Mom’s Schadenfreude

[Anonymous]

Same here. Late 40s, my mom is in her mid-70s. She loves to hear about things not going well so she can chastise me with “see, this is what happens without family near by.” It’s also herself wanting to feel useful because she has a lot of friends whose kids lean on them for everything. I don’t tell her much because I don’t feel she wishes me well. She wants to hear that we’re barely holding it together. And funny thing is she’s a Trumper so when I told her our jobs were threatened she had no sympathy at all, which just further emphasizes to me that she’s not on our side.

[Anonymous]

It may also be that your temperament is possibly more like your fathers and you two just process things differently, and in her attempt to bond with you, or be your safe space to complain, she's missing the mark.

Maybe your mother has more of a complaining temperament, or they had difficulties in their marriage starting around this time so she's either consciously or unconsciously looking for/fearful of signs of trouble in your life at this time, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think women of that era (especially if they didn’t work) look at our lives and think we’re crazy. They didn’t do travel sports, didn’t know couples who both had good careers, didn’t work late, didn’t drive kids to a million things.

I do think it's generational, but I don't think it's just this. My mom had four kids and I just have one -- I don't think she looks at my life and thinks it looks crazy, even though I work and she doesn't.

Rather, I think part of it is that my mom didn't feel like she had a lot of choice in the life she led -- marriage, becoming a mom, having more kids. All of that stuff was socially pushed on her and felt like an obligation she had to fulfill. I don't think she ever seriously felt like just graduating college, getting a job, waiting to marry, having kids when or if she wanted, and having the number of kids she actually wanted, were options for her.

I think it's hard for her to look at me and the fact that I've exercised a lot of agency over my choices, and affirmatively rejected things like early marriage and motherhood, or having a whole house full of kids, in favor of a life that suits me better. I think sometimes she's negative because she has regrets, and wants to feel better about the life she didn't leave. Like "it's still just awful, right? Your kid is loud and annoying and never leaves you alone? Getting dinner on the table every night is a huge chore? Your husband doesn't help enough, right?" I get it. It sucks that my mom just did not have these choices and wound up leading a life that was basically forced on her. She had very conservative Catholic parents, lost her mom when she was young, had to drop out of college due to lack of funds, and got pushed into marriage at 19 because she got pregnant. It sucks.

But I do sometimes have to keep her at arms length because while I empathize with all of that, I can't help validate her life by putting my own life down. She was depressed through most of my childhood and there was a lot of violence and yelling in my home growing up. I had to go to therapy and work on myself just to get to a place where I felt I could have kids at all. I have to protect my own happiness and the well being of my family, which sometimes means taking space from her and her negativity. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's an early sign of dementia, TBH.

Then millions of people must be suffering from dementia at a VERY early age!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think women of that era (especially if they didn’t work) look at our lives and think we’re crazy. They didn’t do travel sports, didn’t know couples who both had good careers, didn’t work late, didn’t drive kids to a million things.

I do think it's generational, but I don't think it's just this. My mom had four kids and I just have one -- I don't think she looks at my life and thinks it looks crazy, even though I work and she doesn't.

Rather, I think part of it is that my mom didn't feel like she had a lot of choice in the life she led -- marriage, becoming a mom, having more kids. All of that stuff was socially pushed on her and felt like an obligation she had to fulfill. I don't think she ever seriously felt like just graduating college, getting a job, waiting to marry, having kids when or if she wanted, and having the number of kids she actually wanted, were options for her.

I think it's hard for her to look at me and the fact that I've exercised a lot of agency over my choices, and affirmatively rejected things like early marriage and motherhood, or having a whole house full of kids, in favor of a life that suits me better. I think sometimes she's negative because she has regrets, and wants to feel better about the life she didn't leave. Like "it's still just awful, right? Your kid is loud and annoying and never leaves you alone? Getting dinner on the table every night is a huge chore? Your husband doesn't help enough, right?" I get it. It sucks that my mom just did not have these choices and wound up leading a life that was basically forced on her. She had very conservative Catholic parents, lost her mom when she was young, had to drop out of college due to lack of funds, and got pushed into marriage at 19 because she got pregnant. It sucks.

But I do sometimes have to keep her at arms length because while I empathize with all of that, I can't help validate her life by putting my own life down. She was depressed through most of my childhood and there was a lot of violence and yelling in my home growing up. I had to go to therapy and work on myself just to get to a place where I felt I could have kids at all. I have to protect my own happiness and the well being of my family, which sometimes means taking space from her and her negativity. It's hard.

NP - I agree with all of this and have a similar dynamic with my mom. She actually did do more things independently than many Boomer women, but options were limited for her as they were for pretty much all women back then. They really didn’t have as much choice.

