I am not a troll: my kid can’t handle being yelled at, at all
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Anonymous
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I swear I’m not a troll and Idgaf about the culture wars or anything like that.
My preschooler is delightful, brave, and kind. I love them and we have what I think is a pretty secure and gentle but authoritative parenting style. We have rules and boundaries and consequences. But we almost never raise our voices. Like, almost never. And I’ve realized that if I raise my voice at my kiddo at all, they burst into tears. Today it was a push on the stairs in a bad moment. I said “we do not push on the stairs” in I mean, a loud and stern voice. It’s the voice I would use on a dog doing something naughty. It wasn’t out of control angry or anything. I think it was totally appropriate given the importance of not pushing on the stairs. It caused a full meltdown of tears and general despair. Is this just an age phase? Or am I creating a kid who isn’t going to be able to play sports or work in a firehouse or whatever? I don’t need to worry about this, right? |
Anonymous
| It's good they don't tolerate it. Means they are not desensitized to you being angry at them. It'll shake out. But yes some kids are more emotional to it. My DH never actually yells but he gets stern on there occasions. That gets more of a reaction than when I'm stern. |
Anonymous
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If it’s an occasional issue then it’s probably due to thinks like lack of sleep or low blood sugar.
If it’s a lot, then maybe something else. My kid would get very upset if he felt he’d done the wrong thing, people were mad at him, or there was a lot of attention on him. He had anxiety, though it’s usually well-managed these days. For him, we didn’t need to yell or use strong voices or anything like that. He was as upset with himself over anything wrong, so there’s no need to pile on. It just made him feel worse and didn’t help behavior. |
Anonymous
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My kid is older (eight) and is pretty much the same way. We don't yell but we do plenty of correction and she can usually handle that, but not always. She's sensitive. I don't go out of my way to yell at her, but I also don't go out of my way to avoid correcting her in appropriate ways that might mean tears. That said, we've never had to deal with unsafe behavior like pushing on the stairs, that would earn a more stern response.
That said, I'm not too worried about the response to yelling. Getting yelled at is a pretty rare thing in most people's adult lives. |
Anonymous
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Yelling is trashy and rude, especially at children. And yeah, you're right, it's how you would talk to a very stupid dog. So I think you're on the right track with how to correct. You can be firm, no-nonsense, and direct without yelling.
And I'm not some kind of "gentle parenting" hippie. My kids would get a swat on the bottom when that was necessary. But no need to ever yell at a toddler unless it's to save his life. |
Anonymous
| This was me as a child. For me it was anxiety, and my general people pleasing nature - it really upset me to think someone was mad at me. |
Anonymous
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Really hard to tell from your question, but one data point - I know a kid like this, and from my perspective, she’s pretty emotionally coddled. I’m all for giving kids space to express and process their emotions and to validate them, but ANY thing this kid feels is taken as the Number 1 Priority in the moment. She’s an only child, four years old, and if she’s sad about something, both parents drop everything and are there soothing and consoling her and talking to her and hugging her, and it’s like, dude, she dropped a cracker. She’ll live.
She’s also a bit anxious, and I think her parents inadvertently reinforce it by being overly accommodating. If she’s “too scared” to do something, then they just cancel the whole thing. No idea if it’s a similar situation with you, but two things to look out for. |
Anonymous
| Am i the picky who thinks that is a good thing? That sounds like healthy boundary |
Anonymous
| This is a good thing. The handful of times I have yelled at my kids (they are teens) there was a safety issue and they knew to stop immediately because I never yell unless it really matters. Pushing on the stairs is a fair yell event, people die or break necks falling down stairs. |
Anonymous
| My preschooler is the same. From the way my MIL talks, it sounds like my SIL was too. She's quite impressive now. |
Anonymous
Cool story bro |
Anonymous
| Well, think how you would feel if someone yelled at you! It’s horrible. And kids are not as strong as adults. So really it makes sense that their loved one yelling is scary. |
Anonymous
| I mean, they are super young. Why would you yell at them unless they are in danger? |
Anonymous
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My niece is 9, and a perfectly normal well-adjusted kid. But as a toddler and preschooler (and maybe even in K and 1) she could NOT handle being yelled at or even having a raised voice. She couldn't watch a movie where a kid got yelled at. This was just her thing.
She now doesn't like it, but doesn't fall apart. No big deal. Also, your kid is not your dog - don't talk to them like they are. |
Anonymous
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They cry because they are unused to it and are scared. You can use this very occasionally to get a behavior change. My kid was like this, and after the tears or tantrum, he avoided the thing that caused the negative effect. In our case it was running into the street and starting to climb over a balcony. Even as he aged, the very occasional blowout could be a learning tool. Do it all the time it loses its power and you create a kid who is worried.
Your kid does not run your house. You do. |