Hax column on dating post-death of spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different opinions. I have the exact opposite reaction. I routinely post here supporting elderly parents who are dating and but I'm against anyone with non adult children dating.

Seriously?!?! So if your spouse died when your kids were 7, 4, and 2, you would wait until the youngest was 18+ to begin dating again? Fine if you want that, but that is not normal or healthy at all for most. I do support that if you have kids under 18, you should NOT introduce them to your dates until you are engaged or close to it (in a long term relationship that you see lasting forever and are both committed to each other), because your kid's should not have to deal with any of that.

But a parent deserves to be happy and can still parent kids while dating. They deserve some adult companionship and cannot be 100% focused on the kids 24/7. It's okay (especially after 4 years) to focus a bit on themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's just the very uncomfortable feeling of someone being copied and pasted into the deceased loved one's role. Seeing her parenting the kids and being the wife will be really hard.

I get that it might be difficult, but think of HIM and how lonely he must be. He's put 4 years into being the sole parent for his kids and focusing on them and getting them thru the trauma of loosing a parent. At some point, he deserves to take care of himself as well and that means dating if he's ready. And yes, he might want some help with raising 3 kids, assuming he finds the right person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's just the very uncomfortable feeling of someone being copied and pasted into the deceased loved one's role. Seeing her parenting the kids and being the wife will be really hard.

I get that it might be difficult, but think of HIM and how lonely he must be. He's put 4 years into being the sole parent for his kids and focusing on them and getting them thru the trauma of loosing a parent. At some point, he deserves to take care of himself as well and that means dating if he's ready. And yes, he might want some help with raising 3 kids, assuming he finds the right person.

I agree with this. I know someone who lost his wife suddenly in his thirties and went on to re-marry to a widow with children. They have been very happy, and the kids have turned out well. I think most people would say that they would want their spouse to have a chance to re-marry if they found someone they liked. It is not fair for the widow/widower to live frozen in time because their spouse passed away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's just the very uncomfortable feeling of someone being copied and pasted into the deceased loved one's role. Seeing her parenting the kids and being the wife will be really hard.

I get that it might be difficult, but think of HIM and how lonely he must be. He's put 4 years into being the sole parent for his kids and focusing on them and getting them thru the trauma of loosing a parent. At some point, he deserves to take care of himself as well and that means dating if he's ready. And yes, he might want some help with raising 3 kids, assuming he finds the right person.

This is exactly the point of the OP:

"Why is it OK for a man with small children to begin dating again after 4 years but an older person with adult children gets severe pushback?"

As you can see from responses, adult children have a negative opinion of their parents dating. Despite no minor children to consider.

Yet a peer (in their same age range) with small kids, it's by and large considered acceptable after a certain amount a time.

One would think a new partner's influence on minor children is of greater concern, instead of inheritance. But it appears not so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's just the very uncomfortable feeling of someone being copied and pasted into the deceased loved one's role. Seeing her parenting the kids and being the wife will be really hard.

I get that it might be difficult, but think of HIM and how lonely he must be. He's put 4 years into being the sole parent for his kids and focusing on them and getting them thru the trauma of loosing a parent. At some point, he deserves to take care of himself as well and that means dating if he's ready. And yes, he might want some help with raising 3 kids, assuming he finds the right person.

I agree with this. I know someone who lost his wife suddenly in his thirties and went on to re-marry to a widow with children. They have been very happy, and the kids have turned out well. I think most people would say that they would want their spouse to have a chance to re-marry if they found someone they liked. It is not fair for the widow/widower to live frozen in time because their spouse passed away.

+1

And I think 4 years of "not dating" and focusing on the kids and getting the family the therapy they need is more than enough. Dad deserves to be happy (and so would Mom if the situation were reversed.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's just the very uncomfortable feeling of someone being copied and pasted into the deceased loved one's role. Seeing her parenting the kids and being the wife will be really hard.

I get that it might be difficult, but think of HIM and how lonely he must be. He's put 4 years into being the sole parent for his kids and focusing on them and getting them thru the trauma of loosing a parent. At some point, he deserves to take care of himself as well and that means dating if he's ready. And yes, he might want some help with raising 3 kids, assuming he finds the right person.

This is exactly the point of the OP:

"Why is it OK for a man with small children to begin dating again after 4 years but an older person with adult children gets severe pushback?"

As you can see from responses, adult children have a negative opinion of their parents dating. Despite no minor children to consider.

Yet a peer (in their same age range) with small kids, it's by and large considered acceptable after a certain amount a time.

One would think a new partner's influence on minor children is of greater concern, instead of inheritance. But it appears not so.

I'm okay with older people dating and even marrying, but if it were my parents, I would want to be certain it's not because the other person is actively searching for an inheritance. Not because "I want that inheritance" but because I wouldn't want my parent to be scammed.