Acceptance and Peace

[Anonymous]

It is hard. I’m less than a year out. Mine are 8 and 11. I delayed the divorce as long as I could despite XH having major mental health issues and being emotionally abusive because I could not bear being separated from them when they were younger. He was the one who wanted the divorce — I probably would have tolerated the situation to not be separated from the kids. In retrospect that wasn’t a great instinct as it is more important for them to see their mom have self-respect and self-love, which I couldn’t model in that situation…. but it’s hard to fight the instinct not to leave your kids.

Like a PP above I also flex my work schedule and have pretty much the same amount of time with them that I’d have before. I sign up for any school related volunteering so I can see them more. For the first half of the year we also did 1-1 time with kids on the weekend. I still try to request 1-1 time with them during his time when I know he would not be with them anyway, or when I know he would prefer a break. That way I can take them for little outings or dinners. He gives up a fair amount of his custody time (because of course although he fought for 50-50 he doesn’t really want it). There are only a few days a month that I end up not seeing them at all. Usually I schedule my work travel on those days.

I do think overall I am more present and relaxed due to the time away. So they may be getting less time but it’s probably higher quality. The main thing I worry about for them is the going between houses, not the lack of time with me.

It helps if you can do meaningful things with your time when you’re not with them. I am using the time to do some trainings that I’ve always wanted to do, spend time with friends/family, travel, exercise, fix up the house, creative writing, work on my career, care for my health. I increased my income by 30% this year and am moving ahead with projects that were on the back burner for years due to full-on mom time. My world has gotten so much bigger and it feels good to have myself back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind your kids will tell you that they are doing OK but it doesn't mean they are.

They've gone through the trauma of divorce and don't want to cause any further trouble/anxiety/worry so they will tell you things are fine.

But they aren't.

It's true as a general rule that kids will say that they're fine when they're not.

But when it comes to divorce, the impacts and outcomes on children vary dramatically.

Impacts vary depending on age when divorce happens, relationships with parents, number of siblings, other friendships and community, but most importantly, how the parents treat each other and if the divorce was amicable. For some kids, the impact is minimal. For others it's not. But the same things can be said of many less than ideal circumstances in kids lives.

Tldr- your statement is pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad you're finding acceptance and peace, OP. I'm on the same journey (I'm known as Miss Carpet Runner and Novel Lady over in the relationship forum, lol). The short version is that STBX had an affair ten years ago, when our kids were preschool aged, and he left me this fall with some vague words about being unhappy (spoiler alert . . . it was another woman).

I think how you deal with divorce is probably how you deal with every big thing in your life. I've been through hard things before, so I know the drill . . . leaning on friends, journaling, meditating, therapy. I have never expected life to spare me from the hard stuff; I know we all get our share. I didn't have divorce on my bingo card, but I knew I would deal with something, you know?

I've also been trying to envision how I want the future to be. I want to be friendly and amicable with my STBX. Once you're going through a divorce, everyone tells you their divorce story, and there are a lot of unhealed wounds out there. No judgment, this is hard sh*t, but that's not what I want for me or my kids.

So I try to claim the fact that Past Me was doing my best with the information that I had. I'm not really one for "what if's." I didn't leave ten years ago, but I'm not going to wonder if I should have. What's important is that this time, I let him go. I wasn't going to cling to someone who has proved himself to be so undeserving of me. And in some ways his leaving is a gift, because I wouldn't have, but I am being set free.

As for my kids not having me full time, well they really still do, don't they? I'm their mom 100% of the time, just as he's their dad 100% of the time. And that's something else I'm trying to claim, for both of us (despite his best efforts to muck it up like he does everything else). My kids are on vacation with him now, but they just called me to tell me about their day. (They don't do the same with him, which he has noticed and complained about, but you can't force or fake a secure attachment. Still, I am aiming to be a "different kind of family" so they will feel free to love him without feeling like it's being disloyal to me.)

I really love The Book of Forgiving for walking you through the process of compassion for yourself and for those who have hurt you. Everyone was once a little child afraid of the dark. Another exercise that helps me is to imagine if my STBX had been parented by healthy and whole individuals . . . who would he have been then? This allows me to have compassion for his failings and blind spots.

Practicing gratitude helps too. How can I not be grateful for all the wonderful things in my life, including my precious kids? Or the way that friends stepped up to show me that there will always be people who love me, whether I'm married or not. Or the opportunity to live anywhere I want now, when the kids are grown.

When STBX told me he wanted to leave (without saying why other than that he was unhappy), I told him that my happiness isn't dependent on my circumstances; it's internal work. He later turned this around and said something like, well I'm leaving because you said you'd be happy no matter what. He missed the point, but he was right. Contentment is a state of being, and it's something I can choose and claim for myself.

So I would just say, to anyone walking this road, to keep walking. Set your intentions. Do the work. Be kind to yourself -- you're doing the best that you can. And know that you are deserving of peace. <3

Not OP, but this is a wonderful post. You have a great attitude, and with that mindset, your kids will be totally fine. Your kids will absorb your approach toward life and take it on. Good luck to you!