Do you think sharing past trauma with your older teen/young adult child is bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks all.

I did not try to paint my mother in a negative light on purpose. Even before I shared the negatives, I had already told my kids what a difficult life my mother had so they already knew the context.

You conveyed the information in an age appropriate manner. I've done the same with my kids re my traumatic childhood. I'm currently struggling with anger at what my mom did to me. I'm afraid I'm not as forgiving and generous as you.

Same

[Anonymous]

yes, of course ok to share with your soon to be adult child. they need to learn about real life, that it's not all rainbows and sunshine. and what you do about it and how you deal with it. that your life wasn't perfect and you're human and you've done better. that life is about growing. that people are nuanced and sometimes there is bad with the good and we can hold space for both at the same time.

and most of all that you two are tight, that child can come to you anytime with any concern and you are there for them. that you understand and they are never alone in their thoughts or struggles or confusion.

Well done, mama!

[Anonymous]

My child knows I don't see my parents and the few encounters he has had is with supervision from a family member or my husband.

DH and I talk about it in language they understand that is age appropriate.

My mother once asked him at a family event why I won't talk to her and he told her in plain language "because I was mean to her". She then burst into tears and made a big scene talking to him that it wasn't true. Others in the family saw and then understood why I stopped and why I'm protective.

As he gets older I will share more with him but when it comes up. He's not my therapist (not saying that is what the OP is doing) or my friend but my child. As he gets older it's important for him to know why I behave the way I do and where it all comes from.

When I'm short tempered I apologize for it and tell him I'm stressed; when I say no or yes to something I explain why so its not a mystery.

And to the troll - you have to talk to your kids too about why things are the way they are; they aren't your friend or partner but they are part of your life and they need to understand things too. So they can learn to talk and behave within boundaries to not be horrible (knowing or unknowingly) to others in their life as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm. I do not know. Sharing limited age-appropriate things after you worked them out in therapy is one thing, using your kid as therapy is another. If it is a “grey area,” don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These are conversations you have with a husband, not with your child. Do you not have a husband?

I was thinking the same thing. Your job is to be her parent and not burden her with "you." Know what I mean? But your relationship is already set. I wonder if you should talk to a therapist about how to move forward in a more healthy way.

[Anonymous]

I was born with a severe physical disability that really affected my life as a child and teen. Was it trauma? My children were certainly aware of it but until they were young adults I never talked to them about what I went through. Eventually I was encouraged to write my story in great detail and it gave them a great understanding of why I am what I am.