Anyone deal with hysterical bonding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:??

Your husband can't leave soon enough, my dear. You need a psychiatrist.

Then why hasn't he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"planning therapy soon?" You use the language of therapy, or at least online therapies, like "hysterical bonding"...

Try simply deciding. It's so much neater. Do you want to be with this person or not? You clearly recognize that there's post-infidelity mood swings and clinging, but that's not actual love or even attraction. Do you truly like this person? Want to do the work of loving them? Feel like you trust their love for you? If all three of those aren't absolute yes, back way the heck off and decide what you want. If you need a therapist to help you figure that out, get one, but IME so much of "therapy" is just paying someone to listen to shite you could've written in a journal for free.

You already know if you want to do the work to make this work or not, and it sure sounds like an "or not". Let your hall-pass-having separated spouse do what you've agreed and you go do your work on your feelings about it. Control the one person you can: yourself.

We both want to work on things.

[Anonymous]

You don't mind don't ask don't tell STDs?
Do you want to jump his bones now?
Why didn't you before? Or can you not physically have PIV anyway?
Tell him to STFU about his texting and sneaking and talk to a lawyer. See if you can file. Does refusal to have sex constitute abandonment in your state?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"planning therapy soon?" You use the language of therapy, or at least online therapies, like "hysterical bonding"...

Try simply deciding. It's so much neater. Do you want to be with this person or not? You clearly recognize that there's post-infidelity mood swings and clinging, but that's not actual love or even attraction. Do you truly like this person? Want to do the work of loving them? Feel like you trust their love for you? If all three of those aren't absolute yes, back way the heck off and decide what you want. If you need a therapist to help you figure that out, get one, but IME so much of "therapy" is just paying someone to listen to shite you could've written in a journal for free.

You already know if you want to do the work to make this work or not, and it sure sounds like an "or not". Let your hall-pass-having separated spouse do what you've agreed and you go do your work on your feelings about it. Control the one person you can: yourself.

We both want to work on things.

This is not the impression your post gives. It says "he's out looking for some strange" coupled with "some days you care about that, others not so much".

What do YOU want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:??

Your husband can't leave soon enough, my dear. You need a psychiatrist.

Then why hasn't he?

Because it's a hassle. Now stop trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:??

Your husband can't leave soon enough, my dear. You need a psychiatrist.

Then why hasn't he?

He has no reason to leave. He can do whatever he wants without having to deal with the difficulties and financial mess of a divorce. He's in a winning situation. The only way he'll leave is if he meets someone he wants to get serious with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Let him cheat in peace 🙄

What do you mean? Just ignore? Why?

Because that’s the deal you made.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP, I go through this myself. Most of the replies here haven’t been through it and don’t understand.

For me, I’ll catch H (similar to inappropriate texting). I’ll blow up, start packing my things, put in apartment applications, etc. During this time H is completely stoic and seemingly unbothered.

Within 48 hours the hysterical bonding kicks in, which is where I become a sobbing mess and do everything I can to get the bonding back. Always ends in mind-blowing sex for about 2-3days. Then the resentment and anger kicks in and I got back to wanting nothing to do with him, but also not angry enough to leave.

Evolutionarily this is designed to keep partners together while they have young children/babies. Babies don’t survive if the parents split up, so the hysterical bonding makes you attached again.

It has gotten better as the kids get older, just a sort of acceptance that’s who H is. We rarely have sex and rarely spend time together. I don’t try to control his behavior and I don’t go looking for anything. I’m basically just waiting until the kids grow up and plan on going my own way, whether or not we officially divorce. But I basically just have to keep myself from feeling any real emotion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How resentful is he since you blew him off for years? Now you expect him to care? You lost that right.

I have been an amazing wife in other ways while he has been gallivanting around the world. There has been major resentment. It works both ways. I have also told him I am fine with "don't ask don't tell" and/or a one night stand. So he has hardly been suffering, even though he didn't partake. We both have contributed to our issues.

So you believe that he has been celibate this whole time?

[Anonymous]

Hysterical bonding sounds like limerance with a side of mania.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hysterical bonding sounds like limerance with a side of mania.

Love with a side of betrayal and grief.

[Anonymous]

But I bet it's his stoicism that sets her off. If he got upset then no need to make him care again right. Of course he doesn't care more than before but maybe gets his pole waxed more for a bit.
It's like an addiction,

[Anonymous]

Or kid throwing tantrum because of separation anxiety.
Just move out. If he cares he will show up with flowers if he doesn't he will call to ask where the drycleaners is.

[Anonymous]

Divorce

[Anonymous]

Wow, "hysterical bonding" perfectly describes my mother's obsession with her failed marriage.