How to turn things around socially?

[Anonymous]

All the posts about mom cliques and girls getting left out have me thinking about my situation. I’d like to be friends with the other parents but I just don’t have any time to put in the effort. My job is exceedingly demanding — I work all hours and I travel a lot. During time off I’m barely keeping my head above water doing all the other stuff that needs to happen for our lives to run. Plus I’m older and have many of my own friends from pre-kids, and my husband is very introverted and makes it hard to make “couple” friends.

For my older kid (rising 3rd), the moms are all friendly to me at school events but they rarely invite DD for playdates. I recently saw one of the moms at church and our kids have been at school together for 5 years and she didn’t even recognize me. For my younger DD who just had her first year of PK, I have no idea most of the parents names or their kids and haven’t been to most of the school events. This DD hasn’t been invited to any playdates or parties this year.

Do you have moms like me at your school and what do you think of them? I want to make an effort to turn this around in the next couple years and make at least a few parent friends at my kids school and help my kids develop a more active social life outside of school. How would you go about this? It’s a good time for me to put in the effort because older DD is starting at a new school next year and younger DD will be in an entirely new class of kids at her preschool.

Thanks in advance!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you don't have time for friends, so why would they make time for you? If you want to turn it around, you have to make the time.

Invite a preK kid, with their parent, over for an hour. If you don't know who in the class your kid is friends with, ask the teacher. Let the kids play, have coffee and fruit or a snack with the mom.

To have a friend, you have to be a friend

[Anonymous]

I think nothing of them because I never see them. Or, I think they are one of those people who always wants people to think they’re SOOOOOOO busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you don't have time for friends, so why would they make time for you? If you want to turn it around, you have to make the time.

Invite a preK kid, with their parent, over for an hour. If you don't know who in the class your kid is friends with, ask the teacher. Let the kids play, have coffee and fruit or a snack with the mom.

To have a friend, you have to be a friend

I’m saying I want to put in the time. Good idea to ask the teacher who the younger DD plays with! For my older kid, I thought I might try figuring out who else is going to be new in her grade and starting there.

How do I have a successful playdate for 3 year olds? Do I have activities set up for them (and like what kind of activities)? Do I have a snack ready? Do I have coffee/a snack for the other mom? Am I supposed to invite dad and mom over and get my husband involved in this too? (He would prefer to not participate.)

[Anonymous]

It won't work out to be very social. Find one thing to volunteer with and several good friends that also have kids your kids like and that will be enough. Kids will be friends with kids they like and adults will be friends with adults they like.

For a playdate I would start by hosting and making it easier for the other family. Have some food and take care of everything and make sure the kids are safe and having fun. If the mom is friendly she will eventually hang out and talk.

[Anonymous]

What do I think of them? I think “who?”

[Anonymous]

You work long hours, you travel, you are barely keeping your head above water...

I would put the time you do have at home into spending it with your husband and kids. Your kids will make friends in time.

It doesn't seem like you have any time to put into socializing without taking away from the little time you have now with your own family.

[Anonymous]

You have to invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to invite.

+1 this is where to invest your time. The 3 yo will come with a parent. The older one will likely be drop off and you can invite the parent if you want, but dont expect them to join. For the 3 yo just have a few toys they could do out. Offer the parent some seltzer water. Choose 1 event to volunteer at at school. Introduce yourself to the other parents when you get there.

[Anonymous]

I was very involved with the volunteer moms at DCs' K-8 and ended up making a lot of friends through that. We all understood that not everyone had as much free time as we did, and we didn't judge moms who had other obligations. If you can't hang out after drop-off and organize the book sale or grab coffee or whatever, it makes it harder to make social connections beyond small talk at larger school events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to invite.

+1 this is where to invest your time. The 3 yo will come with a parent. The older one will likely be drop off and you can invite the parent if you want, but dont expect them to join. For the 3 yo just have a few toys they could do out. Offer the parent some seltzer water. Choose 1 event to volunteer at at school. Introduce yourself to the other parents when you get there.

Volunteering is better than playdates, imo. Maybe it's an NYC thing, but inviting a kid for a playdate often means that that their nanny comes with them.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t bother. Focus on your actual friends. I’m in the same boat, demanding job and hard to make mom friends. I’ve given up because a mom friend with older kids advised that soon enough my kids social life will be orchestrated by the kids and I won’t need to get as involved.

[Anonymous]

We are ALL busy. It’s about priorities. I’m quite introverted, but I do it for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Invite another kid and the mom. Offer the mom a beverage, and put out a little plate of nice cookies or grapes or something.
Definitely have some snacks and water for the kids. You can suggest to your DD that she sees what the other kid wants to do, but also have toys and art supplies out and ready for them to use.

[Anonymous]

Also, early playdates are on the shorter side, so keep it to maybe an hour and a half max. Do not involve your husband. If you have a pet, ask the other parent if their child is ok with it or if you should keep the pet away.