DS diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type, spouse has all the signs too, got very angry when I asked if they had ever been

[Anonymous]

I will also add that menopause has made me much more sympathetic to executive functioning differences. The brain fog is real. My super high executive functioning has definitely decreased. I’m probably more likely to get distracted and leave the stove on right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will also add that menopause has made me much more sympathetic to executive functioning differences. The brain fog is real. My super high executive functioning has definitely decreased. I’m probably more likely to get distracted and leave the stove on right now.

This. It's been eye opening and hard for both of us. My strong EF was what made our household tick, so we've had to adjust as it deteriorates.

[Anonymous]

OP here- They are hypersensitive and think me and others (mostly me) are super critical of them. As a result, they have told family members, friends and neighbors that I am not a good person.

[Anonymous]

Google Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

But this sounds like more than ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will also add that menopause has made me much more sympathetic to executive functioning differences. The brain fog is real. My super high executive functioning has definitely decreased. I’m probably more likely to get distracted and leave the stove on right now.

This. It's been eye opening and hard for both of us. My strong EF was what made our household tick, so we've had to adjust as it deteriorates.

Would you mind sharing what adjustments you have made? It would be helpful for those of us who are aging with special needs children and spouses who are dealing with their own cognitive challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will also add that menopause has made me much more sympathetic to executive functioning differences. The brain fog is real. My super high executive functioning has definitely decreased. I’m probably more likely to get distracted and leave the stove on right now.

This. It's been eye opening and hard for both of us. My strong EF was what made our household tick, so we've had to adjust as it deteriorates.

Would you mind sharing what adjustments you have made? It would be helpful for those of us who are aging with special needs children and spouses who are dealing with their own cognitive challenges.

Refusing to give other people my brain space. When DH wants to be reminded about something, I tell him no and that he can set a calendar invite. Rejecting questions like "Did we remember everything" or "Are we ready to go?"-- he's really asking to be let off the hook for thinking it through. I tell him "figure it out and decide That yourself." No more "royal we" suggestions from DH-- if he says "We should do x", I no longer implement it. Either he does, or it doesn't happen and I'm fine with that. When he can't find something, I don't help him.

With the kids, if they want something bad enough they can be the ones to remember it. Letting the kids experience the consequences of their forgetfulness.

I try to minimize what I bring out of the house with me. Everything you pack is something you have to track and remember. Less is better.

I did a big purge of household clutter and that's really great too. Visual clutter is really hard for me.

I do a lot better when I've exercised and slept enough, so those are priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- They are hypersensitive and think me and others (mostly me) are super critical of them. As a result, they have told family members, friends and neighbors that I am not a good person.

This isn’t ADHD. This is being a jerk. I’m the PP whose spouse has ADHD and I made the post about leaving the stove on and feeling burnt out with all the extra stuff on me. This is frustrating and exhausting. But my spouse is also a kind a wonderful person. What you have is something else entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a spouse and a child with ADHD. My spouse recently went on meds at my insistence. There were no emotional issues, but I was so burned out taking care of everything. He couldn’t follow through or be relied on and I had to constantly check to make sure he had turned off the stove- that type of thing. It was like having another child but lower functioning than my actual kids.

FWIW he said the meds are amazing for him.

2 kids and a spouse with ADHD. Kids were teens when he found out DH has it too. DH tried meds and hated the way they made him feel. I’m in charge of everything kid related. I know he won’t do what needs to be done in time. I just don’t even bother asking anymore. If I want something done I do it. My kids are adults and in HS so there really isn’t a lot of kid stuff to do. I also do everything house related. Again it wouldn’t get done if I waited. I’m ok with it since I’ve basically done this since the kids were little just not knowing why he couldn’t remember anything. I’m not burned out but I’m a SAHM and have the time to do everything.

He still leaves the stove on many many times. It takes 3-4 tries to leave the house for work everyday.

I could have written this in years past, but then I went back to work myself. Got a lot harder when I literally could not do it all and needed him to step up. I still do most of the kid and house stuff mind you…

[Anonymous]

The real trouble hit when I got an in-office job and was suddenly losing an hour or more each day to commuting. Plus was no longer available to bring forgotten items to school on my lunch break. It was a bumpy ride for the whole family but with new routines, we adjusted. I definitely did have to cut back on calendar obligations and let people experience the consequences of forgetting stuff. But we're no less happy for it! Wish I had done it sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- They are hypersensitive and think me and others (mostly me) are super critical of them. As a result, they have told family members, friends and neighbors that I am not a good person.

This isn’t ADHD. This is being a jerk. I’m the PP whose spouse has ADHD and I made the post about leaving the stove on and feeling burnt out with all the extra stuff on me. This is frustrating and exhausting. But my spouse is also a kind a wonderful person. What you have is something else entirely.

Seriously. Op, the main problem here is not adhd (though he may also have adhd.) acting like this behavior is explained by adhd is akin to when people assume killers are autistic. It’s also in your bed interest to drop that stance as stimulants (if he ever goes on them) are not going to mitigate a-holery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will also add that menopause has made me much more sympathetic to executive functioning differences. The brain fog is real. My super high executive functioning has definitely decreased. I’m probably more likely to get distracted and leave the stove on right now.

This. It's been eye opening and hard for both of us. My strong EF was what made our household tick, so we've had to adjust as it deteriorates.

Would you mind sharing what adjustments you have made? It would be helpful for those of us who are aging with special needs children and spouses who are dealing with their own cognitive challenges.

Refusing to give other people my brain space. When DH wants to be reminded about something, I tell him no and that he can set a calendar invite. Rejecting questions like "Did we remember everything" or "Are we ready to go?"-- he's really asking to be let off the hook for thinking it through. I tell him "figure it out and decide That yourself." No more "royal we" suggestions from DH-- if he says "We should do x", I no longer implement it. Either he does, or it doesn't happen and I'm fine with that. When he can't find something, I don't help him.

