Pouting, sulking, silent treatment

[Anonymous]

What is your reaction when you find out it's because he didn't like the breakfast or it's how you said hello? How are you finding out the reasons? Are you trying to draw him out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's manipulating you and doing it because he's getting what he wants/a reaction. It's not great that he is capable of doing this as it's emotionally abusive and dysfunctional. I think that's where a therapist comes in.

Two of your stories are situations where you don't need to be present...a field trip and a 10 year old birthday party. I would try to really just dis-engage and pull back from anything other than basic needs and see what happens. Stop telling him to stop or talking about it at all. Why are you even finding out the reason hours later? Are you probing? Who cares. If he sulks and is silent, his loss. Carry on with your life and ignore him.

OP here, and I appreciate this advice. But what do I do in the moment? He absolutely looks like a brat for sitting things out or moping along when it’s unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What is your reaction when you find out it's because he didn't like the breakfast or it's how you said hello? How are you finding out the reasons? Are you trying to draw him out?

I’ll usually ask him: “What made you so upset?” or “Larlo’s mom asked if everything was fine because you sulked for half the party.”

Is that too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems like something to address with a mental health professional. Even if there's not a diagnosis, a psychiatrist or counselor can explain why it's a problem and be someone other than you doing it.

But I would really be wondering if there's an underlying issue that needs therapy.

+1. It seems like extreme behavior. Do you or your spouse give the silent treatment to people? Do you have other kids, do they act this way?

+1. This is usually learned behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just to clear the air, he has absolutely zero signs of autism or adhd. None as a baby, toddler, or now. I’m not saying he doesn’t need counseling or therapy…but I’ve been around children long enough to know that those two diagnosis aren’t the problem

And that just goes to demonstrate that you know nothing about it, OP. I was the one who suggested autism. My adult son has autism. You'd never know it. My friend's daughter has autism - she can be very social and charming. She can also be absolutely horrid to her own family, very much in the same vein as your child, except she's now 18. I'm not saying your child definitely has that diagnosis! I'm just saying: NEVER assume. You are not the professional. A lot of mental health disorders don't present in certain people the way they're portrayed in the general media. Your child could also have something completely different.

This bears repeating... never make the mistake of thinking you know better than the psychologist. Too many parents have missed their chance at diagnosis that way.

[Anonymous]

Stop validating his petulance otherwise he will grow up to be a petty a-hole because he's being a petty little a-hole now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's manipulating you and doing it because he's getting what he wants/a reaction. It's not great that he is capable of doing this as it's emotionally abusive and dysfunctional. I think that's where a therapist comes in.

Two of your stories are situations where you don't need to be present...a field trip and a 10 year old birthday party. I would try to really just dis-engage and pull back from anything other than basic needs and see what happens. Stop telling him to stop or talking about it at all. Why are you even finding out the reason hours later? Are you probing? Who cares. If he sulks and is silent, his loss. Carry on with your life and ignore him.

OP here, and I appreciate this advice. But what do I do in the moment? He absolutely looks like a brat for sitting things out or moping along when it’s unnecessary.

NP. Why can't you take him home if at an event. Explain to the host that you have to leave and be done with it. He can sit in his room the rest of the day. Same with sulking at the park with grandma, she should have just left and went back home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's manipulating you and doing it because he's getting what he wants/a reaction. It's not great that he is capable of doing this as it's emotionally abusive and dysfunctional. I think that's where a therapist comes in.

Two of your stories are situations where you don't need to be present...a field trip and a 10 year old birthday party. I would try to really just dis-engage and pull back from anything other than basic needs and see what happens. Stop telling him to stop or talking about it at all. Why are you even finding out the reason hours later? Are you probing? Who cares. If he sulks and is silent, his loss. Carry on with your life and ignore him.

OP here, and I appreciate this advice. But what do I do in the moment? He absolutely looks like a brat for sitting things out or moping along when it’s unnecessary.

Here's what I would do:

1) In the moment - pull him aside and say that he needs to stop pouting. Then ignore him completely if he keeps it up (i.e., don't make a scene or feed his need for attention); then
2) after the event, speak to him one-on-one. Like an upthread PP advised, describe the bad behavior in clear, neutral terms. Explain why it's a problem, why it doesn't meet your standards of behavior, and that you expect him to behave better in the future. You can put in some language here about what he *should* do if something upsets him - come to you at the time, take a break to cool off, whatever; then
3) next time you're leaving the house remind him that you expect him to participate/not shut down/not pout. Quick reminder of the options he has in his tool belt for when things don't go his way; and now, the most important part:
4) if he does it again after the reminder, you leave. And the next time there's somewhere he wants to be, you don't go. And you tell him you're not going because he hasn't demonstrated he can meet your behavioral standards.

You shouldn't have to work through this list more than twice. And maybe it seems harsh, but he's 10, and you've expressly stated that he doesn't have any underlying diagnoses that are fueling this behavior. We dealt with my daughter overreacting to things not going her way when she was 5ish, and it was a slog but it was worth it, because now she knows what we expect from her and she meets those expectations.