My mom does her best but generally has a depressive personality, so she tends towards the negative. The only time she can sort of connect with me is when I’m complaining. I also worked very hard in therapy for a long time so that I didn’t end up as negative as she is and could have the life I wanted (as much as anyone can control things). I’m so glad I did, but it also precludes a close relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Moms are always alert on behalf on their kids. They can't always turn off the protective mama bear instinct, even if they children are now grown ass adults. My guess is your mom wants to make sure all is well in your life and is on the lookout for possible bumps in the highway of life. Appreciate your mom loves you and wants to continue protecting you.

[Anonymous]

My Mom is just like this. Hypercritical of everyone and always seeing the negative in everything. A total Debbie Downer! She never has a nice or kind word to say about anyone. And she loves to be the victim for everything and then she's upset when people do not want to be around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moms are always alert on behalf on their kids. They can't always turn off the protective mama bear instinct, even if they children are now grown ass adults. My guess is your mom wants to make sure all is well in your life and is on the lookout for possible bumps in the highway of life. Appreciate your mom loves you and wants to continue protecting you.

Some moms. Some moms are checked out after a couple of years like some dads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think women of that era (especially if they didn’t work) look at our lives and think we’re crazy. They didn’t do travel sports, didn’t know couples who both had good careers, didn’t work late, didn’t drive kids to a million things.

My mom has some similarities to what the op is describing- I don't think she necessarily wants me to be miserable but she never asks for help (and them complains about how much she has to do around the house) and then says that she doesn't need help from me because I must be "so busy" and she doesn't want to put me out. One difference I think is that she had a full time job in the 80s and 90s and had to be in the office from 8:30 to 5pm (at least) every day so she doesn't seem to understand that I can come help her fix her shower bar in the middle of the workday and take a call from there (I recognize I have a more flexible schedule than many in this age of RTO).

So some of it is just older women applying their worldviews and experience to the present without taking into account how things have changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think women of that era (especially if they didn’t work) look at our lives and think we’re crazy. They didn’t do travel sports, didn’t know couples who both had good careers, didn’t work late, didn’t drive kids to a million things.

I do think it's generational, but I don't think it's just this. My mom had four kids and I just have one -- I don't think she looks at my life and thinks it looks crazy, even though I work and she doesn't.

Rather, I think part of it is that my mom didn't feel like she had a lot of choice in the life she led -- marriage, becoming a mom, having more kids. All of that stuff was socially pushed on her and felt like an obligation she had to fulfill. I don't think she ever seriously felt like just graduating college, getting a job, waiting to marry, having kids when or if she wanted, and having the number of kids she actually wanted, were options for her.

I think it's hard for her to look at me and the fact that I've exercised a lot of agency over my choices, and affirmatively rejected things like early marriage and motherhood, or having a whole house full of kids, in favor of a life that suits me better. I think sometimes she's negative because she has regrets, and wants to feel better about the life she didn't leave. Like "it's still just awful, right? Your kid is loud and annoying and never leaves you alone? Getting dinner on the table every night is a huge chore? Your husband doesn't help enough, right?" I get it. It sucks that my mom just did not have these choices and wound up leading a life that was basically forced on her. She had very conservative Catholic parents, lost her mom when she was young, had to drop out of college due to lack of funds, and got pushed into marriage at 19 because she got pregnant. It sucks.

But I do sometimes have to keep her at arms length because while I empathize with all of that, I can't help validate her life by putting my own life down. She was depressed through most of my childhood and there was a lot of violence and yelling in my home growing up. I had to go to therapy and work on myself just to get to a place where I felt I could have kids at all. I have to protect my own happiness and the well being of my family, which sometimes means taking space from her and her negativity. It's hard.

My mom CONSTANTLY comments whenever my husband does anything around the house about how helpful he is. I don't think my dad was even that bad for his generation (he did yardwork, emptied the dishwasher every morning, coached my soccer team etc) but I think he still did less than my husband does and my mom acts like my husband is hanging the moon whenever he performs a normal chore

[Anonymous]

My very conservative Asian MIL would be HORRIFIED if she knew that my husband does most of the cooking these days. She'd think he was doing slave labor for a horrible wife who doesn't look after him

I did 99% of the housework and childcare for years, and now our kids are in college and high school, and we both stepped back from working like crazy... my husband has decided to grocery shop and cook.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know OP. I don’t know what it’s like to have a mother who listens or even cares about what I’m going through. Be happy your mom even asks a question as simple as, “how are you?” That’s something I haven’t heard in years, so I stopped talking to my mother completely.