What if an ex-spouse becomes ill?

[Anonymous]

We are working through the details prior to divorce, and have a minor child. Divorce is due to abuse by DH, which he has admitted privately but is telling people that things just didn’t work out.

DH’s paternal side has a strong history of early dementia. His dad’s early dementia started impacting his day-to-day life when FIL was 55 or so (eloping, car wrecks) and he was fully incapacitated before 70. However, his body is quite healthy. He is in a memory care facility and MiL spends most of her days caring for him.

My late night concern is that DH’s behavior was pretty unpredictable and increasingly angry before we separated, and I fear that was an early sign of future dementia. He will be in his early to mid 50s when DD is in HS. DH doesn’t have many close friends and his living relatives are his parents, and I don’t imagine his mom will be able to care for him in her 90s, especially if FiL is still alive.

Do I have any legal responsibility to care for him or intervene if he ends up having dementia? What about my moral responsibility?

I’m imagining a scenario where DH has partial custody of DD, DD can’t drive, and I’m suddenly trying to intervene to keep an ex-DH safe and get Dd out of there but am powerless to do so. What do people do in a situation like this?

[Anonymous]

Legally, no. Morally, when someone is abusive, you are no longer morally obligated in any way to help them.

If he develops dementia while DD is in HS, then go back to your lawyer for a custody modification. Maybe he can only be with her supervised, or he won't be allowed to drive her, etc. But ask your lawyer for this legal advice, not us.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised your father has lived so many years with early dementia (15+?); they usually don’t live as long, especially when symptoms arise that early.

No, you have no obligation to your ex, legally or morally. And you have no evidence that his behavior is related to dementia. Your only focus should be on your DD, snd his impact on her but you do not have to be his caregiver. His old is your DD? Old enough to have a cell phone and call you if things get dicey?

[Anonymous]

^FIL

[Anonymous]

What I've seen around me is that ex-spouses do end up taking care of their ex. But if you do it, it has to come from the heart and at your own pace.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your DD is going to end up taking care of him, maybe while she is quite young. It will likely be very hard. Your role is to assist and support her. I suggest saving money to prepare.

Sincerely, someone who became her father's next of kin, POA, and only surviving relative on her 18th birthday.

[Anonymous]

Talk to a lawyer. Does he not have some type of long term care plan?

Honestly if you’re divorced it’s not your concern.

[Anonymous]

As another poster said, your ex will have at least one close relative who’s still around should this happen: your daughter. Neither she, you, nor anyone else will have any legal obligation to care for him, but try telling your daughter that. So, as a practical matter, if this happens as early as you fear you might end up feeling an obligation to care for him to keep your daughter happy. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully you don't dementia before him
Isn't dementia more prevalent with women?

[Anonymous]

Don’t take on a problem that doesn’t exist. Your DH may or may not develop dementia one day. He may or may not have another girlfriend or even wife by then. You don’t need to waste your headspace worrying about something that’s not a problem right now. Focus on your divorce and your new future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your DD is going to end up taking care of him, maybe while she is quite young. It will likely be very hard. Your role is to assist and support her. I suggest saving money to prepare.

Sincerely, someone who became her father's next of kin, POA, and only surviving relative on her 18th birthday.

She doesn’t have to. If my father had been violent to my mother he would be dead to me. I wouldn’t have spit on him if he’d been on fire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully you don't dementia before him
Isn't dementia more prevalent with women?

This. It will be ironic though if she was the one who ends up with dementia.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully my ex's unmarried younger sister will be willing to take care of him. She's a good egg. I have faith she would step in. I certainly wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t worry about it. By that time you probably have your own family and you don’t have energy or bandwidth to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Legally, no nothing beyond your own DD. Which means if she's still a minor when he starts to exhibit signs of dementia, you may have to lawyer up again and go to the courts to try to get custody if it becomes an unsafe situation for her.

Morally? It's your call. I'm sure if he was abusive you want nothing to do with him and what happens to him is what he deserves. But ...you have your DD to think about. I wouldn't want all the responsibility to fall on her shoulders, especially since it sounds like she may be dealing with it when she's barely an adult herself.

But honestly, this isn't something you should be worrying about. There is nothing you can do. He may never get dementia. He may get a gf or get remarried and it becomes her problem. You may get sick first. It's completely unpredictable and there is no reason to worry about anything.