15 YO Aud/ADHD son is so rude

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so hard to deal with. My son does very well at school and requires no intervention for him to stay on task, so that’s my one easy thing.

Other than that, he is rude and combative with me and DH. He is actually nice to his younger siblings, we just seem to get the brunt of his moods.

When he gets in the car for school pick up and drop off he refuses to talk to us. He then spends the rest of the evening in his room or outside. He does do his chores but only after the threat of losing his phone. He basically only says “leave me alone,” “shut my door” to us.

He is so unpleasant. Any helpful advice to deal with this?

He knows that he can do what he wants to do, say, or act with you and that you will put up with his rude behavior. You have allowed him to ride roughshod over you with no consequences. ADHD is not an excuse for rude behavior. If he can behave in school then he can behave at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

Many specialists will also tell you to teach your 15 yr/old how to identify when they are maxed out (this is a skill that doesn't come magically to all people with ASD/ADHD) and how to appropriately ask for space (scripts to practice).

"Mom I'm tired. I need some space."
"My day was fine. Can we talk later?"
"I'm pissed off about something right now. I'll be in my room. [Leaves.]"
Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like getting through the day is hard and his tank is just empty by the end of school. He doesn’t need or want additional social interaction at home.

This! It takes so much energy for my ADHD son to get through the day and hold it together. He is comfortable at home to let out his emotions after a long day of holding it together.

[Anonymous]

I'd also consider re-thinking his current school environment. If it takes this much for him to hold himself together at school that he falls apart at home when he feels safe, it may be a sign that this particular school isn't meeting his needs.

The post school meltdown was a big sign for us to switch schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd also consider re-thinking his current school environment. If it takes this much for him to hold himself together at school that he falls apart at home when he feels safe, it may be a sign that this particular school isn't meeting his needs.

The post school meltdown was a big sign for us to switch schools.

at most OP is describing a cranky and rude teen. I’m not sure where everyone is getting that he is so disregulated that he needs to be pulled from school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

Many specialists will also tell you to teach your 15 yr/old how to identify when they are maxed out (this is a skill that doesn't come magically to all people with ASD/ADHD) and how to appropriately ask for space (scripts to practice).

"Mom I'm tired. I need some space."
"My day was fine. Can we talk later?"
"I'm pissed off about something right now. I'll be in my room. [Leaves.]"
Etc.

This is good!

[Anonymous]

I think this completely normal. From what I read, it is expected that they keep up their chores, homework and what is acceptable behavior. You are to ignore anything that is obnoxious, but if it crosses what you consider to be the line, then you hold your boundary.

Get creative with how you communicate: a note on the table of what he needs to do by a specific time? A text to say, “hey I know you are tired, but rest and the come say hi” etc. responding verbally can be really texting when you’re completely empty. Give him time to reset, eat etc

Also, I would not take this as a sign you need to switch schools. My child is a little younger and at a small school with lots of outdoor time and still comes home this way at the end of the day. He’s an introvert and he’s just 100% spent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this completely normal. From what I read, it is expected that they keep up their chores, homework and what is acceptable behavior. You are to ignore anything that is obnoxious, but if it crosses what you consider to be the line, then you hold your boundary.

Get creative with how you communicate: a note on the table of what he needs to do by a specific time? A text to say, “hey I know you are tired, but rest and the come say hi” etc. responding verbally can be really texting when you’re completely empty. Give him time to reset, eat etc

Also, I would not take this as a sign you need to switch schools. My child is a little younger and at a small school with lots of outdoor time and still comes home this way at the end of the day. He’s an introvert and he’s just 100% spent

**can be really taxing not texting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

No competent specialist will say to allow a teen to get out of chores or basic politeness.

This is true of neurotypical people. Not true of autism.

I cut demands early on. This allowed a rebalancing.

My oldest is an accomplished college athlete. My middle is pursuing an advanced degree and the youngest is a bit of both.

None of them would have had the spoons to make it through high performance tasks if they also had to do non preferred tasks or were expected to socialize like a neurotypical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that his tank is probably low when he gets home, but it’s still unacceptable to be rude to adults. When he’s in a good mood, sit down with him and explain what you have noticed and what you want him to do instead. He can be expected to say hi. That’s not unreasonable. If you want this, make it clear. I’d make a short list of rules in writing and give him a copy. He can get his own snack. If the chores aren’t done by whatever time you said, take the phone. Predetermine this. Nagging him just fuels the fire. He can set an alert on his phone for a time warning.

If he’s continually rude, and you are sure you are giving him time to decompress and aren’t in his face all the time, then there are consequences. You can take the door off his room, you can keep the phone and give him a flip phone, etc.

You have to determine what is driving his behavior and give him other outlets for it. Does he need a therapist? Ask him what he is thinking and feeling when he acts like this. He may respond better to you in writing than verbally. See a family therapist for a few sessions.

It’s not helpful for parents of non-ASD kids to give advice, no matter how well-meaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

Many specialists will also tell you to teach your 15 yr/old how to identify when they are maxed out (this is a skill that doesn't come magically to all people with ASD/ADHD) and how to appropriately ask for space (scripts to practice).

"Mom I'm tired. I need some space."
"My day was fine. Can we talk later?"
"I'm pissed off about something right now. I'll be in my room. [Leaves.]"
Etc.

That is A LOT to expect of a 15 year old with ASD. Many parents have expectations that are unreasonable and then get upset when their kids can’t meet them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

No competent specialist will say to allow a teen to get out of chores or basic politeness.

This is true of neurotypical people. Not true of autism.

I cut demands early on. This allowed a rebalancing.

My oldest is an accomplished college athlete. My middle is pursuing an advanced degree and the youngest is a bit of both.

None of them would have had the spoons to make it through high performance tasks if they also had to do non preferred tasks or were expected to socialize like a neurotypical.

I value being a kind considerate human over being an athlete or being a super student. I wouldn’t let my kids get away with terrible behavior so they can be on a sports team. Good luck to their future spouses….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Specialists will tell you to drop demands at home. As another pp said, school is maxing him out. I hope a specialist, or a friend, would also tell you to count your lucky stars that you’re dealing with relatively normal teenage behavior.

No competent specialist will say to allow a teen to get out of chores or basic politeness.

This is true of neurotypical people. Not true of autism.

I cut demands early on. This allowed a rebalancing.

My oldest is an accomplished college athlete. My middle is pursuing an advanced degree and the youngest is a bit of both.

None of them would have had the spoons to make it through high performance tasks if they also had to do non preferred tasks or were expected to socialize like a neurotypical.

I value being a kind considerate human over being an athlete or being a super student. I wouldn’t let my kids get away with terrible behavior so they can be on a sports team. Good luck to their future spouses….

NP. There is a huge difference between not being social and terrible behavior. OP might have to accept her kid needs more space than she expects and teach him how to do for space politely. Teaching my AuDHD teen to say no politely to requests hasn’t been easy but is paying off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take the phone, he earns it back when behavior improves. Don’t use disability as an excuse.

He sounds like a typical teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like getting through the day is hard and his tank is just empty by the end of school. He doesn’t need or want additional social interaction at home.

This and it’s pretty much the same with any teen boy. But one with struggles who is probably overstimulated and works hard to stay on task. Needs to destress. Maybe if you didn’t expect talking/socialization so much he would come down more later?

But after school ir sports, my kids are holed up in their room for easily 1-2 hours.