Also if the pulling aside in #1 works, and he actually straightens up on that outing, then I would acknowledge it and thank him after the event. Give attention to the behavior you want to encourage, not the behavior you're trying to eradicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's manipulating you and doing it because he's getting what he wants/a reaction. It's not great that he is capable of doing this as it's emotionally abusive and dysfunctional. I think that's where a therapist comes in.

Two of your stories are situations where you don't need to be present...a field trip and a 10 year old birthday party. I would try to really just dis-engage and pull back from anything other than basic needs and see what happens. Stop telling him to stop or talking about it at all. Why are you even finding out the reason hours later? Are you probing? Who cares. If he sulks and is silent, his loss. Carry on with your life and ignore him.

OP here, and I appreciate this advice. But what do I do in the moment? He absolutely looks like a brat for sitting things out or moping along when it’s unnecessary.

I would probably remove him and take him home. My kids when younger would sometimes make a scene (not quite the same as this but not different because he is behaving badly and impacting others) and with each of them it took one time of we're done here let's go home and they stopped doing it. All delivered very matter of factly and without emotion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What is your reaction when you find out it's because he didn't like the breakfast or it's how you said hello? How are you finding out the reasons? Are you trying to draw him out?

I’ll usually ask him: “What made you so upset?” or “Larlo’s mom asked if everything was fine because you sulked for half the party.”

Is that too much?

Given the pattern, yes I do think it's too much. I get it because you're a mom and these are normal questions to ask.

I would tell grandma and Larlo's mom and others to call you if he is doing it and then go pick him up or he's brought home.

[Anonymous]

One thing I would consider is whether these trivial reasons he gives (such as saying hello the wrong way) are actually real. There is a good chance he does not know why he is upset and is providing an excuse, so digging into the "why" may not be helpful.
I would try to keep track of when he has those bad moods and see if there is another trigger. But I would also have talks with him (when he is in a good mood) about how his feelings are not other people's problem to solve. He can feel his feelings, but he can't take them out on other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's manipulating you and doing it because he's getting what he wants/a reaction. It's not great that he is capable of doing this as it's emotionally abusive and dysfunctional. I think that's where a therapist comes in.

Two of your stories are situations where you don't need to be present...a field trip and a 10 year old birthday party. I would try to really just dis-engage and pull back from anything other than basic needs and see what happens. Stop telling him to stop or talking about it at all. Why are you even finding out the reason hours later? Are you probing? Who cares. If he sulks and is silent, his loss. Carry on with your life and ignore him.

OP here, and I appreciate this advice. But what do I do in the moment? He absolutely looks like a brat for sitting things out or moping along when it’s unnecessary.

Here's what I would do:

1) In the moment - pull him aside and say that he needs to stop pouting. Then ignore him completely if he keeps it up (i.e., don't make a scene or feed his need for attention); then
2) after the event, speak to him one-on-one. Like an upthread PP advised, describe the bad behavior in clear, neutral terms. Explain why it's a problem, why it doesn't meet your standards of behavior, and that you expect him to behave better in the future. You can put in some language here about what he *should* do if something upsets him - come to you at the time, take a break to cool off, whatever; then
3) next time you're leaving the house remind him that you expect him to participate/not shut down/not pout. Quick reminder of the options he has in his tool belt for when things don't go his way; and now, the most important part:
4) if he does it again after the reminder, you leave. And the next time there's somewhere he wants to be, you don't go. And you tell him you're not going because he hasn't demonstrated he can meet your behavioral standards.

You shouldn't have to work through this list more than twice. And maybe it seems harsh, but he's 10, and you've expressly stated that he doesn't have any underlying diagnoses that are fueling this behavior. We dealt with my daughter overreacting to things not going her way when she was 5ish, and it was a slog but it was worth it, because now she knows what we expect from her and she meets those expectations.

Also if the pulling aside in #1 works, and he actually straightens up on that outing, then I would acknowledge it and thank him after the event. Give attention to the behavior you want to encourage, not the behavior you're trying to eradicate.

This is good advice. I would be clear in #2 that his behavior is impacting others and is rude and disrespectful to people who have organized events and off putting to peers. I would further explain that his peers will ultimately not want to be around him and not want to be friends with him based on this behavior. I don't know what you've explained previously. Maybe you've said all this. Be very specific and practical. I don't think this is mean. Tell him the truth. No one else will. I think parents can sometimes be too vague.

[Anonymous]

If his reasons for the negative behavior always circle back to you, you need to both be in therapy together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just to clear the air, he has absolutely zero signs of autism or adhd. None as a baby, toddler, or now. I’m not saying he doesn’t need counseling or therapy…but I’ve been around children long enough to know that those two diagnosis aren’t the problem

NP.

I am sorry you are going through this op. You’ve ruled out these causes. But have you considered the possibility your child is expressing dissatisfaction with their arbitrarily-assigned gender? Have you ever asked them directly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just to clear the air, he has absolutely zero signs of autism or adhd. None as a baby, toddler, or now. I’m not saying he doesn’t need counseling or therapy…but I’ve been around children long enough to know that those two diagnosis aren’t the problem

NP.

I am sorry you are going through this op. You’ve ruled out these causes. But have you considered the possibility your child is expressing dissatisfaction with their arbitrarily-assigned gender? Have you ever asked them directly?

Stop trolling.