Couples counseling after abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A good counselor will tell you they won't do couples counseling when there is abuse present.

Yes, a good counselor will have a hard stop when abuse is mentioned, especially physical. There might be nuance with verbal and financial but when you get to, "he gave me 2 black eyes " that couples counseling is done. They would however, recommend individual counseling as would I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good counselor will tell you they won't do couples counseling when there is abuse present.

Yes, a good counselor will have a hard stop when abuse is mentioned, especially physical. There might be nuance with verbal and financial but when you get to, "he gave me 2 black eyes " that couples counseling is done. They would however, recommend individual counseling as would I.

OP and fortunately no physical abuse and no way to prove the other abuse except confirmation from a minor child who witnessed it, which is why I think I got the couples counseling suggestion. I don’t think verbal/financial/emotional abuse is nuanced but proof of it definitely is which is why this seems more complicated than it should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good counselor will tell you they won't do couples counseling when there is abuse present.

Yes, a good counselor will have a hard stop when abuse is mentioned, especially physical. There might be nuance with verbal and financial but when you get to, "he gave me 2 black eyes " that couples counseling is done. They would however, recommend individual counseling as would I.

OP and fortunately no physical abuse and no way to prove the other abuse except confirmation from a minor child who witnessed it, which is why I think I got the couples counseling suggestion. I don’t think verbal/financial/emotional abuse is nuanced but proof of it definitely is which is why this seems more complicated than it should be.

PP here who asked about proof. He never wrote nasty texts or emails? You can't show patterns of where he wouldn't let you buy something (or whatever) with dates?

[Anonymous]

My brother and his wife tried couples counselling despite her being abusive. I don’t think they found it helpful but it did lead to her getting individual counselling. She had refused individual counselling as in her head my brother was the problem, but when the couples counsellor suggested trauma counselling to her - she heard you aren’t responsible for what you do, it’s the trauma and she was willing to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good counselor will tell you they won't do couples counseling when there is abuse present.

Yes, a good counselor will have a hard stop when abuse is mentioned, especially physical. There might be nuance with verbal and financial but when you get to, "he gave me 2 black eyes " that couples counseling is done. They would however, recommend individual counseling as would I.

OP and fortunately no physical abuse and no way to prove the other abuse except confirmation from a minor child who witnessed it, which is why I think I got the couples counseling suggestion. I don’t think verbal/financial/emotional abuse is nuanced but proof of it definitely is which is why this seems more complicated than it should be.

PP here who asked about proof. He never wrote nasty texts or emails? You can't show patterns of where he wouldn't let you buy something (or whatever) with dates?

It’s more complicated than that. An example of the financial stuff was stuff like deliberately moving things out of our joint account to invest in things he was interested in on the day that he knew I needed money to pay my credit card bill for the card in my name that we use for groceries, kid stuff, day to day expenses, etc. Or giving me an impossibly hard time about minor and non-negotiable expenses, like a long overdue restock of toilet paper, laundry soap, etc- he doesn’t ever do it so he was shocked by the prices and doesn’t have a grasp of what things actually cost. We divide up who pays for which bills and my income is smaller, so when I pay school bills, 529 savings, etc I don’t have extra left over and our living expenses and spending money are supposed to come out of our joint account where part of his paycheck goes.

He does not communicate by email or text and either deliberately or coincidentally confined all of his bad behavior to verbal discussions. The neighbors have absolutely heard him screaming but I don’t see involving them as the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and his wife tried couples counselling despite her being abusive. I don’t think they found it helpful but it did lead to her getting individual counselling. She had refused individual counselling as in her head my brother was the problem, but when the couples counsellor suggested trauma counselling to her - she heard you aren’t responsible for what you do, it’s the trauma and she was willing to do that.

DH did seek counseling for himself briefly in the past but it made things worse. From what I understand, his therapist also brought up childhood trauma and essentially told him he wasn’t responsible for his behavior and needed to focus on his healing first, not my feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good counselor will tell you they won't do couples counseling when there is abuse present.

Yes, a good counselor will have a hard stop when abuse is mentioned, especially physical. There might be nuance with verbal and financial but when you get to, "he gave me 2 black eyes " that couples counseling is done. They would however, recommend individual counseling as would I.

OP and fortunately no physical abuse and no way to prove the other abuse except confirmation from a minor child who witnessed it, which is why I think I got the couples counseling suggestion. I don’t think verbal/financial/emotional abuse is nuanced but proof of it definitely is which is why this seems more complicated than it should be.

PP here who asked about proof. He never wrote nasty texts or emails? You can't show patterns of where he wouldn't let you buy something (or whatever) with dates?

It’s more complicated than that. An example of the financial stuff was stuff like deliberately moving things out of our joint account to invest in things he was interested in on the day that he knew I needed money to pay my credit card bill for the card in my name that we use for groceries, kid stuff, day to day expenses, etc. Or giving me an impossibly hard time about minor and non-negotiable expenses, like a long overdue restock of toilet paper, laundry soap, etc- he doesn’t ever do it so he was shocked by the prices and doesn’t have a grasp of what things actually cost. We divide up who pays for which bills and my income is smaller, so when I pay school bills, 529 savings, etc I don’t have extra left over and our living expenses and spending money are supposed to come out of our joint account where part of his paycheck goes.

He does not communicate by email or text and either deliberately or coincidentally confined all of his bad behavior to verbal discussions. The neighbors have absolutely heard him screaming but I don’t see involving them as the answer.

Let me be the first to say, before anyone here tries to gaslight you: what a POS abuser.

[Anonymous]

No, please don't go to couples therapy, OP. It will just be more of the same for you. Individual therapy would be much more helpful!

- couples counselor

[Anonymous]

Gtfo he’s just trying to control you another way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Counselling is not recommended with an abuser. They can (and will) use what you say in therapy against you. Don’t do it.

+1

+2. Tried it with my abuser, thinking he'd done some work to change. Thankfully he outed himself as still mired in abusive patterns real fast and the counselor was too good at his job to let that continue.

+3

Don’t do it. Leave. Safely.

[Anonymous]

I do not blame you for feeling like you do…..

Unfortunately all that time that you were abused has created a ton of bitterness as well as resentment that may be impossible to erase.

Unless your counselor has a magic 🪄 wand along w/some good old-fashioned fairy dust, it seems that you have already moved on and are on your way to a better place in your life.

That’s how the cookie crumbles re: abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH thinks that if we go to couples counseling, I will move on from years of abuse (verbal, emotional and financial). I am finally brave enough to leave and also cannot imagine that couples counseling will magically cure whatever heartless impulse has driven him to treat me like this. It doesn’t feel like something that we have joint responsibility for and therefore cannot resolve jointly.

Am I being unempathetic or not trying hard enough? My judgement is really clouded but I don’t want to upend my children’s lives if I’m wrong and couples counseling could work.

How old are you, op?

How old are kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good counselor will tell you they won't do couples counseling when there is abuse present.

Yes, a good counselor will have a hard stop when abuse is mentioned, especially physical. There might be nuance with verbal and financial but when you get to, "he gave me 2 black eyes " that couples counseling is done. They would however, recommend individual counseling as would I.

Np would a therapist consider what op describes as abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Counselling is not recommended with an abuser. They can (and will) use what you say in therapy against you. Don’t do it.

This. Counseling made things worse. He got angrier and scarier. If you're seeing your own therapist, what do they recommend?