DS failing a seemingly easy class and is very passive about it

[Anonymous]

There is so much to unpack here.
Freshman DS.
I suspect he has ADHD which I am planning to evaluate him for so that’s more or less covered, as in I know what to do if not the steps.

He also has a C in an honors class and refuses to do anything about it. He doesn’t go to the teacher or the tutoring center (yes I told him many times). I am getting a tutor which he also didn’t want to do but will have to.

Now, His grade went from a B to a C and now even a D in a regular class in a subject that was always relatively easy for him. He got a summer school assignment for it. Also refuses to do anything about it, doesn’t talk to the teacher or counselor, just hopes that as his late assignments are graded it will get better.

Anyway, it has become a battle of wills by now. I can’t keep punishing him and engaging in screaming matches.

What should I do?!
I’ve reached out to both teachers indicating DS has trouble asking for help and asking them how I can help him on my end. Not much help from them unfortunately but at least they know I am aware.

Should I also reach out to his counselor? Just to let her know I am aware of the issue and trying? Anything else?

Any help is appreciated. Please do not berate me, I am trying. The biggest issue it seems is that the teachers won’t help him unless he asks for help, and he just won’t. He also seems to be delusional and requested to take an honors version of the class he is currently failing, and was allowed to, it seems! He refuses to change his request too.

My problem is I don’t know how much autonomy to give him in this, and how much to just force him? And also what to write to the counselor if anything.

Thank you for reading my long post.

[Anonymous]

TLDR version: DS is failing a class and does badly in another, refuses to get help from teachers or peer tutors, gets summer school, reached out to his teachers but no help, what if anything should I say to or ask his counselor.

[Anonymous]

I would reach out to the guidance counselor. The teachers are not going to chase him down to give him help, though IME, they are ready and willing if asked. Another thing is this. You aren’t going to get a lot of people riled up at school about a kid getting a C, especially in 9th grade where expectations are higher than in earlier years. There is likely going to be some feeling that you are overreacting. I’m not saying you are, just that people don’t consider a C as a crisis.

One other thing. It sounds like something else is going on here. Maybe ADHD, maybe anxiety, maybe depression, maybe being overwhelmed. Maybe he’s not capable of reaching your expectations - not everyone is an A or B student. Maybe he has a disability. It isn’t normal to have screaming matches. And, a kid who can be more successful isn’t going to be messing up his home life by screwing up school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would reach out to the guidance counselor. The teachers are not going to chase him down to give him help, though IME, they are ready and willing if asked. Another thing is this. You aren’t going to get a lot of people riled up at school about a kid getting a C, especially in 9th grade where expectations are higher than in earlier years. There is likely going to be some feeling that you are overreacting. I’m not saying you are, just that people don’t consider a C as a crisis.

One other thing. It sounds like something else is going on here. Maybe ADHD, maybe anxiety, maybe depression, maybe being overwhelmed. Maybe he’s not capable of reaching your expectations - not everyone is an A or B student. Maybe he has a disability. It isn’t normal to have screaming matches. And, a kid who can be more successful isn’t going to be messing up his home life by screwing up school.

Disagree. Plenty of kids are capable of As, but are lazy and don’t care. No disability, no adhd, just apathy. Not saying this is OPs case, but it is for many many kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would reach out to the guidance counselor. The teachers are not going to chase him down to give him help, though IME, they are ready and willing if asked. Another thing is this. You aren’t going to get a lot of people riled up at school about a kid getting a C, especially in 9th grade where expectations are higher than in earlier years. There is likely going to be some feeling that you are overreacting. I’m not saying you are, just that people don’t consider a C as a crisis.

One other thing. It sounds like something else is going on here. Maybe ADHD, maybe anxiety, maybe depression, maybe being overwhelmed. Maybe he’s not capable of reaching your expectations - not everyone is an A or B student. Maybe he has a disability. It isn’t normal to have screaming matches. And, a kid who can be more successful isn’t going to be messing up his home life by screwing up school.

Thank you, yes, exactly, he just wouldn’t ask the teachers!
C wouldn’t tip the scale but D and summer school kind of freaks me out.
What should I write to the counselor? Like in general: asking for help, just letting her know I am aware, anything else?

