DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it

[Anonymous]

He's probably seeking the thrill of bringing his grade up to the minimum he'll be satisfied with, at the last minute

[Anonymous]

What was he like in middle school? Kids need to start advocating for themselves and talking to teachers in middle school. Was he doing it then and this is new behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would reach out to the guidance counselor. The teachers are not going to chase him down to give him help, though IME, they are ready and willing if asked. Another thing is this. You aren’t going to get a lot of people riled up at school about a kid getting a C, especially in 9th grade where expectations are higher than in earlier years. There is likely going to be some feeling that you are overreacting. I’m not saying you are, just that people don’t consider a C as a crisis.

One other thing. It sounds like something else is going on here. Maybe ADHD, maybe anxiety, maybe depression, maybe being overwhelmed. Maybe he’s not capable of reaching your expectations - not everyone is an A or B student. Maybe he has a disability. It isn’t normal to have screaming matches. And, a kid who can be more successful isn’t going to be messing up his home life by screwing up school.

Thank you, yes, exactly, he just wouldn’t ask the teachers!
C wouldn’t tip the scale but D and summer school kind of freaks me out.
What should I write to the counselor? Like in general: asking for help, just letting her know I am aware, anything else?

PP here. What I’d do is email and ask to meet. Let the counselor know you are concerned about his grades and wanted recommendations.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

What are his aspirations? Does he have any reason to believe school matters?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you (and he) are struggling, OP. I have a similar child, similar struggles. Thankfully he is off to college next year! He got in and off he goes. It works out, even for our bumbling boys and their c’s and d’s.

I recommend the book The Self-Droven Child. Super helpful in thinking through how and where to insist, and how to give more autonomy. It’s helped all of us in my family.

[Anonymous]

I got online tutors this year for all struggling classes. Under $20 an hour so we can do a few hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you (and he) are struggling, OP. I have a similar child, similar struggles. Thankfully he is off to college next year! He got in and off he goes. It works out, even for our bumbling boys and their c’s and d’s.

I recommend the book The Self-Droven Child. Super helpful in thinking through how and where to insist, and how to give more autonomy. It’s helped all of us in my family.

This book and the follow-up were quite useful for my family as well. Kept me from being too hands on. If I manage my high schooler's work, how will they cope in college without family and with lots of other stresses and distractions? Yes, their brain is still immature, so I can't let everything fly, but they have to find their own drive.

[Anonymous]

I strongly disagree with the Self-Driven Child, despite appreciating the excellent psychological practice Dr. Stixrud has built and using the services of Prep Matters, the tutoring business founded by Ned Johnson.

I feel this book is written such that it's easily misunderstood by a lot of readers, and gives a pass to all families with untreated or mistreated mental health disorders to let their kids close doors for themselves. Sure, if the kid has an IQ of 70 and not college-bound, maybe don't push him to academic heights he's never going to reach. But the book insists way too much on letting immature teenage brains make life-changing decisions at a moment in time when those decisions will probably have huge repercussions for their future. Regret later in life doesn't make up for missing a possible pipeline to a decent college - something that for most people, procures a middle class lifestyle.

It's important to create a bond of trust and listen to one's children, to what they want out of life and what they envision for themselves; but at some point if you've observed your child and have a good sense of their potential, you as the parent also have a say, and you can push back against social anxiety, fear of failure, refusal to go the classic route, or whatever it is that may be driving your child in an alternative direction. And there are therapists and psychologists who can help you tease out your child's mental make-up and what might be behind their decisions.

[Anonymous]

Recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy; these have wait lists, but you can get into telehealth sooner. This is an ADHD thing most likely, and CBT will be the best help you can get him to figure out how to manage his differently wired brain. Better money spent than a tutor, as I learned the hard way. Good luck. This is not unusual, people just don't post about it on Facebook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is his life like outside of school? ECs? Social life? Screen time?

That would impact how I would handle.

Drugs? Partying?

Not everything is a diagnosis, unless the diagnosis is BAT, “being a teenager.”

[Anonymous]

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5014388/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drug test him.

Check for depression also

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's probably seeking the thrill of bringing his grade up to the minimum he'll be satisfied with, at the last minute

Kind of looks like that, yes! At the last moment he does the minimum and gets a B- or a C. He doesn’t start working on hw until it’s very close to bedtime. I used to be able to make him start earlier but it’s now become a power struggle and I want him to actually be responsible for it and not just do it because mom says to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was he like in middle school? Kids need to start advocating for themselves and talking to teachers in middle school. Was he doing it then and this is new behavior?

He was very bad at it, but I was able to force/scare him into doing it. I would also email the teachers as needed and they would gently nudge him and it was usually enough. It’s as if he needed a nod, an invitation of sorts.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you everyone, I am reading and will follow up on recommendations, I am just too beat up tonight. Will come back tomorrow.