Help me help my tween navigate initiating play dates

[Anonymous]

That's how tween and teen boys are. Cryptic answers, it takes forever to make a plan, things are always changing, etc.

It's rude but they totally don't see it that way.

I would tell your kid that this hangout might not happen -- it's also kind of rude to say, "Never mind, I'll just ask someone else" -- but it doesn't really sound like this boy is planning to hang out. (Oh, and that kid was VERY rude to say he'd only come if someone else did.)

I'd encourage some very loose get-togethers over the summer -- pickup basketball at the park, meeting up for pizza, etc. My kids usually start with something loose like this, then sometimes wind up hanging out at someone house, going to a park, etc. Good luck ... the tween years are hard!

[Anonymous]

8:21 again. Maybe it shouldn't be this way but a good friendship, even at 12, there can be an expectation of regular time to hang out together. There's a rhythm. DS needs to find ways to join-in. Or focus on other friends.

[Anonymous]

Kids that age are awkward. Sometimes they like having someone come with them to things.

[Anonymous]

Teens want it to look like parents have no role. Language like my mom said I can only invite 1 friend is very infantilizing. It was true, what he said was true, but whenever you can, you're going to have to let him save face.

[Anonymous]

That response is rude and he doesn’t sound like a good friend. I would just say Ok, maybe another time. My kids always have to tell their friends they can only invite one friend if they ask who’s going and no one has ever responded like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's too much too soon. The other two are good friends and it feels like your DS in inserting himself. Forcing it. As parents sometimes you can't get what you want. Invite both kids. And yes when the three are together your DS will be an outsider for awhile. Friendships don't happen quickly.

Btw, calling it a play date if your kid is older than 3rd or 4th grade is real lame. No self respecting tween is this childish.

This. Invite the other kid too. It’s not about the kids respecting social norms, it’s about socializing your own and getting him to develop friendships. Maybe the other kid doesn’t know your son well and thinks it will be awkward. Maybe they already have their own group of friends, and instead of peeling friends off one by one, it’s better your son joins the group and develops multiple relationships at once.

It’s actually a great thing the kid proposed to bring others, it’s a way to introduce your son to the group of friends and to make him one of their own. Crazy how a teen boy is more socially savvy than most of the response posts on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's too much too soon. The other two are good friends and it feels like your DS in inserting himself. Forcing it. As parents sometimes you can't get what you want. Invite both kids. And yes when the three are together your DS will be an outsider for awhile. Friendships don't happen quickly.

Btw, calling it a play date if your kid is older than 3rd or 4th grade is real lame. No self respecting tween is this childish.

This. Invite the other kid too. It’s not about the kids respecting social norms, it’s about socializing your own and getting him to develop friendships. Maybe the other kid doesn’t know your son well and thinks it will be awkward. Maybe they already have their own group of friends, and instead of peeling friends off one by one, it’s better your son joins the group and develops multiple relationships at once.

It’s actually a great thing the kid proposed to bring others, it’s a way to introduce your son to the group of friends and to make him one of their own. Crazy how a teen boy is more socially savvy than most of the response posts on this thread.

My 9yr old is brining a friend as well and I literally don’t have room in my car. That’s why he was told he could bring 1 friend. My son is friends with both boys. He has been invited to do more things with the boy he invited and is closer to him so that’s why he chose him. He was very confused with the response as they were just chatting on Xbox earlier.

[Anonymous]

Kids that age. Ugh.

There can be a power dynamic in friendships at that age where one kid needs or wants the friendship more and both kids know it. Your son is on the lower end of this power dynamic. It leads to moments like this. My oldest son had this type of dynamic with some friends in middle school and it was painful. Right down to the worrying other kids would be "mad" at him. What this means is he feels he has to put up with their crap to have friends.

The short-term answer is just let it ride and he should say to the kid, ok let me know. And in the end he might end up having no one to go with him.

