Reunification/family therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those professionals are not real

divorce attorneys are the worst too

I really resent statements like this. Do you think being a divorce attorney is fun? It's so difficult to get clients to be realistic and focus on the kids. Lots of attorneys burn out. And what would you do if there weren't any divorce attorneys left?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those professionals are not real

divorce attorneys are the worst too

I really resent statements like this. Do you think being a divorce attorney is fun? It's so difficult to get clients to be realistic and focus on the kids. Lots of attorneys burn out. And what would you do if there weren't any divorce attorneys left?

I could never be a divorce attorney - it is so hard. I don't know how people do it. They are dealing with the most personal, painful, and precious parts of people's lives and that is so tough. I appreciate those attorneys who do go into family law, and I fully understand why there is so much burnout.

I think the issue though with family court in general is how broken it has become in so many ways and the lack of understanding and training about domestic violence when it comes to emotional abuse/psychological abuse/narcissistic abuse/coercive control. That type of abuse is very real, extremely damaging to children and adults, and almost entirely misunderstood in family court. Family court is a personality-disordered abuser's playground. Coupled with the fact that family courts across the country are simply over-burdened and it has become a terrible recipe.
There needs to be a real overhaul of the family court system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those professionals are not real

divorce attorneys are the worst too

I really resent statements like this. Do you think being a divorce attorney is fun? It's so difficult to get clients to be realistic and focus on the kids. Lots of attorneys burn out. And what would you do if there weren't any divorce attorneys left?

I could never be a divorce attorney - it is so hard. I don't know how people do it. They are dealing with the most personal, painful, and precious parts of people's lives and that is so tough. I appreciate those attorneys who do go into family law, and I fully understand why there is so much burnout.

I think the issue though with family court in general is how broken it has become in so many ways and the lack of understanding and training about domestic violence when it comes to emotional abuse/psychological abuse/narcissistic abuse/coercive control. That type of abuse is very real, extremely damaging to children and adults, and almost entirely misunderstood in family court. Family court is a personality-disordered abuser's playground. Coupled with the fact that family courts across the country are simply over-burdened and it has become a terrible recipe.
There needs to be a real overhaul of the family court system.

Agreed. That’s why ex wants to do everything in court and I want to settle out of court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op just text the dad that you will drop them off Friday and pick them up Sunday. They can handle it. They will not be traumatized unless you make it traumatic. Save yourself lots of attorney fees and hassle. We get it, he’s a jerk. He treated you poorly. None of that matters. Just move forward and move on.

And what if the kids don't want to go? They are old enough to refuse.

they have to go. the court will eventually make them. just like they have to go to school. you're really only going to drag out the inevitable and could end up jeapordizing your own custody and make it much tougher for them in the long run. j

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op just text the dad that you will drop them off Friday and pick them up Sunday. They can handle it. They will not be traumatized unless you make it traumatic. Save yourself lots of attorney fees and hassle. We get it, he’s a jerk. He treated you poorly. None of that matters. Just move forward and move on.

And what if the kids don't want to go? They are old enough to refuse.

they have to go. the court will eventually make them. just like they have to go to school. you're really only going to drag out the inevitable and could end up jeapordizing your own custody and make it much tougher for them in the long run. j

In theory yes but in practice no, I know from my own childhood experience that if a kid really digs their heals in there's not much the courts can do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op just text the dad that you will drop them off Friday and pick them up Sunday. They can handle it. They will not be traumatized unless you make it traumatic. Save yourself lots of attorney fees and hassle. We get it, he’s a jerk. He treated you poorly. None of that matters. Just move forward and move on.

And what if the kids don't want to go? They are old enough to refuse.

they have to go. the court will eventually make them. just like they have to go to school. you're really only going to drag out the inevitable and could end up jeapordizing your own custody and make it much tougher for them in the long run. j

No they don't. Mom can keep refusing and you can go back to court and all the courts do is say send the kids. The courts don't care and aren't going to change custody. All they care about is if child support is being paid.

This is terrible advice and will likely cause the mom to lose custody entirely. If you think the dad won’t be thrilled to take full custody and stop paying the mom you are a fool. Don’t play with fire op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those professionals are not real

divorce attorneys are the worst too

I really resent statements like this. Do you think being a divorce attorney is fun? It's so difficult to get clients to be realistic and focus on the kids. Lots of attorneys burn out. And what would you do if there weren't any divorce attorneys left?

I could never be a divorce attorney - it is so hard. I don't know how people do it. They are dealing with the most personal, painful, and precious parts of people's lives and that is so tough. I appreciate those attorneys who do go into family law, and I fully understand why there is so much burnout.

I think the issue though with family court in general is how broken it has become in so many ways and the lack of understanding and training about domestic violence when it comes to emotional abuse/psychological abuse/narcissistic abuse/coercive control. That type of abuse is very real, extremely damaging to children and adults, and almost entirely misunderstood in family court. Family court is a personality-disordered abuser's playground. Coupled with the fact that family courts across the country are simply over-burdened and it has become a terrible recipe.
There needs to be a real overhaul of the family court system.

The ones I know are sadistic. You should hear them gossip about their clients at the community pool!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those professionals are not real

divorce attorneys are the worst too

I really resent statements like this. Do you think being a divorce attorney is fun? It's so difficult to get clients to be realistic and focus on the kids. Lots of attorneys burn out. And what would you do if there weren't any divorce attorneys left?

