I don’t want to see grandma

[Anonymous]

As the parent of a kid with ASD, my mama bear came out often. My job is to protect him and help him grow. When he's not in a place to learn and grow, I didn't take him. If someone was in his space, I would physically intervene and remove him from the situation. That often meant driving 2 cars so one parent could stay and one could leave.

DS is 15 now. He has no problems setting his own boundaries. He understands his frustration tolerance level and can articulate it. It takes time and maturity. Letting gma constantly invade his space is teaching him that you are not his safety net. And while gma maybe facing her own declining issues, she is still the adult in this scenario. She needs to deal with him being removed. She can get pissy about it but she's probably not changing her behavior either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You keep taking the child, they need to learn to deal with it.

Don’t listen to this bozo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like both son and grandma are neurodiverse, but in different ways. Grandma’s need to talk at her grandson shouldn’t trump the boy’s need for space and quiet, nor should the boy be allowed to completely ignore his grandma. Set time limits for how long grandma is allowed to talk and how long the grandson has to listen. When time is up, grandson gets to leave and grandma has to talk at someone else.

So this is only going to cement in the kid’s mind how horrible Grandma is and how much he can’t stand seeing her. Also a compulsive close talker who can’t or won’t stop themselves isn’t going to react well to a time limit.

Grandma is exhibiting a behavior that is inappropriate to anyone! I’m not autistic or introverted and I can’t stand close talkers who walk you into a corner and won’t shut up. People in the real world don’t tolerate this crap. They leave.

Your husband, you and your husband or you have a direct conversation with her. Specifically describe the behaviors that are unacceptable and the consequences which are that you will intervene the first time and the second time you all will need to leave. Stick to the consequences. Also neither you nor your husband should tolerate this when she does it to you. You calmly tell her to stop. If she ignores you leave.

[Anonymous]

I’d take him anyway- if he can ask not to go then he can ask to go to another room or play outside or whatever. If you just avoid the situation then you’re missing valuable learning opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You keep taking the child, they need to learn to deal with it.

Disagree!! Grandma can learn or she doesn't see the kid except at major occasions.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP that said make him go. Grandma is not the one that needs to learn & she’s not the one will lose out if you just don’t show up. The child will lose out greatly if he never learns how to handle uncomfortable situations.

[Anonymous]

Tell grandma the child will say they need “quiet time” and then retreat somewhere by themselves.

[Anonymous]

Where is your husband in all this? How does he think you guys should handle this? It's his mom, it'd start there.

I'd also offer, as a compromise to your kid, a "break" from grandma. If you usually see her every month, take three months off. That's reasonable. Then you can start up again with a new approach.

What I think you need to do is be more specific about your concerns and enact clearer boundaries, then enforce them, remembering that Grandma isn't going to turn into a different person and she's not going to be able to translate a discussion about how autistic kids are different into changing her behavior.

You've identified here three issues - she's loud, she's in his face, and she talks for too long. Okay - so loud presumably is handled by the headphones (and also, especially if she has hearing issues, nearly impossible to fix with her directly). In his face seems fixable, but your husband* needs to intervene in the moment with clear instruction. "Mom, you are too close to Larlo. You need to give him more space. Please back up." If she doesn't back up, then he steps in between them. "Mom, back up, please." If that doesn't work, then you take a break. "Okay, you're making Larlo uncomfortable. He and I are going to take a walk" and he (or you) takes Larlo by the hand and walks about the door. Immediately. You come back in 20 mins and try again. And if it happens again, you say "Okay, this is too much for Larlo. We're going to head out" and you leave. If she's local, the visit is over. If she's far, then you go back to your hotel and you try again the next day, with the same boundary. His tone through all of this should be matter-of-fact. You're not angry, you're not asking. This is just how it is. You need to protect your kid and a boundary of not having someone in your face/space is very reasonable.

For length of monologue, I think you can do this a little less directly, and it's probably easiest if you and your husband can work together on this one. Let her prattle on for... 20 mins? However long you think he can reasonably handle. Then you just need to interrupt. "Excuse me, Grandma, I think Larlo needs a break. Larlo, let's go grab a drink of water." Take him by the hand, lead him away, while your husband dives right in with Grandma - "so Mom, how's your knee?"

