Can a friend group survive two friends disliking one another?

[Anonymous]

Depends how many people are in the group. If it's four, then no. If it's 30, then yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends how many people are in the group. If it's four, then no. If it's 30, then yes.

Generally, yes. But even in the 30 person group, it might not work if the people OP is closest to are also close to this other woman.

I suspect OP would not be stressing about this if she didn't share close friends with this woman. She's bothered because OP wants to spend time with these people but WITHOUT this person around, and that's becoming challenging.

This is a major reasons that friend groups don't often survive into your late 30s or 40s. People get tired of spending their limited free time with people they don't like, and people become less tolerant generally so there are more people they dislike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can't tolerate her being there, probably not. If you can handle being around her for local events like a dinner, and can avoid saying bad things about her behind her back, maybe, to a degree, but don't go on trips with them.

I don’t ever bad mouth her to mutual friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The group can survive, but likely without you. It would take both people willing to be cordial always and it sounds like you can’t/won’t anymore.

I have been cordial. In the group, not everyone can always make it due to scheduling for legitimate reasons. I almost always respond last and say I can’t make it if she is there. Some events like mutual friend birthday, I attend and try not to interact with the woman.

Right but it sounds like you're the one who is the one at their limit with the other person. The other person is still being invited by the group and you're the one who is considering declining get togethers because she is there. Logically what's going to happen is that you will slowly get dropped from the group. It would be one thing if she was the one not coming because of you or if they stopped inviting her. But it sounds like you're the one pulling away so you'll be the one left behind.

She is literally the most available person ever. It doesn’t matter if it is a weekday morning or Sat night a month from now, she is always available and willing to do anything.

In our group, there is one friend who is very busy with work, her three kids’ very busy schedules plus her dh’s busy work schedule. I’m second most busy so the other busy mom and I are the ones who miss most gatherings.

OP I have been in this exact situation and the result was, I left the group.

Ask yourself why she's so available. Likely this group is really important to her. She may not have other friends. If the reasons you dislike her are likely to bother other people, it might be harder for her to make other friends. If this group was formed as a new mom group, these might be the women most willing to put up with whatever her issues are.

If she's super motivated to keep the friendships, but you just can't tolerate her, you are going to have to bow out to get away from her. Do you have other friends?

You also might be able to try and hold onto one or two 1:1 friendships and just see those women occasionally without participating in the group.

She's not going to leave. You have to decide if you are willing to put up with her or not. For me it was a hard no -- my dislike was based on fundamental values, not just annoyance.

I have other friends. I have new friends, old friends, dh’s friends and my kids’ friends. Everyone in my family is very social. My kids have long forgotten about these kids they knew when they were toddlers and preschool.

I will continue doing the slow fade. I do like the other women in the group. I like the women a lot and consider them close friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The group can survive, but likely without you. It would take both people willing to be cordial always and it sounds like you can’t/won’t anymore.

I have been cordial. In the group, not everyone can always make it due to scheduling for legitimate reasons. I almost always respond last and say I can’t make it if she is there. Some events like mutual friend birthday, I attend and try not to interact with the woman.

But you don’t want her to be invited to your bday thing. This would make it awkward for the others. And you are self-selecting out of the trips.

One mutual friend is really good about getting dates to celebrate our birthdays together. I really really don’t want to celebrate with the woman I dislike. I’m not sure I can say I don’t want her there without blowing up the group.

Same friend keeps trying to plan these trips altogether. I make excuses and I’m running out.

I was contemplating just telling that friend I don’t like X but I do think that will mess up the whole friend group.

[Anonymous]

Oh I hate that person who is all super-available because it's all they've got with the annoying personality to boot.

You need to make something blow up so she says something to you, then you play the victim (even if it's not your style) and make her look like the bad guy.

(I'm sure I saw this in a movie)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The group can survive, but likely without you. It would take both people willing to be cordial always and it sounds like you can’t/won’t anymore.

I have been cordial. In the group, not everyone can always make it due to scheduling for legitimate reasons. I almost always respond last and say I can’t make it if she is there. Some events like mutual friend birthday, I attend and try not to interact with the woman.

But you don’t want her to be invited to your bday thing. This would make it awkward for the others. And you are self-selecting out of the trips.

One mutual friend is really good about getting dates to celebrate our birthdays together. I really really don’t want to celebrate with the woman I dislike. I’m not sure I can say I don’t want her there without blowing up the group.

