What if an ex-spouse becomes ill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t take on a problem that doesn’t exist. Your DH may or may not develop dementia one day. He may or may not have another girlfriend or even wife by then. You don’t need to waste your headspace worrying about something that’s not a problem right now. Focus on your divorce and your new future.

This. Stop borrowing trouble.

[Anonymous]

There's a stat that says women are predominately taking care of ex spouses. Men dump women at the first sign of illness...while married, so I imagine the stats after a divorce are more abysmal. Do you really want to be one of these statistics? For an abusive ex?

Sometimes I wonder if there's someone making up these bizzaro scenarios.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your DD is going to end up taking care of him, maybe while she is quite young. It will likely be very hard. Your role is to assist and support her. I suggest saving money to prepare.

Sincerely, someone who became her father's next of kin, POA, and only surviving relative on her 18th birthday.

This is Op and this is the exact scenario that woke me up from a dead sleep. I don’t want to share a household or life with him but to put this on my DD would be absolutely awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully my ex's unmarried younger sister will be willing to take care of him. She's a good egg. I have faith she would step in. I certainly wouldn't.

I’m OP and this is not my post and I wish DH had a sibling who could care for him. But what a burden for those siblings in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to a lawyer. Does he not have some type of long term care plan?

Honestly if you’re divorced it’s not your concern.

True. It’s not her problem but it most definitely is her daughter’s problem. Most parents wouldn’t want their teenager shouldering something like this alone.

[Anonymous]

Don't men tend to find a replacement wife/girlfriend very quickly? This will be her problem.

[Anonymous]

Abusive XH.

I stayed involved more than I was comfortable in order to try to protect my then-youngest. Two suicide attempts and then he drank himself to death.

It was awful and thankless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't men tend to find a replacement wife/girlfriend very quickly? This will be her problem.

If they don’t have kids, they don’t stick around.

Wife #2 left in less than a year when his family cut him off financially. She also tried to get me to testify about the abuse I suffered that she claimed he bragged to her about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised your father has lived so many years with early dementia (15+?); they usually don’t live as long, especially when symptoms arise that early.

No, you have no obligation to your ex, legally or morally. And you have no evidence that his behavior is related to dementia. Your only focus should be on your DD, snd his impact on her but you do not have to be his caregiver. His old is your DD? Old enough to have a cell phone and call you if things get dicey?

My mother had early onset dementia in her mid 50s and lived 15 years. The absence of other age-related health issues led to longer life span and other issues - in dementia unit, she was much more active and hard to handle for staff.
The problem I see here is lack of medical diagnosis for dementia. It’s hard to get that, until late stage.
Consult an elder care lawyer for advice.

[Anonymous]

Hope he gets remarried fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't men tend to find a replacement wife/girlfriend very quickly? This will be her problem.

No, because the replacement will ditch him when it gets difficult.

[Anonymous]

Don’t discount the fact that perceived responsibility for him will be felt by your daughter. Whether or not he was abusive to you, or to her, she will feel that responsibility. You need to factor it into the equation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I've seen around me is that ex-spouses do end up taking care of their ex. But if you do it, it has to come from the heart and at your own pace.

Do you mean ex-wives end up taking care of ex husbands? Because that's all I've seen.
In fact, it's often illnesses (breast cancer, disabilities, etc) that cause the husband to bolt and divorce the wife

No, you have no obligations to your ex-spouse. Your high school daughter will likely be fine and just spend more time with you.

[Anonymous]

What kind of documentation might you have of the abuse? Anything that might get you full custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t take on a problem that doesn’t exist. Your DH may or may not develop dementia one day. He may or may not have another girlfriend or even wife by then. You don’t need to waste your headspace worrying about something that’s not a problem right now. Focus on your divorce and your new future.

Exactly. therapy op.it will help with your anxiety, recovery from his abuse and setting appropriate boundaries. He doesn't have dementia he may not. You can revisit this 5 to 10 years from now.