With the kids, if they want something bad enough they can be the ones to remember it. Letting the kids experience the consequences of their forgetfulness.

I try to minimize what I bring out of the house with me. Everything you pack is something you have to track and remember. Less is better.

I did a big purge of household clutter and that's really great too. Visual clutter is really hard for me.

I do a lot better when I've exercised and slept enough, so those are priorities.

Thank you, pp. This is very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- They are hypersensitive and think me and others (mostly me) are super critical of them. As a result, they have told family members, friends and neighbors that I am not a good person.

This isn’t ADHD. This is being a jerk. I’m the PP whose spouse has ADHD and I made the post about leaving the stove on and feeling burnt out with all the extra stuff on me. This is frustrating and exhausting. But my spouse is also a kind a wonderful person. What you have is something else entirely.

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria is a key hallmark of almost everyone with ADHD. It's a spectrum issue, so some feel it more acutely and some express it more outwardly (as opposed to internally). My husband is one of the world's sweetest humans until he is criticized. And he works very hard not to suffer any criticism. But when it comes, regardless of how innocent or truthful, his response will ALWAYS be disproportionate to the charge.

I suggest you all google Russell Barkley, phd. He has pioneered research and understanding of ADHD in all its complexities. And it touches everything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will also add that menopause has made me much more sympathetic to executive functioning differences. The brain fog is real. My super high executive functioning has definitely decreased. I’m probably more likely to get distracted and leave the stove on right now.

This. It's been eye opening and hard for both of us. My strong EF was what made our household tick, so we've had to adjust as it deteriorates.

Would you mind sharing what adjustments you have made? It would be helpful for those of us who are aging with special needs children and spouses who are dealing with their own cognitive challenges.

Refusing to give other people my brain space. When DH wants to be reminded about something, I tell him no and that he can set a calendar invite. Rejecting questions like "Did we remember everything" or "Are we ready to go?"-- he's really asking to be let off the hook for thinking it through. I tell him "figure it out and decide That yourself." No more "royal we" suggestions from DH-- if he says "We should do x", I no longer implement it. Either he does, or it doesn't happen and I'm fine with that. When he can't find something, I don't help him.

With the kids, if they want something bad enough they can be the ones to remember it. Letting the kids experience the consequences of their forgetfulness.

I try to minimize what I bring out of the house with me. Everything you pack is something you have to track and remember. Less is better.

I did a big purge of household clutter and that's really great too. Visual clutter is really hard for me.

I do a lot better when I've exercised and slept enough, so those are priorities.

I am so interested in this. I’m a little young for perimenopause but I have absolutely hit a wall this past year and just can’t carry the executive function of our entire family anymore. My husband is not diagnosed but I am roughly 99.99 percent sure he has ADHD and he would generally agree but won’t get tested.

I have been racking it up to burn out and some very significant stress for our family but maybe it’s hormones too. Interesting.

I will give him credit he’s gotten better about setting reminders on his phone and making lists (neither of which used to happen at all). My kids, including my 10 year old with ADHD have stepped up a little bit too. A big thing is to build checks into their routine. Now before shoes they check their book bag each day. That has helped more than you would think but absolutely had to be taught. I am trying to get them to do a few more chores, even if it means we basically do them together. Both kids can do a load of laundry and set the table. I know that’s not much but it’s actually progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- They are hypersensitive and think me and others (mostly me) are super critical of them. As a result, they have told family members, friends and neighbors that I am not a good person.

This isn’t ADHD. This is being a jerk. I’m the PP whose spouse has ADHD and I made the post about leaving the stove on and feeling burnt out with all the extra stuff on me. This is frustrating and exhausting. But my spouse is also a kind a wonderful person. What you have is something else entirely.

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria is a key hallmark of almost everyone with ADHD. It's a spectrum issue, so some feel it more acutely and some express it more outwardly (as opposed to internally). My husband is one of the world's sweetest humans until he is criticized. And he works very hard not to suffer any criticism. But when it comes, regardless of how innocent or truthful, his response will ALWAYS be disproportionate to the charge.

I suggest you all google Russell Barkley, phd. He has pioneered research and understanding of ADHD in all its complexities. And it touches everything!

I'm sorry that's your experience, but I have multiple family members with ADHD and none of them are like this. Not everything is linked to ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- They are hypersensitive and think me and others (mostly me) are super critical of them. As a result, they have told family members, friends and neighbors that I am not a good person.

This isn’t ADHD. This is being a jerk. I’m the PP whose spouse has ADHD and I made the post about leaving the stove on and feeling burnt out with all the extra stuff on me. This is frustrating and exhausting. But my spouse is also a kind a wonderful person. What you have is something else entirely.

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria is a key hallmark of almost everyone with ADHD. It's a spectrum issue, so some feel it more acutely and some express it more outwardly (as opposed to internally). My husband is one of the world's sweetest humans until he is criticized. And he works very hard not to suffer any criticism. But when it comes, regardless of how innocent or truthful, his response will ALWAYS be disproportionate to the charge.

I suggest you all google Russell Barkley, phd. He has pioneered research and understanding of ADHD in all its complexities. And it touches everything!

I'm sorry that's your experience, but I have multiple family members with ADHD and none of them are like this. Not everything is linked to ADHD.

+1-this is simply not true. If it was a “hallmark” it would be one of the diagnostic criteria. Can it co-occur-yes of course. And for people with hyperactive type they may be more likely to inpulsively react if they feel stung. But it’s absurd to pretend as if it’s a major part of the disorder, particularly in “almost everyone.”