What happened when you stopped being so nice?

[Anonymous]

I found out that a lot of people were benefiting off my always pleasing, giving in, playing small. I got divorced and became estranged from my parents. I am in therapy and am happier now than before but it did come with a lot of loss.

[Anonymous]

I’ve had to a lot of self reflection to realize I don’t care about being a people pleaser and don’t care what others think of me. For context, I’m also an introvert. Here’s what happened:

I took the advice that I could say no to anything I wanted and could stop giving an explanation on why. I did just that for so many things in my life, socially and work.

It was completely freeing and I’m so much happier. I don’t feel guilt and I let it go. I have more time at work and am not a doormat. I do not go to a lot of social engagements anymore that I don’t want to. I drifted from many so called friends but I’m okay with that.

I realized a lot of people in my family don’t make the same effort towards us as we do for them. I do what we can and will help my parents but completely prioritize my immediate family first, my kids and DH.

[Anonymous]

19:46 and I’m adding to my post to give you some of my go to words that I use. I realize it can be hard to say no if pushy people are pressing you. You don’t have to give reasons other than this. This is more than you even need to say but I realize you are trying to be more assertive. These work to say no for work asks or social get togethers. Fewest words possible.

I’m not available.
No, I can’t make it
No, I won’t be able to do that.

For many parties I’ve said - thanks for the invite but I have other plans that day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost a lot of "friends" who weren't really friends at all. I don't miss them, but it was a little lonely while I worked on making better friendships. Overall it strengthened my relationships with people who actually cared about me and removed the people who were just using me. 10/10, would recommend!

This too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:46 and I’m adding to my post to give you some of my go to words that I use. I realize it can be hard to say no if pushy people are pressing you. You don’t have to give reasons other than this. This is more than you even need to say but I realize you are trying to be more assertive. These work to say no for work asks or social get togethers. Fewest words possible.

I’m not available.
No, I can’t make it
No, I won’t be able to do that.

For many parties I’ve said - thanks for the invite but I have other plans that day.

Yep, once you say "because" you're telling them it's negotiable if they can negate your reason. If you say you can't because you'll be out of town this weekend, they'll say you can do it next weekend, etc.

[Anonymous]

People will be shocked and wonder “what’s gotten in to Larla.”

[Anonymous]

If people challenge you, tell them “My therapist wants me to work on not being such a people pleaser because it comes at a real cost and takes a significant toll on me. I’m working on it.”

[Anonymous]

Best thing ever. Just do it.
People started respecting me more.
It became easier and easier for me to not be a people pleaser. First few times took a lot of conscious doing.
I am more attuned to myself and what I really want - not in a selfish way, just in an attuned way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If people challenge you, tell them “My therapist wants me to work on not being such a people pleaser because it comes at a real cost and takes a significant toll on me. I’m working on it.”

“My therapist wants me to work on it?”

That sounds like a line out of a bad sitcom. Please tell me you’re kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got a divorce and am so much happier

+1

[Anonymous]

I lost the people that were worth losing.

Paradoxically I became much nicer to many people, and I connected more with them, too. Even random people, like at the grocery store. It becomes easier to move heart-forward through the world when you aren’t gritting your teeth.

[Anonymous]

People will have more respect for you and you'll have more respect for you.