How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
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Anonymous
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Kids are driven toward anything they care about.
Also, the only (only) way you can influence them is .. Caring yourself about that thing. And then MAYBE they will care. It may also translate. Like I care about running. They may not care about running but they care about “I see you can take something you’re not good at, and gradually get better.” I like drawing more. So your drive can influence to be driven too. |
Anonymous
| Innate. Some kids are just more intense and want to do well. |
Anonymous
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That you chose to pose this question in the private school thread rather than in the general parenting thread says a lot about you.
There are plenty of public school kids who are plenty motivated and plenty of private school kids who are not. But one thing is definitely true when it comes to kids: motivation can’t be bought. |
Anonymous
That’s a weird and overly sensitive take. I would think OP posted in the private school thread because their kids attend private school… Everybody knows that there are driven and high achieving kids in all kinds of schools. |
Anonymous
| We have three kids and it’s like the three bears. One really struggles with motivation, one is a stressed overachiever and one does fine but never stresses out and would never consider doing extra work for a half grade improvement. Pretty sure we raised than the same way. Just nature, imho, |
Anonymous
Right. And by posting here OP is basically suggesting that somehow private school kids are unique and different when it comes to how to motivate them when in fact they’re not. It’s the parents who are different. That’s part of my point. Perhaps OP’s kid is less motivated — at least on the surface — because they’re rebelling against or passive aggressively resisting pressure, which almost by definition is generally more intense among private school parents than public school ones. |
Anonymous
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I HIGHLY recommend the book “ the Self Driven Child” by Dr . Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson, both of whom happen to be in the DMV area.
https://a.co/d/9gTFCzr The main premise of the book is that you should let your child make their own decisions ( within reason) and not to micromanage your child. |
Anonymous
| It's intrinsic motivation. At least in the case of my kids. I feel like my oldest is partially peer group situation as well. She is okay with doing the bare minimum. Unfortunately we are at a small school and can't switch, so there aren't many options. |
Anonymous
Speaking as a teacher who is not a parent, you are on to something important here - modeling. Teachers use classroom lesson plans for most of our instruction, which may or may not engage and motivate a student. But we also model good behaviors, study habits, professional conduct, etc. I don't teach a subject unless I genuinely care about the lesson I am trying to impart to them, so they have a reason to care about it too. Sometimes that's enough to get an indifferent kid off the fence. If a kid sees you caring about what you do and achieving things (without a manic drive to KILL IT all the time), they may pick up on that. |
Anonymous
You know I parent a lot like that book recommends, and I have one kid who is very easy going but hard working, and one who is incredibly self driven. And I kinda thought it was a product of my parenting choices. My younger sibling raises their kids in a much more intense, parent driven fashion. Some might say "micromanaging", but I'll use more neutral words. Their kids? One is very easy going and hard working, and one is the only kid I know as self driven as my youngest. So, now? I'd say I have no idea if the concepts in the book make a difference. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Give me a break. You just want to believe that your kid is naturally intelligent. You don't realize how much of an influence you are having on your kid. |
Anonymous
The question isn’t about intelligence, it’s about intrinsic motivation. And yes, modeling is great. But a parent cannot force motivation on their child. |
Anonymous
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Being unmotivated is not a characters flaw. If you're concerned your kid doesn't seem motivated then look up Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Where's the deficit? Is your kid lacking self-esteem? Sense of belonging?
Also, be careful how you're envisioning what "motivation" looks like. Not all top students are actually emotionally and cognitively engaged. They are robots. |
Anonymous
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I’m going to slightly disagree. I went through a particularly tough childhood emotionally with parents who were not particularly supportive. It’s one thing to let kids make their own decisions, but parents have to support those decisions morally and logistically where needed. I think that parental support of decisions have about 50% to do with it.
As an example: In high school, I wanted to join the crew team, and basically, my father said, “great, you can get yourself there from school and back home on the bus.” The problem was, we lived in a very suburban neighborhood with very poor bus coverage. They had a bus from the school to the practice location about 3 miles away but then it was 7 miles back to my house (you would pass the school), and I would have to switch buses twice to get home - and the buses were not reliable. This is all to say, I had to quit the team before I really got started and shut off that part of myself. This didn’t happen just then but over and over with choir, debate, science fair, and swim team, among others. Saying drive is innate means that you have nothing to do with it. You do, but after the kid makes the decision, not before. But you also provide accountability - so they think carefully about what they want. The kid decides and then you support and hold them to it for at least a few months. |