How to turn things around socially?

[Anonymous]

You need to go to every single event at school and volunteer for things. YOU need to make an effort to invite your child's friends over to your house and invite the parent to stay for a while ("would love to have you stay for coffee if you have time"). You need to sign your children up for sport and talk to the other parents on the sidelines during the game.

[Anonymous]

Playdates at your home help so much. Even just one -- when my son started at a new school, I figured out who he gravitated towards, invited these two kids (one at a time) over to our house to play for a few hours on a weekend that fall.

Friendship totally solidified. It really doesn't take that much time. Child feels like that have an ally in the classroom. Do this for your child. It doesn't have to feel habitual -- just do it once. After a while, you can start inviting the kid over without the parents and the two kids will just play together while you deal with your own life.

[Anonymous]

If you have a mailing list, invite the moms out for dinner or happy hour. Lots of parents want to know other parents but don’t take the initiative. Bonus if you chit chat with one or two at a school event or volunteering and get them interested or pick a date at least one person will join. Worked for me with all 3 of my kids. Many dropped out, but I have at least a small group of mom friends. for each age group. For two kids, the friends’ kids and mine are no longer friends but the moms still are. It took a couple years of planning events, keeping text threads going, etc, and now it is organic and we are actually friends. So it did take lots of time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to invite.

+1 this is where to invest your time. The 3 yo will come with a parent. The older one will likely be drop off and you can invite the parent if you want, but dont expect them to join. For the 3 yo just have a few toys they could do out. Offer the parent some seltzer water. Choose 1 event to volunteer at at school. Introduce yourself to the other parents when you get there.

Volunteering is better than playdates, imo. Maybe it's an NYC thing, but inviting a kid for a playdate often means that that their nanny comes with them.

I'm pp...agreed, but it's the main way to get reciprocated play dates (which OP kind of alluded to feeling was lacking). If a 3rd grader is getting no play date invites, Id want to start there.

[Anonymous]

Your older daughter is getting very close to the age where parents being friends won’t matter as much. Do you invite her friends over? Have birthday parties? If not start there. I have a 4th grader and I invite over the people she likes. There are a very small number of people who I will invite over the whole family but even then it can be tricky with multiple kids with the ages not lining up or whatever. You mainly just want to register as a friend for the parents at that age but the kids can figure out their own friendships mostly.

For your younger one so simple play dates with the two kids she talks about or the teacher recommends. That’s enough at that age and you don’t have time to invest in extras. Plan a nice birthday party and invite the whole class to meet everyone and maybe you will hit it off with someone. But basically: make an effort, be friendly and don’t talk all the time about how busy you are!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for these posts. For what it’s worth I never talk about work or being busy with other moms or at school events. I do have enough social sense to know people find that boring and doesn’t ever lead to easy conversation.

Sounds like this doesn’t have to be as hard as it seems. I can start with just a few playdates!

[Anonymous]

Nobody is thinking about you darling

[Anonymous]

I’d try and suss out which kid(s) your kid likes that are younger or youngest siblings. Those families are going to also be busy by default of having multiple kids and be used to the “playdate routine” and more inclined to do drop off play dates rather than whole family activities

[Anonymous]

Do your kids want to be more social?

If not, look at why you want to be more social with the other moms. If it’s just some vague FOMO/worry about what other people think - I wouldn’t worry about it. No one really cares.

If they do - then focus on playdates - start with kids they already like, invite, have snacks etc. Consider inviting them to activities as well. Go to school social events and chat with people, volunteer for a shift at the event, and don’t act like you’re too good/smart/professional for all the PTA moms. And expect that it will take a year or so to develop friendships.

[Anonymous]

Get out there and befriend the moms

[Anonymous]

Kid friends and mom friends are different. We are all buys. Our PTA is almost all working parents. And we all contribute. I notice the parents who never come to any events or help at all. It's always the same 20-30 parents and we are friends now because we do a ton for a school of 600 kids and spend time planning and working events. Every time a new K parent comes to volunteer is so very lovely and exciting! For kids playdates, just get the class list or post on the WA that you are looking to connect with Larlas mom for a playdate. My kids hang out with who they want regardless of who I am friends with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t bother. Focus on your actual friends. I’m in the same boat, demanding job and hard to make mom friends. I’ve given up because a mom friend with older kids advised that soon enough my kids social life will be orchestrated by the kids and I won’t need to get as involved.

+1. DS is in fifth grade and he dictates his own social life. I’m not involved. Mom and neighborhood cliques are not worth the headaches and drama.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a PP; I simply wouldn't think about a mom like you one way or another.

I am, however, a helper, and if I had one conversation with you where you told me that you didn't have time to arrange playdates but you were worried that your children were being left out, then I would say, "Oh! Well I can pick her up from school some time and you can get her after work" or whatever. That's all it would take.