I am not a troll: my kid can’t handle being yelled at, at all

[Anonymous]

DS is 12 and still bursts into tears on the rare occasion we yell at him. I think it just startles him so much that that's his instant reaction. I work in a job where unfortunately, I get yelled at by patients sometimes. I've definitely had to train myself not to have the instant reaction of tearing up.

[Anonymous]

This is normal

[Anonymous]

I think the interaction you described is fine. Pushing on the stairs is dangerous: you should be stern and they should be alarmed. So long as there's nothing emotionally punitive after - you're not still acting mad - it seems fine. I also think a non-yelling solution would have been fine, but not necessarily better.

Obviously you shouldn't yell at your kid more in order to desensitize them to yelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really hard to tell from your question, but one data point - I know a kid like this, and from my perspective, she’s pretty emotionally coddled. I’m all for giving kids space to express and process their emotions and to validate them, but ANY thing this kid feels is taken as the Number 1 Priority in the moment. She’s an only child, four years old, and if she’s sad about something, both parents drop everything and are there soothing and consoling her and talking to her and hugging her, and it’s like, dude, she dropped a cracker. She’ll live.

She’s also a bit anxious, and I think her parents inadvertently reinforce it by being overly accommodating. If she’s “too scared” to do something, then they just cancel the whole thing.

No idea if it’s a similar situation with you, but two things to look out for.

Uh, you know you are talking about a 4 year old, right? It's okay to not force your 4 year old to sit through a movie they find to scary or not fore them to go on the ferris wheel. Or to console them when they are sad, even if it's about something like a cracker that fell on the ground. They are 4.

If you were talking about a 10 year old and they were doing all this, I'd see your point. But 4? That's like saying parents are "coddling" a baby by soothing him when he cries.

[Anonymous]

I never yelled at my child, ever. I never yelled at any of the many students I taught over the years with behavioral issues (that was all of my caseload). I was screamed at often as a child by one parent and developed a lot of self-control as a result, to protect myself.

My kid was bright and somewhat sensitive, but luckily well-behaved and I truly didn’t need to raise my voice at her, except maybe when she was about to run into the ocean as a toddler.

If I had had to raise my voice, I would have talked with her afterwards about why and reassured her that she is okay and safe, even if someone raises their voice in an emergency.

Your kid will have lots of emotional experiences outside of your control as they grow up. As long as they are raised in a way that develops emotional resiliency, they will be okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really hard to tell from your question, but one data point - I know a kid like this, and from my perspective, she’s pretty emotionally coddled. I’m all for giving kids space to express and process their emotions and to validate them, but ANY thing this kid feels is taken as the Number 1 Priority in the moment. She’s an only child, four years old, and if she’s sad about something, both parents drop everything and are there soothing and consoling her and talking to her and hugging her, and it’s like, dude, she dropped a cracker. She’ll live.

She’s also a bit anxious, and I think her parents inadvertently reinforce it by being overly accommodating. If she’s “too scared” to do something, then they just cancel the whole thing.

No idea if it’s a similar situation with you, but two things to look out for.

Uh, you know you are talking about a 4 year old, right? It's okay to not force your 4 year old to sit through a movie they find to scary or not fore them to go on the ferris wheel. Or to console them when they are sad, even if it's about something like a cracker that fell on the ground. They are 4.

If you were talking about a 10 year old and they were doing all this, I'd see your point. But 4? That's like saying parents are "coddling" a baby by soothing him when he cries.

PP here. Oh, of course. I’m not talking about Ferris wheels or scary movies. I’m talking about cancelling a planned visit to a park she’s been to a dozen times because “the slide is too scary” (never mind she doesn’t have to go down the slide) or cancelling a trip to visit a friend because she might fall down on the way there.

And yeah, taking a minute to console a kid who’s sad about a cracker is reasonable. Stopping on the sidewalk for 10 mins to cry and snuggle about the cracker is over the top. Especially when it’s EVERY TIME.

[Anonymous]

How old is your child?

[Anonymous]

And yes, sign them up for the Marines immediately.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, all! I really appreciate the responses. And I promise I don’t treat my kid like a dog. I was just trying to convey that it was a sharp toned correction, not a tirade or an outburst.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is/was like this. I didn't even have to yell, apparently I could inflict the same reaction with a disappointed look. She was diagnosed with selective mustism and anxiety at age 4. Now at 12, she's still sensitive and gentle natured. I love her to bits and I've had to alter my patenting style for her. I correct her very gently with questions - 'what could happen if you push larlo on the stairs?' 'Do you think thats the right approach? What would be the right approach?' She doesn't need anything else. She's a sweet kid and will correct her behavior with that. The older ones were not as sensitive and the occasional raised voice was promptly ignored and I had to implement consequences like loss of screen time and privileges. My younger one never had consequences. She doesn't need them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I swear I’m not a troll and Idgaf about the culture wars or anything like that.

My preschooler is delightful, brave, and kind. I love them and we have what I think is a pretty secure and gentle but authoritative parenting style. We have rules and boundaries and consequences. But we almost never raise our voices. Like, almost never. And I’ve realized that if I raise my voice at my kiddo at all, they burst into tears.

Today it was a push on the stairs in a bad moment. I said “we do not push on the stairs” in I mean, a loud and stern voice. It’s the voice I would use on a dog doing something naughty. It wasn’t out of control angry or anything. I think it was totally appropriate given the importance of not pushing on the stairs. It caused a full meltdown of tears and general despair.

Is this just an age phase? Or am I creating a kid who isn’t going to be able to play sports or work in a firehouse or whatever? I don’t need to worry about this, right?

If you are yelling, you have already lost the battle. Don't yell at your preschooler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am i the picky who thinks that is a good thing? That sounds like healthy boundary

Yeah, but the poor preschooler is trapped in that family until adulthood. It will be a traumatic upbringing, for sure. The kid is the canary in ops dysfunctional coal mine.

[Anonymous]

Read "The Highly Sensitive Child" and see if other characteristics line up (I think there is a quiz/checklist(. If so, the book is a good resource for parenting a sensitive kid.

https://hsperson.com/books/the-highly-sensitive-child/

HSP, with a HSC

[Anonymous]

This is my DD8 to a tee. Things are fine at home since no one is yelling and we have good relationships.

But she is really, really struggling in public school. Observing teachers yelling at other kids or at the whole group multiple times a day is causing her great stress. She breaks down at bedtime and just can’t handle it.

How can I make her more tolerant to the classroom yelling? It’s like her nervous system cannot be convinced it’s not about her. She also empathizes with some of the kids and feels insecure about frazzled teachers.

I can’t switch schools for various reasons and with the lack of individual consequences for kids these days I’m afraid she’s in for many years of angry, frustrated teachers and stressful classrooms. Any advice appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am i the picky who thinks that is a good thing? That sounds like healthy boundary

Yeah, but the poor preschooler is trapped in that family until adulthood. It will be a traumatic upbringing, for sure. The kid is the canary in ops dysfunctional coal mine.

Not just trapped in that family unit until adulthood; it might also be that they are trapped in a body which does not correspond with their true gender. Have you asked them about this, OP? Many therapists in 2025 specialize in this area; maybe have your child talk to one of them to check it out?