Long-term, keep messaging to him and pointing out how friendship should feel, how friends should treat each other. Encourage other friendships. He will get fed up with this dynamic on his own and move on is the hope. My son did and never looked back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's too much too soon. The other two are good friends and it feels like your DS in inserting himself. Forcing it. As parents sometimes you can't get what you want. Invite both kids. And yes when the three are together your DS will be an outsider for awhile. Friendships don't happen quickly.

Btw, calling it a play date if your kid is older than 3rd or 4th grade is real lame. No self respecting tween is this childish.

This. Invite the other kid too. It’s not about the kids respecting social norms, it’s about socializing your own and getting him to develop friendships. Maybe the other kid doesn’t know your son well and thinks it will be awkward. Maybe they already have their own group of friends, and instead of peeling friends off one by one, it’s better your son joins the group and develops multiple relationships at once.

It’s actually a great thing the kid proposed to bring others, it’s a way to introduce your son to the group of friends and to make him one of their own. Crazy how a teen boy is more socially savvy than most of the response posts on this thread.

My 9yr old is brining a friend as well and I literally don’t have room in my car. That’s why he was told he could bring 1 friend. My son is friends with both boys. He has been invited to do more things with the boy he invited and is closer to him so that’s why he chose him. He was very confused with the response as they were just chatting on Xbox earlier.

Invite the other kid for sleepover only. You get some one on one time with the friend and some with the group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids that age. Ugh.

There can be a power dynamic in friendships at that age where one kid needs or wants the friendship more and both kids know it. Your son is on the lower end of this power dynamic. It leads to moments like this. My oldest son had this type of dynamic with some friends in middle school and it was painful. Right down to the worrying other kids would be "mad" at him. What this means is he feels he has to put up with their crap to have friends.

The short-term answer is just let it ride and he should say to the kid, ok let me know. And in the end he might end up having no one to go with him.

Long-term, keep messaging to him and pointing out how friendship should feel, how friends should treat each other. Encourage other friendships. He will get fed up with this dynamic on his own and move on is the hope. My son did and never looked back.

Or maybe the other kids are friends since kindergarten, have a stronger bond, do sports together, family vacations, or simply are a better fit as friends because of compatible sense of humor, social skill, interest in girls etc. There are a million other perfectly fine reasons besides “power dynamic”.

I agree with finding someone that’s the right friend for him. It may even happen through his old friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids that age. Ugh.

There can be a power dynamic in friendships at that age where one kid needs or wants the friendship more and both kids know it. Your son is on the lower end of this power dynamic. It leads to moments like this. My oldest son had this type of dynamic with some friends in middle school and it was painful. Right down to the worrying other kids would be "mad" at him. What this means is he feels he has to put up with their crap to have friends.

The short-term answer is just let it ride and he should say to the kid, ok let me know. And in the end he might end up having no one to go with him.

Long-term, keep messaging to him and pointing out how friendship should feel, how friends should treat each other. Encourage other friendships. He will get fed up with this dynamic on his own and move on is the hope. My son did and never looked back.

Or maybe the other kids are friends since kindergarten, have a stronger bond, do sports together, family vacations, or simply are a better fit as friends because of compatible sense of humor, social skill, interest in girls etc. There are a million other perfectly fine reasons besides “power dynamic”.

I agree with finding someone that’s the right friend for him. It may even happen through his old friends.

Really? Sorry being so casually rude and saying you don't want to hang out with someone unless another person is invited is a douche move. Yes boys this age can be clueless but even a 12 year old knows better. If it was someone who was higher status than them socially, they would never respond that way. Not in a million years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's too much too soon. The other two are good friends and it feels like your DS in inserting himself. Forcing it. As parents sometimes you can't get what you want. Invite both kids. And yes when the three are together your DS will be an outsider for awhile. Friendships don't happen quickly.

Btw, calling it a play date if your kid is older than 3rd or 4th grade is real lame. No self respecting tween is this childish.

This. Invite the other kid too. It’s not about the kids respecting social norms, it’s about socializing your own and getting him to develop friendships. Maybe the other kid doesn’t know your son well and thinks it will be awkward. Maybe they already have their own group of friends, and instead of peeling friends off one by one, it’s better your son joins the group and develops multiple relationships at once.

