Husband pulling back from parents and it’s awkward

[Anonymous]

DH discovered in therapy that his main source of stress and “original trauma” is/was his parents. He’s been gradually pulling back, and I’ve noticed a sort of calm envelop our home. It’s also really strange at the same time. We haven’t seen them since late January. I keep feeling like I should ask, will we ever see your parents again? but I know it’s not my place. Strangely, our kids don’t even seem to miss them. They haven’t even asked about them. Could they sense something was off with them, too? Something I chose to ignore? If I’m being honest, I’m loving the peace. But, it does feel so, so, strange.

Anyone else have this type of “relationship” with your parents or ILs? How do you manage these feelings? What is it like when you inevitably see them after these long breaks? I’m thinking it will feel so fake and forced once we finally do. How do you cope?

[Anonymous]

If you hve a functional, close relationship within your family of origin, it can feel odd to be a part of a more distant one with the in-laws.

But, embrace peace. Embrace the family you are creating. Follow your DH's lead.

Don't borrow trouble - anticipating it will be fake or forced. Just let it be what it is. When you see them again, let whatever happens happen. Be warm and welcoming, ignore anything underhanded (passive aggressive comments) and be in the moment. If you don't make it weird it won't be weird. Plenty of people go months without seeing family becuase of distance, life busyness, work, or just not needing/wanting anything closer.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy your peace and forget about the rest. It’s like you’re just looking for problems. Are you messy OP? Deep down inside do you like drama?

Anticipation of problems is not good. Focus on positivity like your husband becoming a better father and man. Kids doing well in school etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH discovered in therapy that his main source of stress and “original trauma” is/was his parents. He’s been gradually pulling back, and I’ve noticed a sort of calm envelop our home. It’s also really strange at the same time. We haven’t seen them since late January. I keep feeling like I should ask, will we ever see your parents again? but I know it’s not my place. Strangely, our kids don’t even seem to miss them. They haven’t even asked about them. Could they sense something was off with them, too? Something I chose to ignore? If I’m being honest, I’m loving the peace. But, it does feel so, so, strange.


I guess if you have a close relationship, wouldn’t you talk about how he’s feeling? Maybe not in the way you stated but a hey, how’s it going?
Anyone else have this type of “relationship” with your parents or ILs? How do you manage these feelings? What is it like when you inevitably see them after these long breaks? I’m thinking it will feel so fake and forced once we finally do. How do you cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH discovered in therapy that his main source of stress and “original trauma” is/was his parents. He’s been gradually pulling back, and I’ve noticed a sort of calm envelop our home. It’s also really strange at the same time. We haven’t seen them since late January. I keep feeling like I should ask, will we ever see your parents again? but I know it’s not my place. Strangely, our kids don’t even seem to miss them. They haven’t even asked about them. Could they sense something was off with them, too? Something I chose to ignore? If I’m being honest, I’m loving the peace. But, it does feel so, so, strange.


Anyone else have this type of “relationship” with your parents or ILs? How do you manage these feelings? What is it like when you inevitably see them after these long breaks? I’m thinking it will feel so fake and forced once we finally do. How do you cope?

Oops, that got messed up.
I guess if you have a close relationship, wouldn’t you talk about how he’s feeling? Maybe not in the way you stated but a hey, how’s it going?

[Anonymous]

Why do you care about seeing his parents? I'm not sure why you are involving yourself? Were you the one pushing this relationship on him and your kids even to a point where it was unhealthy?

I feel like parents should only be responsible for their own side of the family. You should make sure your kids see your own parents unless it's unhealthy. DH will do the same for his side.

[Anonymous]

What is there for you to cope with?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are still.hoping this can become a functional family so your kids can have a nice grandparent relationship. That's a nice idea but it might just not be in the cards. So try to disengage from that outcome. If the awkwardness is what's bothering you, accept that they chose for it to be awkward. And if you find this embarrassing in the eyes of others, you have to learn to deal. Basically work on yourself, your feelings, your expectations, and your desire to somehow fix what probably can't be fixed.

Sometimes parents like this need a really long break to understand that their adult child is serious about whatever the issue is.

[Anonymous]

Late January wasn't that long ago, of course your kids don't miss their grandparents. You don't need to see parents/grandparents often to have a good relationship with them, OP. A lot of families see grandparents infrequently, due to personal preference, being busy, or long distance. My parents and in-laws are in Europe. We see them once a year at most. It's fine!

That's before we get into questions of whether everyone likes each other and whether their behavior is stressful. BTW, "original trauma"? Unless you're really talking about serious abuse, I think that's a ridiculous wording. It's OK to just say that his parents demanding/critical/whatever they are, and accept that fewer contacts make your nuclear family feel a little less put-upon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH discovered in therapy that his main source of stress and “original trauma” is/was his parents. He’s been gradually pulling back, and I’ve noticed a sort of calm envelop our home. It’s also really strange at the same time. We haven’t seen them since late January. I keep feeling like I should ask, will we ever see your parents again? but I know it’s not my place. Strangely, our kids don’t even seem to miss them. They haven’t even asked about them. Could they sense something was off with them, too? Something I chose to ignore? If I’m being honest, I’m loving the peace. But, it does feel so, so, strange.

Anyone else have this type of “relationship” with your parents or ILs? How do you manage these feelings? What is it like when you inevitably see them after these long breaks? I’m thinking it will feel so fake and forced once we finally do. How do you cope?

You'll get used to it. Sounds like he was way over due to grow up. Congratulations on him setting boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Husbands choice to pull back. Also his family.

Haven't seen inlaws since Oct of last year. He speaks to them more so on the phone.

Our children are adults so that kinda' made things easier.

[Anonymous]

What's weird is that it took therapy to "discover" his trauma is from his parents and the solution is to pull back completely.

There are lots of reasons to pull back from parents, but you typically are aware of them.

Either he was bizarrely clueless, or his therapist is pushing him into a more drastic step than necessary.

And this comes from someone who has limited involvement with his parents—I've known them for 44 years, needing some space from them wasn't a revelation...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's weird is that it took therapy to "discover" his trauma is from his parents and the solution is to pull back completely.

There are lots of reasons to pull back from parents, but you typically are aware of them.

Either he was bizarrely clueless, or his therapist is pushing him into a more drastic step than necessary.

And this comes from someone who has limited involvement with his parents—I've known them for 44 years, needing some space from them wasn't a revelation...

I entirely agree. It dawned on me as a young teen that my parents weren't normal people. I had to suffer through the teen years with them, and didn't distance myself until I was 32-33, but believe me, OP, no therapist had to tell me that my original trauma was stress triggered by my parents! And my kids, growing up in a normal home, sensed their grandparents were off when they were very little, preschool to elementary.

So either this is manufactured, or your husband is pretty dumb.

[Anonymous]

Men often cope with compartmentalization , ignoring, and avoiding any reflection on the situation. I can totally see a guy not discovering this until his 40s.

[Anonymous]

It isn’t awkward. You are being ridiculous. Just enjoy the peace. You have nothing to “cope” with.

I barely see my dad because he is a massive jerk (although he has never shown this side in front of my kids). It is fine. Having lunch a few times a year doesn’t kill anyone. We all act perfectly normal when we see each other.