[Anonymous]

The time for autonomy is long past, OP. I assume you've already enforced consequences at home, like screentime restrictions, socializing restrictions, etc.

For a diagnosis, you call all the psychologists' offices in your area (I highly recommend Stixrud's in Silver Spring, MD) and you accept whatever cancelation they give you, otherwise you'll have months to wait. The neuropsychological evaluation is 8 hours long spread over 2 days. $5K, but it's worth it. No school will ever be able to offer anything remotely similar, they don't have the resources.

With report in hand, you contact the counselor and request a 504 meeting (or IEP meeting, if there are multiple issues in the neuropsychological report). They will work with what's in the report to give him appropriate accommodations. Most likely, that will occur at the beginning of 10th grade.

At the same time, you reach out to psychiatrists versed in adolescent ADHD (not a pediatrician, they're not trained enough), and if ADHD is indeed part of the diagnosis, they will try different stimulants and work on the ramp up, which takes several weeks.

Finally, you can start contacting an executive function coach right away to get your child some training in study skills and time management. Nothing will stick well until he's medicated for his ADHD, mind. But it gets the ball rolling and tells him you're deadly serious about his grades.

[Anonymous]

Drug test him.

[Anonymous]

Agree on the evaluation, but assuming that is in progress, you need to enforce effort, not results.

So draw up some criteria on what he has to do everyday for that class. Consequences if this is not done. I would give up on the after school/tutoring if that fight is not going anywhere, but I would insist on one hour of studying/completing assignments daily.

I would also ask for a conference with his teacher, and include him in the conference. The teacher should be able to lay out a plan of what he needs to do, and you can back that up at home.

[Anonymous]

I say this kindly as a HS teacher and a parent of two teens, one with ADHD and one without. Don’t waste your money on a tutor if he doesn’t want it. It could be ADHD, it could be a million other things or he could be going through a rebellious teen phase.

One thing I know for sure, you repeatedly emailing teachers, counselors and hiring supports if he isn’t willing will not help. 14-15 were the toughest years and battles with both of mine and I work with teens for a living. I had to back off and change my parenting style.

If your kid is suffering from depression or some sort of mental health crisis then you need to intervene. If he is digging in and refusing to work then sure, take away some sort of privilege until he does xyz. But no, don’t hire a tutor unless he wants to go or demand he meets with Mrs. Jones 3x week.

[Anonymous]

10:27 again and to give you some hope. My oldest had a rough freshman year, a better 10th grade year and is doing great independently junior year. I had to back way off. He needed to mature and my constant nagging was making the entire family miserable. Yes, he has ADHD and an IEP. We are going for college visits and I had to change my mindset on what would happen if he got a C or even a D on his transcript. Life goes on and he has all As this year.

My youngest is a freshman now. No SN and is arguing with us the same now. It sounds similar but not as extreme as your son or how our oldest was. We now understand not all kids are rule followers or even nice to their parents, unfortunately, and are trying to give more space while still maintaining boundaries. The ivies and UVA might be out and that’s okay.

[Anonymous]

For my DD, it was boredom. She was so bored, but isn’t “smart” enough to advance. We motivated her by “buying” her. Each semester we would negotiate something (one semester it was ear piercing) and if she passes all classes with a C or better, she gets the thing. She’s passed ever since. I don’t see it any different than a raise at work.

[Anonymous]

Like yours, my ds had a total brain block when it came to certain classes. For some time at that age I had to just sit with my ds while he did the work. I had to log into his portal all the time to see what was going on/due/late/etc. Way more than I ever did for his older brothers. And when I couldn't sit with him he had to show me the work was done before I would take him to the gym/friends/etc.

Taking away screens or what have you did nothing as he would find something else with which to procrastinate/not do the work.

It is getting better. He is a 15yo sophomore. They have a lot going on up there at this age.

[Anonymous]

Gotta love the system we've created. Let's dump our kids into a highly distracting environment, strap em to desks all day every day and pump em full of drugs if they don't 'succeed'.

[Anonymous]

I would lock his phone down until he approaches teachers. No allowance.

Even if it is adhd, he still needs to learn to not use it an excuse. And I have adhd and wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult.

[Anonymous]

What is his life like outside of school? ECs? Social life? Screen time?

That would impact how I would handle.