adult ADHD. I know it sounds ridiculous, but what seems very easy to someone who doesn’t have ADHD and depression can seem like climbing Mount Everest for someone who does. Your husband may need someone to literally coach him on how to handle daily chores.

However, his disability does not mean that your daughter should be taking care of things for him. As others have said, she should be participating in household chores, but should not be responsible for cleaning up the messes that he makes.

If it helps at all, I found it easier to deal with chores once I got another job and my depression lifted. Hope that’s true for your husband, too.

This is OP. This is very helpful - thank you. And you are right - he did not get diagnosed with ADHD until after college but had been criticized by his parents for being lazy and is very sensitive about it. When he was finally treated, he went from getting Cs in grad school to straight A’s and this is was in an already highly challenging filed of study. My DD also has ADHD (also medicated) and exhibits many of his same symptoms, so I am especially not trying to make her life even more difficult and overwhelming by adding his responsibilities to her plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If everyone is cleaning up after themselves you wouldn’t need anyone to do the dishes everyone would do their own dishes. Make that the rule.

I was the first person to respond. Everyone cleans up after themselves in my house, but there are still pots, serving dishes, etc. someone has to wash those, unload the dishwasher, etc. again, I'm fine with that, but your husband sounds lazy/depressed/adhd. Whenever I point out my dh's deficiencies around stuff like this, he lashes out.

This is OP. He has ADHD and is depressed and is medicated for both. But the messiness/disorganization still persists.

That's probably a big part of the problem. Those meds are draining and will ruin people.

Was he like this when you married him? If so, then it seems like you would have accepted this flaw by now.

If he wasn't like this years ago, but is now, then see the first part about the medications and weaning him off them.

This is OP. He was not like this when I married him but we did not have 2 kids or a house out in the far flung suburbs. It wasn’t until he was attempting to “juggle it all” that everything fell apart. He has been medicated for ADHD since before I met him. Depression medication started a couple of years ago after a parent’s death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If everyone is cleaning up after themselves you wouldn’t need anyone to do the dishes everyone would do their own dishes. Make that the rule.

I was the first person to respond. Everyone cleans up after themselves in my house, but there are still pots, serving dishes, etc. someone has to wash those, unload the dishwasher, etc. again, I'm fine with that, but your husband sounds lazy/depressed/adhd. Whenever I point out my dh's deficiencies around stuff like this, he lashes out.

This is OP. He has ADHD and is depressed and is medicated for both. But the messiness/disorganization still persists.

As someone who has ADHD and went through a period of severe depression after being laid off a job, medication is not going to fix his weaknesses in relation to chores.

Right now, he’s got major challenges with executive functioning and task execution because of the double whammy of ADHD and depression. Yelling at him isn’t going to help either. I know it’s hard, but please be as patient and compassionate with him as you can be.

I don’t know your husband‘s other history, but people with ADHD often have a history of being told that they are stupid and lazy and there’s a lot of trauma around that kind of labeling.Think of it as someone being neurodivergent and unable to process the many micro decisions required to stay on top of household chores.

What he needs is help. Ask him to work with an EF coach that has experience with adult ADHD. I know it sounds ridiculous, but what seems very easy to someone who doesn’t have ADHD and depression can seem like climbing Mount Everest for someone who does. Your husband may need someone to literally coach him on how to handle daily chores.

However, his disability does not mean that your daughter should be taking care of things for him. As others have said, she should be participating in household chores, but should not be responsible for cleaning up the messes that he makes.

If it helps at all, I found it easier to deal with chores once I got another job and my depression lifted. Hope that’s true for your husband, too.

This is OP. This is very helpful - thank you. And you are right - he did not get diagnosed with ADHD until after college but had been criticized by his parents for being lazy and is very sensitive about it. When he was finally treated, he went from getting Cs in grad school to straight A’s and this is was in an already highly challenging filed of study. My DD also has ADHD (also medicated) and exhibits many of his same symptoms, so I am especially not trying to make her life even more difficult and overwhelming by adding his responsibilities to her plate.

Happy it was helpful. I really empathize with your DS because I wasn’t diagnosed until college either. I’m 2E, gifted and ADD with no hyperactivity (the old form of the diagnosis). Got good grades and was able to compensate for the ADD academically,

My parents couldn’t figure out why I had so much trouble with keeping my room clean, keeping track of my stuff, getting to things on time, etc. I remember my mother screaming at me that I was lazy and doing things just to annoy her. The more she yelled the more paralyzed I got.

My DH was so patient with me during the worst of my depression. He knew I was hyper self-critical already and loading on would only add to my paralysis. It is really hard for loved ones of people like me. Please try to remember that we’re not doing it on purpose. Our brains just work differently.

That said, I’ve never asked someone else to clean up after me. I just locked into finding ways of addressing my issues with help.

[Anonymous]

You are not wrong. No one should have to clean up that type of kitchen mess (IMO) that anyone else made. That is just disrespectful to leave.

Now- doing dishes (that have been rinsed or are immediately after a meal)? Of course. Unloading dishwasher and putting away? Of course. Wiping down or lightly scrubbing counters and other items? Of course.

But dirty pans or things that have been sitting out with food, or not rinsed: no. Dirty appliances that would’ve taken 2 minutes to clean if done immediately? NO. Rude, disrespectful and gross.