Restart sex life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Snuggle. Don't even think about each other's naughty bits, just snuggle. On the couch watching TV or reading; in bed before sleeping and when you wake up. Go for maximum physical contact, like you're a baby sloth. Once you've reacquainted yourselves with routine touch, start to fantasize privately while you're snuggling. You can reconnect your body and your mind this way. Fantasize about whatever; doesn't have to be your spouse, just something that reliably gets your blood flowing while holding each other. If you're not feeling frisky for each other within a week or two, well, you've only lost a week or two. And then it might be time to talk to a pro. But definitely do hold yourself open to that possibility. You should be having sex. Sex is nice. Don't wait forever.

Oh god what kind of person older than twelves uses the phrase naughty bits

What’s your vibrator’s name?

[Anonymous]

You don't need directions or tingles.

You chose to have a normal marriage, or not.

[Anonymous]

I think affectionate touch is such a big part of this. Even when my marriage went through a rough patch sexually there was still touch and I think that helped us recover- there was always affection and emotional intimacy and touch. Those are the building blocks for sex years into the marriage. It’s very hard to be physically into someone if you are not emotionally open, and it’s awkward to start sexual touch if you haven’t been touching in an affectionate way. I guess some men can get really revved up from touch but that’s not my husband- but our sex life restarted easily when we touched again.

[Anonymous]

I just say "We need to fool around. I miss you. How about this afternoon before dinner?"

Daytime works better for us than night or morning. Saying we're going to do it this afternoon plants the seed. When the time comes, we just get busy -- the rest is instinct.

Almost every time, we say "We need to do this more often."

[Anonymous]

Deciding you're not attracted to your partner anymore because their body has changed is juvenile.

This is your life partner, not some hookup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Deciding you're not attracted to your partner anymore because their body has changed is juvenile.

This is your life partner, not some hookup.

It’s generally not a decision you can control. If you were attracted to them when they had a healthy body, it’s not some moral or intellectual decision to not be able to be aroused by an unhealthy body. This isn’t just aging.

[Anonymous]

Embrace the awkwardness. It’s ok for it to be awkward as you get back into it.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it does not come back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in this situation too. I’m fit, spouse is not. Kind of acknowledges wanting to lose weight, but I think to be attracted again at this age now, that’s not going to cut it. They need to get fit, not just lose 30lbs for me to be attracted to them. I’m scared it’s dead and we’ll end up in even worse trouble. I can’t be done with intimacy.

If you can’t be done with intimacy and you want your marriage, you need to reframe your thinking about her. Obviously she’s not about to “get fit” whatever that means to you. Attraction is mental, not physical. Figure it out.

Lol. As much as we may wish this to be true, it simply isn’t.

I’d soften this a little—it’s not purely physical, but it’s not entirely mental either. Our sex life got way better when we both got into better shape, and i don’t think that pretending that this is not a real thing does struggling couples any service. It is rather a hopeful message, because it really doesn’t take *that* much—you don’t have to be a Greek god. A couple hours in the gym each week, everyone feeling a little bit better about their bodies—its a zero regrets thing to try, good for health anyway, that at least in our case made a significant difference and is a good place to start. (Particularly in scenarios where the husband is out of shape, it might be an easy fix there.). Doesn’t always work, of course, but worth a try in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Deciding you're not attracted to your partner anymore because their body has changed is juvenile.

This is your life partner, not some hookup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in this situation too. I’m fit, spouse is not. Kind of acknowledges wanting to lose weight, but I think to be attracted again at this age now, that’s not going to cut it. They need to get fit, not just lose 30lbs for me to be attracted to them. I’m scared it’s dead and we’ll end up in even worse trouble. I can’t be done with intimacy.

If you can’t be done with intimacy and you want your marriage, you need to reframe your thinking about her. Obviously she’s not about to “get fit” whatever that means to you. Attraction is mental, not physical. Figure it out.

Lol. As much as we may wish this to be true, it simply isn’t.

I’d soften this a little—it’s not purely physical, but it’s not entirely mental either. Our sex life got way better when we both got into better shape, and i don’t think that pretending that this is not a real thing does struggling couples any service. It is rather a hopeful message, because it really doesn’t take *that* much—you don’t have to be a Greek god. A couple hours in the gym each week, everyone feeling a little bit better about their bodies—its a zero regrets thing to try, good for health anyway, that at least in our case made a significant difference and is a good place to start. (Particularly in scenarios where the husband is out of shape, it might be an easy fix there.). Doesn’t always work, of course, but worth a try in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Both of you should read the book Come Together by Emily Nagoski and discuss.

If it feels too difficult to talk about together, couples counseling can give you a safe place to have these conversations.