Same friend keeps trying to plan these trips altogether. I make excuses and I’m running out.

I was contemplating just telling that friend I don’t like X but I do think that will mess up the whole friend group.

Why? What would the effect be other than that one of you (likely you it sounds like) isn't there?

If no one else has a problem with this woman and you tell them that you do, they will likely decide to invite either you or her going forward. Why would that blow up the group? There would still be the same amount of people attending things.

Absolutely put your foot down about your birthday. You are entitled to invite who you want and not invite who you don't. The groups trips you'll just keep missing if you can't tolerate this person.

It's very unclear why only you have a problem with her, by the way, so more facts would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Nope. One of you will be dropped.

[Anonymous]

IMO life is too short to deal with people like this. I’ve never had an experience like this actually work out, generally one person gets “cut”. My husband and one of his friends had a big falling out years ago, and everyone took his side bc the other person had gone a bit crazy. The crazy one got “cut”, but some people did hang out with him 1-on-1.

I’ve done similar, pulled back if I’m not vibing with someone. If X person is going/there, I politely decline, and make separate plans with the people I want to. I just don’t have the bandwidth to spend time with people I don’t like. Time is precious, don’t waste it.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely put your foot down about your birthday. You are entitled to invite who you want and not invite who you don't. The groups trips you'll just keep missing if you can't tolerate this person.

If a friend insisted I exclude just one member of a small friend group from a birthday dinner invite, I would think they were full of drama. If the friend group is like 10 people, that's a different story, of course you can invite a smaller group you are closest with, but not exclude just one person.

[Anonymous]

I am in a friend group where there is a person I dislike. Group has about a dozen people and has been going for almost 20 years. I’ve never liked her.

Here’s the difference - I do not avoid her or exclude her, nor does she avoid or exclude me. It’s not a secret that I’m not a fan of hers. And obviously at group events, I gravitate to the other people. But also I’m often in conversations with her at stuff - so what?

And yes, I invite her to any group activities I’m planning, including my wedding. I treasure this group, and have no interest in being exclusionary or forcing people to choose sides or anything. This group means a lot to me, I’m not going to mess it up because one person isn’t my cup of tea.

Bottom line: if you value this group and want to remain a part of it, you need to accept that her presence is part of the package, stop skipping stuff she’s going to, and include her in your birthday dinner.

If that doesn’t sound worth it to you, and you’d rather lose the group than spend time with her, then you should think carefully about individuals you care about in the group and work on developing 1:1 relationships with them, because either the group will break up or you will fall out of it.

[Anonymous]

A friend group surviving, no
See them separately
Politely, clearly explain why, to the person you like, if necessary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Absolutely put your foot down about your birthday. You are entitled to invite who you want and not invite who you don't. The groups trips you'll just keep missing if you can't tolerate this person.

If a friend insisted I exclude just one member of a small friend group from a birthday dinner invite, I would think they were full of drama. If the friend group is like 10 people, that's a different story, of course you can invite a smaller group you are closest with, but not exclude just one person.

I'm sorry, what? You think people should be forced to invite someone they hate to their own birthday party? What is wrong with you? I can only begin to scratch the surface with you, but there is a lot to unpack if that's what you think. I have so many thoughts on how you were raised, how your marriage operates, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a friend group where there is a person I dislike. Group has about a dozen people and has been going for almost 20 years. I’ve never liked her.

Here’s the difference - I do not avoid her or exclude her, nor does she avoid or exclude me. It’s not a secret that I’m not a fan of hers. And obviously at group events, I gravitate to the other people. But also I’m often in conversations with her at stuff - so what?

And yes, I invite her to any group activities I’m planning, including my wedding. I treasure this group, and have no interest in being exclusionary or forcing people to choose sides or anything. This group means a lot to me, I’m not going to mess it up because one person isn’t my cup of tea.

Bottom line: if you value this group and want to remain a part of it, you need to accept that her presence is part of the package, stop skipping stuff she’s going to, and include her in your birthday dinner.

If that doesn’t sound worth it to you, and you’d rather lose the group than spend time with her, then you should think carefully about individuals you care about in the group and work on developing 1:1 relationships with them, because either the group will break up or you will fall out of it.

OP said she had a falling out with this person, not that they just weren't her cup of tea. Of course, she's also refused to say what the falling out was about, so who knows how serious it was.