Divorce attorneys take a clients worst case scenario, validate their worst and emotional perspective— then write it all down and present it to the other side … basically escalating every argument and disagreement. After they are done the (necessary) parent relationships are badly damaged. Some people can bounce back from working with attorneys —but many people are scarred on both sides. They often also instruct you not to talk openly with the other parent, with no guidelines.

Most people need good friends and advisors. Those people are free and do not have incentive to increase their bill every time you run to them.

[Anonymous]

The best thing you can do is
don’t “believe” every nasty thing the attorney writes about you in their threatening email.

For most people:
You are a good parent. Your partner once loved you. It’s painful to be rejected but you are not alone. Your kids love you. You are going through a rough patch — and very probably need to separate for a few weeks and not see each other until you can get your break up feelings under control.

For most people:
Seek new tools and support systems. People who can nurture you while your family falls apart for a short while (it’s temporary!)….And once you come to terms with the fact that your family to be put back together differently and won’t look or feel the same, then start to rebuild with a new structure. Remember that your family will survive and thrive and you will always have the other parent in your life. You can still raise your children to be optimists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is
don’t “believe” every nasty thing the attorney writes about you in their threatening email.

For most people:
You are a good parent. Your partner once loved you. It’s painful to be rejected but you are not alone. Your kids love you. You are going through a rough patch — and very probably need to separate for a few weeks and not see each other until you can get your break up feelings under control.

For most people:
Seek new tools and support systems. People who can nurture you while your family falls apart for a short while (it’s temporary!)….And once you come to terms with the fact that your family to be put back together differently and won’t look or feel the same, then start to rebuild with a new structure. Remember that your family will survive and thrive and you will always have the other parent in your life. You can still raise your children to be optimists.

This is such good advice. I am glad my kids therapist steered us towards an amicable divorce in the heat of the anger and pain of the loss and betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is
don’t “believe” every nasty thing the attorney writes about you in their threatening email.

For most people:
You are a good parent. Your partner once loved you. It’s painful to be rejected but you are not alone. Your kids love you. You are going through a rough patch — and very probably need to separate for a few weeks and not see each other until you can get your break up feelings under control.

For most people:
Seek new tools and support systems. People who can nurture you while your family falls apart for a short while (it’s temporary!)….And once you come to terms with the fact that your family to be put back together differently and won’t look or feel the same, then start to rebuild with a new structure. Remember that your family will survive and thrive and you will always have the other parent in your life. You can still raise your children to be optimists.

This is such good advice. I am glad my kids therapist steered us towards an amicable divorce in the heat of the anger and pain of the loss and betrayal.

Amicable divorce is unfortunately impossible when a personality-disordered high conflict abusive individual is involved.

[Anonymous]

The best thing is for the kids to have a relationship with their father OP, unless he has been abusive toward them. While they can have lots of anger about how horribly he handled the situation - he is still their father. Sounds like the father is reaching out to you to help recreate the connection. Has he apologized to how this was handled? Does he know this is why the kids are unwilling to reconnect. It would be helpful for the kids to see people apologize when they make mistakes and those are accepted. You don’t want them to think if they may a mistake you may discard them too. So, for their benefit in the long term suggest you keep your feelings about adult things to yourself and try to facilitate a healthy relationship for the kids and co- parent. - signed child when parents treated their parents like pawns and made it difficult to have trusting relationships later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best thing is for the kids to have a relationship with their father OP, unless he has been abusive toward them. While they can have lots of anger about how horribly he handled the situation - he is still their father. Sounds like the father is reaching out to you to help recreate the connection. Has he apologized to how this was handled? Does he know this is why the kids are unwilling to reconnect. It would be helpful for the kids to see people apologize when they make mistakes and those are accepted. You don’t want them to think if they may a mistake you may discard them too. So, for their benefit in the long term suggest you keep your feelings about adult things to yourself and try to facilitate a healthy relationship for the kids and co- parent. - signed child when parents treated their parents like pawns and made it difficult to have trusting relationships later

Please go back and carefully re-read OP's responses in this thread. The sheer number of back takes in this thread is unreal. Also, the projecting in the response above is inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing is for the kids to have a relationship with their father OP, unless he has been abusive toward them. While they can have lots of anger about how horribly he handled the situation - he is still their father. Sounds like the father is reaching out to you to help recreate the connection. Has he apologized to how this was handled? Does he know this is why the kids are unwilling to reconnect. It would be helpful for the kids to see people apologize when they make mistakes and those are accepted. You don’t want them to think if they may a mistake you may discard them too. So, for their benefit in the long term suggest you keep your feelings about adult things to yourself and try to facilitate a healthy relationship for the kids and co- parent. - signed child when parents treated their parents like pawns and made it difficult to have trusting relationships later

Please go back and carefully re-read OP's responses in this thread. The sheer number of back takes in this thread is unreal. Also, the projecting in the response above is inappropriate.

Correction to typo above: *bad* takes, not back takes.

[Anonymous]

To 12:52, I understand they had a bad breakup. Divorced I am sure are never fun and it is likely there is some blame on both sides. But parents need to get over themselves for the sake of their kids. Also, castigating someone is not helpful when suggesting someone open up and ask that they consider a different approach.