40 year old brother having woes finding his partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to shoot for someone slightly below his attractiveness level.

This kind of guy does the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to go to a dating coach and maybe use a matchmaker. It can be hard to meet people these days and maybe he lacks confidence.

I worked with a matchmaker. For about two years

From the woman side (i was in the dating pool). After I finally chose someone, and went on a date the lady asked me rate her three minutes after I said good bye to my date — at the metro a few blocks from the restaurant ! It was weird

it was such a turn off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to go to a dating coach and maybe use a matchmaker. It can be hard to meet people these days and maybe he lacks confidence.

I worked with a matchmaker. For about two years

From the woman side (i was in the dating pool). After I finally chose someone, and went on a date the lady asked me rate her three minutes after I said good bye to my date — at the metro a few blocks from the restaurant ! It was weird

it was such a turn off

Sounds like a bad matchmaker. There are good ones out there, but of course you will pay for that. Still worth looking into in my opinion

[Anonymous]

As a sibling, you're in the position of giving honest feedback, and you should if you want your brother to improve in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is he offering OP? Is he fun? Kind? Enjoyable to be around? It doesn’t sound likely that he’ll “figure it out eventually “ — without some idea re: where things are getting stuck. Is he a “sad” or overly self-focused date? Does he have hobbies or interests that potential partners might share? Is he reaching out for improbable partners? Does he actually want help with this?

All of this. My MIL often laments that my BIL can't "find someone." The truth is he is difficult, and brings very little to the table. He is in his 40s but still lives in a tiny, unattractive 1 bedroom apartment, even though property is inexpensive where he lives and he could easily afford a mortgage in his income. He is stubborn and arrogant and argumentative. My MIL seems to think he just needs a woman to come along and fix all these things for him, to make his home nicer and encourage him to buy a home and soften all his rough edges.

What woman would do that?? Why?? She would have to bring all the skills and benefits to the relationship. What a hassle. He's had GFs but things go south because he's all taken.

You need to have something to offer. You can't sit around waiting for someone to come along and fix your life for you.

Are you the OP talking about your brother?
He sounds like a d***. I bet he is having trouble finding a partner.
Does he have any clue why?

[Anonymous]

My younger brother, age 45, has never had a long-term relationship even though he has a good job and a large home in a suburb. He's very self-centered, frankly not that good-looking (quite overweight), but thinks he is God's gift and looks to date sexy 20-somethings. Not going to happen. He is lonely but it's just not something I can address without hurting his feelings. He's in therapy--so far without results, as far as I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who talks about being "friend zoned" is undateable.

This.

Women are allowed to interact socially with men for non-romantic/sexual reasons. They aren’t wronging him by limiting their relationship to a platonic one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to shoot for someone slightly below his attractiveness level.

I suspect this is my late 40s brother's problem. He's going after 8s and 9s when I suspect he and I are both 6s at best.

He does well in some areas of his life but not enough to offset his deficits and I don't mean just in looks.

But he won't want to hear that from me. Won't listen, be offended etc. We don’t have that kind of relationship

[Anonymous]

You need to fly his ass to Warsaw for the summer.

[Anonymous]

Q: "My brother is 40 and having trouble finding a woman to be with."

A: "He is a disgusting person and fortunately no one will ever love him."

Truly, DCUM is a place where the archetypical wealthy compassionate liberal lives.

Anyway, this is not bad advice:

Anonymous wrote:You need to fly his ass to Warsaw for the summer.

Things aren't working where he is now, maybe a change of scene allowing him to reinvent himself might. This might even be socially - join a church, volunteer with a big-ish organization, or both. Even if animal rescue/feeding the homeless/volunteer firefighter doesn't necessarily lead to relationships with people he meets there, it signals community, buffs social skills, and at least gives him something to talk about on dates.

Is he amenable to advice about manner/dress, and do you have good advice to give him? Does he, from the outside, look like he can provide a stable life? I am loathe to say this, but sometimes buying a house and a slightly fancier (or at least less "I'm single and carefree") car is a worthwhile investment, matrimonially speaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to fly his ass to Warsaw for the summer.

What does this mean?

[Anonymous]

Here’s my take on any single guy who’s having toeuble.

In no particular order, like here is a list and it can all happen at the same time in whatever order he finds best.

Therapy
Relaxed attitude about life (therapy)
Do chores. Like be doing something. You could be pressure washing something. You could be building. You could be taking care of your car (interior clean, exterior clean). Regularly take care of your stuff and life.
Go on challenging adventures, but don’t get into ones that women cannot do alongside you. (You can do that sure but it’s not directly helping your issue)
Have a good attitude when things go bad.
Smile. Have a hobby that makes you smile.

I think that’s almost it.

I’m married and happy. Though I 110% plan to stay with my husband I would look twice at a guy with the above.

It’s not money. (It’s stress)
It’s not money (it’s having the ability to take care of your life)

So it is money as much as the money stops you from stressing, allows you to do the above (therapy, adventures, hobby, chores).

[Anonymous]

Me again^ If I were single.. If a relaxed guy came along who knows how to handle his stuff (the relaxed is important because you could swing the other direction with taking care of stuff and get obsessed and ocd and annoying), and he wants to hang out.. and he’s stays calm when things go sideways .. and he wants to do anything to me (marry me, sex, babies), he will know exactly what I want, he’ll make it happen, and I would do it often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who talks about being "friend zoned" is undateable.

Especially after age 21.

Sounds like he is immature and probably trying to either date younger women or above his attractiveness.

Has he tried dating average to below average looking late 30s / early 40s women who really want to get married and start a family immediately? Because that's his demographic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who talks about being "friend zoned" is undateable.

This.

Women are allowed to interact socially with men for non-romantic/sexual reasons. They aren’t wronging him by limiting their relationship to a platonic one.

I don’t agree with the criticism of this term. It’s just a way to explain that he may have romantic interest in people he’s gotten to know, but they only want to stay friends with him and not make it something romantic. I don’t think it’s deeper than that.

OP, maybe you can answer everybody’s questions about what exactly your brother is like and what you think. His issues are. Is he an overweight slob? Is he a mansplaining misogynist? Does he dress like a dork? Does he try to punch above his weight if he has hobbies, that’s where he should try to meet somebody. He should also make sure he’s in at least decent shape and has some fresh wardrobe options instead of the same tan chinos he’s been wearing since 2007.