Husband pulling back from parents and it’s awkward

[Anonymous]

As a person who has suffered past trauma from both of my parents during my childhood, I can sympathize with your husband.

It is never easy being estranged from one’s own parents but if that is the path that your husband is choosing to go down, then the best you can do for your entire family is fully support his choice.
It may be temporary or could be permanent……and if you have good parents yes, this probably feels very strange on your end.

I personally think your husband is sorting through a lot now and it is best if you let him do that in peace.
Thankfully your children do not seem to be negatively impacted by your husband’s decision which is a positive in all of this.

Good luck. 👍🏽

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you talk to your husband about it. Ask him how he’s been feeling about his relationship with his parents and how you can support him in that. Be there for him. As someone who has had to distance herself from her own parents due to childhood trauma, it is really hard and I’m so grateful to have my husband’s support and to be able to talk to him about it.

I wouldn’t want my husband to say “it’s so awkward/weird” that’s not helpful. I wouldn’t want him to encourage me to get together with them either or make me feel in any way that my choice to distance myself was “wrong” or made me weird.

OP, think of your DH. Creating distance from parents is painful; he doesn’t need his wife judging and questioning it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's weird is that it took therapy to "discover" his trauma is from his parents and the solution is to pull back completely.

There are lots of reasons to pull back from parents, but you typically are aware of them.

Either he was bizarrely clueless, or his therapist is pushing him into a more drastic step than necessary.

And this comes from someone who has limited involvement with his parents—I've known them for 44 years, needing some space from them wasn't a revelation...

I entirely agree. It dawned on me as a young teen that my parents weren't normal people. I had to suffer through the teen years with them, and didn't distance myself until I was 32-33, but believe me, OP, no therapist had to tell me that my original trauma was stress triggered by my parents! And my kids, growing up in a normal home, sensed their grandparents were off when they were very little, preschool to elementary.

So either this is manufactured, or your husband is pretty dumb.

I don't think it's dumb at all. Your judgment here is not at all useful and illustrates your limited thinking abilities and lack of empathy. Did you pick up that lack of empathy from your parents?

DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH discovered in therapy that his main source of stress and “original trauma” is/was his parents. He’s been gradually pulling back, and I’ve noticed a sort of calm envelop our home. It’s also really strange at the same time. We haven’t seen them since late January. I keep feeling like I should ask, will we ever see your parents again? but I know it’s not my place. Strangely, our kids don’t even seem to miss them. They haven’t even asked about them. Could they sense something was off with them, too? Something I chose to ignore? If I’m being honest, I’m loving the peace. But, it does feel so, so, strange.

Anyone else have this type of “relationship” with your parents or ILs? How do you manage these feelings? What is it like when you inevitably see them after these long breaks? I’m thinking it will feel so fake and forced once we finally do. How do you cope?

Wait, what? What exactly are you "coping" with? This is your husband's call. He wants to distance himself and it seems to be working for him (and your kids) then why are you all agitated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes. Husbands choice to pull back. Also his family.

Haven't seen inlaws since Oct of last year. He speaks to them more so on the phone.

Our children are adults so that kinda' made things easier.

I haven't seen my in-laws in four years. There was an incident at that time and my husband cut his dad off for what he said and did. His mom wasn't originally cut off but then she told everyone that my husband was the problem, not her husband, so now she is as well. Our kids are young but they understand that you don't get to treat people however you want just because they're family. My husband has uncovered a lot of trauma he suppressed from his childhood and we are all so much happier without them in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's weird is that it took therapy to "discover" his trauma is from his parents and the solution is to pull back completely.

There are lots of reasons to pull back from parents, but you typically are aware of them.

Either he was bizarrely clueless, or his therapist is pushing him into a more drastic step than necessary.

And this comes from someone who has limited involvement with his parents—I've known them for 44 years, needing some space from them wasn't a revelation...

I entirely agree. It dawned on me as a young teen that my parents weren't normal people. I had to suffer through the teen years with them, and didn't distance myself until I was 32-33, but believe me, OP, no therapist had to tell me that my original trauma was stress triggered by my parents! And my kids, growing up in a normal home, sensed their grandparents were off when they were very little, preschool to elementary.

So either this is manufactured, or your husband is pretty dumb.

People compartmentalize. I was sexually absused by one parent and the other abetted it. I knew but I didn't know. You may not get this if you haven't been traumatized yourself in this way, but it's not uncommon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Late January wasn't that long ago, of course your kids don't miss their grandparents. You don't need to see parents/grandparents often to have a good relationship with them, OP. A lot of families see grandparents infrequently, due to personal preference, being busy, or long distance. My parents and in-laws are in Europe. We see them once a year at most. It's fine!

That's before we get into questions of whether everyone likes each other and whether their behavior is stressful. BTW, "original trauma"? Unless you're really talking about serious abuse, I think that's a ridiculous wording. It's OK to just say that his parents demanding/critical/whatever they are, and accept that fewer contacts make your nuclear family feel a little less put-upon.

+1. We live far from both sets of parents. So see them both once per year.

[Anonymous]

OP it is not really your job to manage the relationship with his parents.
Women often fall into the relationship manager role by assuming responsibility for gifts, cards, holiday plans but that's not always good. Did you use to do that? Are you worried about not getting birthday cards or gifts, etc.? Just chill.
Let DH enjoy peace. He has a therapist. Let them deal with it. Don't make your "coping" or "role loss" anxieties or projection be his new problem.

[Anonymous]

My DH was not close to his parents. I had the bandwidth to not be triggered by them, so I maintained a polite relationship. They however left with a lot of mess for us to take care of.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy the peace and let it go. We have almost no relationship with my ILs. DH resents having to send them both money every month (he is divorced and didn't save enough for retirement), and he doesn't want to see or talk to them much. My kids barely notice. They have a close relationship with my parents because we get along, and they plan and cover family vacations with my siblings and their kids, and they stay with them from time to time when DH and I want to get away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enjoy the peace and let it go. We have almost no relationship with my ILs. DH resents having to send them both money every month (he is divorced and didn't save enough for retirement), and he doesn't want to see or talk to them much. My kids barely notice. They have a close relationship with my parents because we get along, and they plan and cover family vacations with my siblings and their kids, and they stay with them from time to time when DH and I want to get away.

*they are divorced.

[Anonymous]

I went through this, too. My husband ended up leaving, and later found out his parents blamed me. I literally had no part in it, it was all him saying they abused him and setting boundaries. It’s a shame. Be careful with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through this, too. My husband ended up leaving, and later found out his parents blamed me. I literally had no part in it, it was all him saying they abused him and setting boundaries. It’s a shame. Be careful with this.

Why? If my DH left me I literally could not care less what his parents think. It's permission to stop even trying to care about them!

[Anonymous]

Well, my DH started pulling back from his parents for a few years (along with a few others), and retreating inward. But then he blindsided me with moving out, and I discovered an affair. I've subsequently learned through therapists that he was cutting ties to his old life due to shame and guilt from the affair, and not wanting anyone to talk him out of affair.

So, not to alarm you, but just be wary of if he has any unexplained chunks of time or longer times at work, secrecy, hiding cell phone, etc. Check your detailed cell records occasionally to see if he's texting/calling anyone excessively.