Need advice

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine not offering to pay at a dinner with a group of friends. For that matter, I can't imagine a group of friends allowing the birthday celebrant to pay for themselves. This seems wild to me.

Please have a happy birthday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes my heart hurt. What is the point of having "friends" if you can't just tell them the truth?

OP, just be straightforward about it: For my birthday, what I want is to have lunch with y'all. I'm broke, so it works best if we just treat it like a friend lunch and each pay our way. No gifts, just want to see you! Can you meet me at ______?

"Friendship" where you have to play a bunch of stupid headgames and pussyfoot around what you want sounds utterly exhausting. Give me a real friend who like the real me over this mock-polite nonsense!

Hallelujah!! It is great to hear from someone else who values authenticity.

It is almost like some of these posters are saying, “if you expect your friends’ company in your birthday, you have to make it worth their while.”

I prefer this, too. Inviting people out on your birthday and then saying it at the end of the night or not at all is confusing.

I do think it's best to avoid giving the impression you expect to be paid for or that you are paying for everyone, though. I've been burned when I was between jobs and also pregnant and invited to a birthday dinner. It has a real paper invitation in the mail at a reserved room in a restaurant, so I assumed it was hosted. I only drank water and nibbled on the celery from the wings platter since I had pregnancy nausea and still was counted when they divided up the bill equally for meals, extensive shared apps and champagne and cocktails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a single older women. For my birthday, I would like to meet friends for dinner at a restaurant. How do I invite them without suggesting I am picking up the tab for the whole group?

It's so rude to do this.

[Anonymous]

OP, the problem is using the word “invite”. If everyone is splitting the check, then some other wording would make that clearer. If your friends don’t already have a tradition of going out to celebrate each other’s birthdays, one possibility could be to tell one of your friends what you’d like, and see if they’re willing to play “cruise director” and let the others know.

With my friends, I’m pretty direct though, so I’d probably just ask / suggest directly, and see who might be up for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always find this so weird. In our friend group, we always pay for the birthday person.

But doing this means having this as a tradition that everyone participates in, as well as knowing when each other’s birthdays are. I’ve been in friend groups that do this, but also recognize that not everyone celebrates — or wants to celebrate — in the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single older women. For my birthday, I would like to meet friends for dinner at a restaurant. How do I invite them without suggesting I am picking up the tab for the whole group?

It's so rude to do this.

Why?

Are you wealthy (ie someone who can pay for 5 dinners at a nice Bethesda restaurant, just so you have company on your birthday?)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always find this so weird. In our friend group, we always pay for the birthday person.

But doing this means having this as a tradition that everyone participates in, as well as knowing when each other’s birthdays are. I’ve been in friend groups that do this, but also recognize that not everyone celebrates — or wants to celebrate — in the same way.

Everyone’s social network is different.
Some people have spouses, siblings nearby, grandchildren , lifelong friends…and some don’t . People should not assume all options are open to all peopke.

[Anonymous]

Pick a night your friends are free with no mention of your birthday. Assuming the heart of what you want is their company, it doesn't matter exactly what day it is. By doing the coordination, you've gifted yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick a night your friends are free with no mention of your birthday. Assuming the heart of what you want is their company, it doesn't matter exactly what day it is. By doing the coordination, you've gifted yourself.

That’s a lovely idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single older women. For my birthday, I would like to meet friends for dinner at a restaurant. How do I invite them without suggesting I am picking up the tab for the whole group?

It's so rude to do this.

Not if it's done right. OP wants to celebrate her birthday by not being alone. If others don't know it's a special day, they may not make the effort to be available that day. I remember my widowed mother wanting to do this to mark the 50th anniversary of my parents' wedding. She kept asking individual friends if they could go to dinner on that date without stating why, but all had plans. My brother wasn't even keen on it because he didn't see the point. But it was important to her and she was trying to mark a very special occasion and memory with a dinner with someone, not home alone.

The Fudrucker's commenter offered a perfect way for OP to pursue. Honest, friendly, and very much not rude. If her friends say they'll treat her and she really doesn't want that, she can easily say 'no no no, I just want to celebrate with you. Everyone take care of their own.'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Ladies, I'm on a budget but love you and would love to celebrate my birthday with you. If everyone paid their own way would you be able to join me July 12th at Fudruckers for dinner?"

Lovely!