Blocking grandma from phone?

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like our DIL who wants to control everything and has just about succeeded in destroying our relationship with our grandchildren (yes, our DS is also to blame).

[Anonymous]

Sorry, the example you gave lost you all credibility.

You came back and explained, but I don't believe you. This is not how a normal person explains a really challenging relationship situation. I know, because *I* had to distance my family from a parent who was verbally abusive. My mother told me I'd ruined my life by marrying my husband, called my husband swear words, and called my toddler daughter fat (she was normal weight). Also, she accused us of crazy things, like messing with her fridge temperature and making all her veggies wilt (they'd been in there for weeks). Crazy stuff, OP.

I don't think your story qualifies. Or perhaps you're the worst storyteller in the world.

[Anonymous]

^ and we didn't block her from any of our phone contacts either. We're just very thoughtful about how and when we respond. My kids learned from a very young age to be diplomatic and circumspect around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, the example you gave lost you all credibility.

You came back and explained, but I don't believe you. This is not how a normal person explains a really challenging relationship situation. I know, because *I* had to distance my family from a parent who was verbally abusive. My mother told me I'd ruined my life by marrying my husband, called my husband swear words, and called my toddler daughter fat (she was normal weight). Also, she accused us of crazy things, like messing with her fridge temperature and making all her veggies wilt (they'd been in there for weeks). Crazy stuff, OP.

I don't think your story qualifies. Or perhaps you're the worst storyteller in the world.

NP. My parents did similar things, PP. Sometimes though, it’s the little things that really bother people. The big, egregious acts are obviously offensive. You know they’re wrong, others can see it, and there’s no room for doubt. The small acts that you know will lead to the bigger offenses make you question yourself, because what if that was the one time it wasn’t going to escalate? OP knows her mom and her patterns. She’s trying to protect her kids from whatever she went through with her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, the example you gave lost you all credibility.

You came back and explained, but I don't believe you. This is not how a normal person explains a really challenging relationship situation. I know, because *I* had to distance my family from a parent who was verbally abusive. My mother told me I'd ruined my life by marrying my husband, called my husband swear words, and called my toddler daughter fat (she was normal weight). Also, she accused us of crazy things, like messing with her fridge temperature and making all her veggies wilt (they'd been in there for weeks). Crazy stuff, OP.

I don't think your story qualifies. Or perhaps you're the worst storyteller in the world.

Maybe she didn't express herself well in the first post, but that doesn't mean that her problems are not as real as yours.

OP, one of the problems that you face is that you have a 15 year old. If she were 10, this would be a no brainer. Sometimes when you cut off or limit too much, the kid will develop a complex where the other person is the longsuffering victim and you are the bad guy. You probably need to really consider your 15 year old's maturity level, and maybe include them in the conversation about whether or not to block. I totally get where you are coming from, and I don't necessarily think your decision was wrong. I just think you may need to consider some potential unanticipated consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, the example you gave lost you all credibility.

You came back and explained, but I don't believe you. This is not how a normal person explains a really challenging relationship situation. I know, because *I* had to distance my family from a parent who was verbally abusive. My mother told me I'd ruined my life by marrying my husband, called my husband swear words, and called my toddler daughter fat (she was normal weight). Also, she accused us of crazy things, like messing with her fridge temperature and making all her veggies wilt (they'd been in there for weeks). Crazy stuff, OP.

I don't think your story qualifies. Or perhaps you're the worst storyteller in the world.

Maybe she didn't express herself well in the first post, but that doesn't mean that her problems are not as real as yours.

OP, one of the problems that you face is that you have a 15 year old. If she were 10, this would be a no brainer. Sometimes when you cut off or limit too much, the kid will develop a complex where the other person is the longsuffering victim and you are the bad guy. You probably need to really consider your 15 year old's maturity level, and maybe include them in the conversation about whether or not to block. I totally get where you are coming from, and I don't necessarily think your decision was wrong. I just think you may need to consider some potential unanticipated consequences.

OP here. My 15yo was the one who originally tipped me off on her own. She was feeling a little gross and manipulated and upon hearing more, that’s when we decided to cut of the kids’ 1:1 contact with my mom.

We were still letting them talk and she was texting with DD, and while I admit my example was horrible, the point I was trying to make is, if we allow this unfettered access by phone, will the simple “I miss you’s” by text or phone escalate into the deeper manipulation she was doing in person. I don’t want DD to have to deal with that at all, so I blocked her. I just can’t believe this is actually happening. I know this boundary is just, but it still hurts that it has to be this way.

I like the idea of the family room speaker call. FaceTime could even work. Some way where she can still talk to them, but knows she has our audience, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like our DIL who wants to control everything and has just about succeeded in destroying our relationship with our grandchildren (yes, our DS is also to blame).