Good luck!

*best if he handles all boundary setting with his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is Grandma gonna' be the only loud person in this child's life?..forever?

How will you handle other loud people - strangers - noises that you can't control ?

Unfortunately the world isn't a quiet place nor does it revolve around those with health issues

NP. By your very same logic: do people you annoy tolerate you and accommodate you forever, or do they avoid you? If you don’t like someone, do you spend time with them? Generally not. I have a friend of a friend who invites me to do things, and I typically say no because I find her to be highly annoying.

If you are an annoying, relentless person with no respect for social cues, people are going to avoid you.

“Unfortunately the world isn’t a place where people actively choose to be around people who annoy them or who they don’t like, nor does it revolve around those who fail to read social cues and adjust their behavior accordingly.”

Cuts both ways, doesn’t it?

Exactly this, though steamroller extroverts like the PP will never understand it. There is way too much nuance there for someone who barrels through life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and son are on the spectrum. In your shoes, we would keep visits short and infrequent - or if Grandma lives far away and you can't go home, we would book a hotel and retreat there for downtime, instead of staying at her house.

My son has noise sensitivity and often wears headphones, but he can tolerate loud family gatherings without them. He suffers for a while in the middle of it, and I can spot when his social battery runs out because he starts to zone out and not answer questions. Then he just gets up and wanders about looking for a spot to sit by himself. He's always done that - now he's 20. I've never really had to protect him by steering people away, because he does an excellent job of shutting down all by himself, so people get the hint and leave him alone. My late FIL was bipolar and couldn't stop talking in his manic phases, but he never targeted the kids.

If your son is suffering from his Grandma's aggressive behavior, you just need to steer her away from him and say: "He's done, leave him alone. Now you've got to talk to someone else." And keep policing that until you can all leave.

Yikes! What a terrible example you’re setting for your child! No wonder he hides from you in the corner.

NP. There's nothing wrong with this suggestion at all. Some people can't or won't take social cues, and can't implement advice from a prior conversation, so you just have to confront them in the moment as a last resort, and you have to be very direct. My mom is like this, I totally get it.

[Anonymous]

Better arrange some activity together, like visiting the zoo? Going to pool to swim? Museum? Beach? It's boring for kids anyway to go sit at a couch at grandma's, and especially for an autistic child. Heck, it's even boring for neurotypical adults. Lots of old people think others enjoy sitting in their living room for hours on end. Figure out some activity together and then retreat to quiet. You do activities with your kid anyways, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Better arrange some activity together, like visiting the zoo? Going to pool to swim? Museum? Beach? It's boring for kids anyway to go sit at a couch at grandma's, and especially for an autistic child. Heck, it's even boring for neurotypical adults. Lots of old people think others enjoy sitting in their living room for hours on end. Figure out some activity together and then retreat to quiet. You do activities with your kid anyways, right?

The issue isn’t boredom. It’s grandma getting in his face and backing him literally into a corner unrelentingly. OP you have to stay nearby and pull him away. When she does it to you , you have to calmly say stop and leave. She will get it after a while. It’s like training a dog.

I am not a hugger and I will not tolerate random relatives kissing, tickling or grabbing me in any way. There were a few who took it as their personal mission to push this constantly. Each and everytime, I blocked them, moved away and reminded them I’m not a hugger or kisser. I got pout pout faces, pursing up and smacking lips and all kinds of weird crap. I just said nope not doing it. They occasionally make a snide remark oh you aren’t a hugger but go on their way. Both my kids are confident in their ability to say no and not let others violate their personal space just because a weird relative wants to do it.

[Anonymous]

OP is exaggerating about grandma. I don't believe it's nearly as bad as she says.

[Anonymous]

You sound very inflexible and are teaching your son that inflexibility.

[Anonymous]

OP, although there are a few good responses in this thread it's mostly trolls and clueless people. Post in Special Needs. Hugs to you and a gentle wave to your boy.