It’s actually a great thing the kid proposed to bring others, it’s a way to introduce your son to the group of friends and to make him one of their own. Crazy how a teen boy is more socially savvy than most of the response posts on this thread.

My 9yr old is brining a friend as well and I literally don’t have room in my car. That’s why he was told he could bring 1 friend. My son is friends with both boys. He has been invited to do more things with the boy he invited and is closer to him so that’s why he chose him. He was very confused with the response as they were just chatting on Xbox earlier.

Invite the other kid for sleepover only. You get some one on one time with the friend and some with the group.

No, that’s rude. Do the joint sleepover another day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids that age. Ugh.

There can be a power dynamic in friendships at that age where one kid needs or wants the friendship more and both kids know it. Your son is on the lower end of this power dynamic. It leads to moments like this. My oldest son had this type of dynamic with some friends in middle school and it was painful. Right down to the worrying other kids would be "mad" at him. What this means is he feels he has to put up with their crap to have friends.

The short-term answer is just let it ride and he should say to the kid, ok let me know. And in the end he might end up having no one to go with him.

Long-term, keep messaging to him and pointing out how friendship should feel, how friends should treat each other. Encourage other friendships. He will get fed up with this dynamic on his own and move on is the hope. My son did and never looked back.

Or maybe the other kids are friends since kindergarten, have a stronger bond, do sports together, family vacations, or simply are a better fit as friends because of compatible sense of humor, social skill, interest in girls etc. There are a million other perfectly fine reasons besides “power dynamic”.

I agree with finding someone that’s the right friend for him. It may even happen through his old friends.

Really? Sorry being so casually rude and saying you don't want to hang out with someone unless another person is invited is a douche move. Yes boys this age can be clueless but even a 12 year old knows better. If it was someone who was higher status than them socially, they would never respond that way. Not in a million years.

Listen, it’s twelve year old boys making friends, not the snake pit of middle aged women with a low threshold for being offended.

The kids need to spend time together to develop friendships, stop being so sanctimonious. Boys are not that sensitive to social status which most of the times is gained by doing stupid stuff anyways. Maybe the kids know it is more fun if all three are at the sleepover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids that age. Ugh.

There can be a power dynamic in friendships at that age where one kid needs or wants the friendship more and both kids know it. Your son is on the lower end of this power dynamic. It leads to moments like this. My oldest son had this type of dynamic with some friends in middle school and it was painful. Right down to the worrying other kids would be "mad" at him. What this means is he feels he has to put up with their crap to have friends.

The short-term answer is just let it ride and he should say to the kid, ok let me know. And in the end he might end up having no one to go with him.

Long-term, keep messaging to him and pointing out how friendship should feel, how friends should treat each other. Encourage other friendships. He will get fed up with this dynamic on his own and move on is the hope. My son did and never looked back.

Or maybe the other kids are friends since kindergarten, have a stronger bond, do sports together, family vacations, or simply are a better fit as friends because of compatible sense of humor, social skill, interest in girls etc. There are a million other perfectly fine reasons besides “power dynamic”.

I agree with finding someone that’s the right friend for him. It may even happen through his old friends.

Really? Sorry being so casually rude and saying you don't want to hang out with someone unless another person is invited is a douche move. Yes boys this age can be clueless but even a 12 year old knows better. If it was someone who was higher status than them socially, they would never respond that way. Not in a million years.

Listen, it’s twelve year old boys making friends, not the snake pit of middle aged women with a low threshold for being offended.

The kids need to spend time together to develop friendships, stop being so sanctimonious. Boys are not that sensitive to social status which most of the times is gained by doing stupid stuff anyways. Maybe the kids know it is more fun if all three are at the sleepover.

Do you have middle school age kids? It is the peak age for being aware of “popularity” and caring deeply about what your peers think of you. Hopefully you as a middle age lady care a whole lot less. They notice and care. Of course boys are sensitive to social status.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to text ok nvm and then ask a real friend.