And what reasons did you give her to “destroy” the relationship? Hmm. Because I see a pattern of seemingly innocent MILs who, in reality, act selfish/controlling/secretive and expect that everyone overlooks it so that grandma’s feelings don’t get hurt.

[Anonymous]

I think you know your mom the best. People don't change. If she's manipulative, it's not her first rodeo. My mom is the same. She's very skilled at playing the victim and over time, the little nasty things she does and says just add up. My mom tried to force me to tell her that I love her recently. She's gotten old and have realized that there's no-one in this world who does (yes, she triangulates). So she repeated that she loved me every 2 seconds in a 5-minute phone call, expectantly waiting for me to reciprocate. I don't love her because she's been one nasty mother and actually couldn't remember when she in fact said that she loved me before. No-one who would have overheard our conversation would have understood.

[Anonymous]

OP….you are a control freak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You drew your line in the sand, so now stick to it. You don’t need to crowdsource this here on DCUM. Stay consistent with your boundaries. You don’t need anyone’s approval here.

+1 I mean, saying I miss you, I wish I could see you more is something pretty much every grandma does. Even the part about complaining that grandma doesn't see the grandkids enough. But clearly you have history there, so not sure why you need to ask strangers.

[Anonymous]

This is the saddest post on DCUM in a long while. You have real problems, OP for alienating your kids from their grandparents over total nonsense. Sad. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, the example you gave lost you all credibility.

You came back and explained, but I don't believe you. This is not how a normal person explains a really challenging relationship situation. I know, because *I* had to distance my family from a parent who was verbally abusive. My mother told me I'd ruined my life by marrying my husband, called my husband swear words, and called my toddler daughter fat (she was normal weight). Also, she accused us of crazy things, like messing with her fridge temperature and making all her veggies wilt (they'd been in there for weeks). Crazy stuff, OP.

I don't think your story qualifies. Or perhaps you're the worst storyteller in the world.

Maybe she didn't express herself well in the first post, but that doesn't mean that her problems are not as real as yours.

OP, one of the problems that you face is that you have a 15 year old. If she were 10, this would be a no brainer. Sometimes when you cut off or limit too much, the kid will develop a complex where the other person is the longsuffering victim and you are the bad guy. You probably need to really consider your 15 year old's maturity level, and maybe include them in the conversation about whether or not to block. I totally get where you are coming from, and I don't necessarily think your decision was wrong. I just think you may need to consider some potential unanticipated consequences.

OP here. My 15yo was the one who originally tipped me off on her own. She was feeling a little gross and manipulated and upon hearing more, that’s when we decided to cut of the kids’ 1:1 contact with my mom.

We were still letting them talk and she was texting with DD, and while I admit my example was horrible, the point I was trying to make is, if we allow this unfettered access by phone, will the simple “I miss you’s” by text or phone escalate into the deeper manipulation she was doing in person. I don’t want DD to have to deal with that at all, so I blocked her. I just can’t believe this is actually happening. I know this boundary is just, but it still hurts that it has to be this way.

I like the idea of the family room speaker call. FaceTime could even work. Some way where she can still talk to them, but knows she has our audience, too.

Since your daughter is on board and already understands I think those are good solutions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You drew your line in the sand, so now stick to it. You don’t need to crowdsource this here on DCUM. Stay consistent with your boundaries. You don’t need anyone’s approval here.

I agree. I miss you can seem innocent enough…but in this context where manipulation, triangulation, and parental alienation were/are at play, I get your point. I’m sorry you are going through this. Stand firm

[Anonymous]

OP I get it. My mom is manipulative. The examples you gave may not have been ideal, but an "I miss you" from a genuine loving and empathetic person" hits different than "I miss you" from a manipulator. The fact that she says things suggesting you hate her and tells them what to say crosses major lines.

I disagree with the advice that you let a 15 year old handle it. I am an assertive and intelligent person and it took me until middle age and therapy to figure out what was going on with mom and family dynamics and how to set boundaries and deal with the fallout. Most likely if the 15 year old "handles it" grandma will get upset and escalate and possible lash out.

Keep your boundaries. Remain calm and matter of fact when she confronts you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until the part where the grandma texting that she misses her grandchild is considered bad behavior.

Ummm

Are you okay, OP?

Part of the manipulation and triangulation was my mom guilt tripping the children and telling them things like your mom hates me (I don’t) and that I am keeping them from her (while they are with her) and they need to tell me they want to see her. None of this is true. She was seeing them with frequency until I realized what was happening. There’s other things and a long history of unsavory things she’s been telling them that I only recently uncovered, and I believe she is grooming them to hate me. It’s too much to get into here. You’re just going to have to trust me, or not, in which case I understand if you don’t want to continue posting.

So you only want people to post if they agree with you? Got it. So why did you post looking for advice?