Knowing when you're *done* having kids

[Anonymous]

I can't tell you if you're done having kids, but I can tell you don't junk up your house with baby crap for a maybe. You're not making the decision to not have more kids by giving away your exersaucer that has been run through by 3 kids. If you have a happy oopsie PG just replace the baby crap with used stuff. It is not so precious it is worth hording. I noticed a neighbor was pregnant and offloaded a bunch of my stuff and now we're BFFs. I would like more but at the moment we're not in that position. If circumstances force us to not have more, which we seem to be heading toward that direction, I don't want baby crap overflowing my closets to remind me

[Anonymous]

I knew I only wanted one when I started feeling sorry for moms with more than one kid out in public.

[Anonymous]

Oh I knew I was done after 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you know when you were done having children? We always wanted three, have three, and it's certainly busy enough that I'm not sure I'd have energy for a fourth and I'm probably too old. But I'm having a hard time giving away baby items... "just in case." And every time I look at our third, the baby, I feel this sense of mourning about it being the last time I have a baby this little. But I know that I'm getting older, and my husband and I need our energy for our three beautiful existing children... How did you *know*?

I felt this too, especially when I stopped breastfeeding my last. Even though I knew I didn't want anymore, I still was sad about it being the last of each stage/milestone.

[Anonymous]

Normal. I had 3, and felt complete, but still couldn’t close the door and give baby stuff away until my youngest was 4. I liked to keep the stuff just in case, even though I knew a 4th was not a good idea for many reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 3. In the baby/toddler/early elementary age, it was physically demanding but I had a rhythm with my husband to manage and actually enjoy that phase. So much so, that in the midst, I could have easily signed on for a 4th.

The things is that life is unpredictable. Your healthy family now is no guarantee for the long term. A critical illness or a job loss or a child developing mental illness or discovering learning difficulties are all umknowns but distinct possibilities.

I know that this sounds pessimistic, which I promise is not the intent. What I mean to express is that thing happen, life happens and there a lot of things upstream that will be out of your control. As kids get bigger, so do the challenges.

All this. I felt the same way in those younger years, but now with 2 out of 3 kids in middle school, I’m so glad I didn’t have a 4th. Parenting is way more challenging with older kids. Not as physically demanding 24/7, but mentally way more so. The stakes feel much higher when dealing with older kids. Also, the cost is $$$$$.

[Anonymous]

When my husband and I had been hemming and hawing about it, but I felt like I was approaching an age where we needed to make a decision by x date so we sat down to have a focused decision-oriented conversation about it. Ultimately, we decided not to go for a third. He was less for it than I, but willing if I strongly wanted another (I was only 50/50 on it). I think it came down to- I love the idea of a third, but also overwhelmed enough with the combo of 2 kids & all of my work and other responsibilities (parental health issues etc) while trying to maintain some minimal sense of self/boundaries and have a consistent fitness routine.

I must say I felt very alone and isolated in this decision- I feel like everyone is either “I want another” or “hell no I’m done!” and people don’t really vocalize the true struggle of indecision and how hard that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my body kept saying:

"Hey Larla, you've been trying for a while, but you've got endometriosis, an autoimmune disease, a coagulation problem, all three of which are known to reduced fertility by themselves, let alone together, AND I've just decided to go into perimenopause. Might want to get a pet or something..."

Took me a while to get the message, but my body has been amazingly consistent. 7 weeks, bam, miscarriage 5 times in a row.

And I had none of these by diagnosis but also had 5 miscarriages in a row. Subclinically I had all of these. Got them treated by a RI and had my 3rd. It broke my body. Without a doubt, I can't continue to risk my health for babies.

I've had 2 friends push their bodies too far. They both lost their babies, uterus and almost their life.

[Anonymous]

Right after the delivery of my third I was thinking about. The delivery was relatively easy as it was fast but no time for epidural. You fall in love with the baby and know it’s temporary pain. I also have all boys so hoping for the girl with the fourth. I always wanted 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just here to say that I too just had my third and know in my brain it has to be the last (pregnancy is miserable, C-sections are terrible, rolling the dice because we have a healthy family, money etc etc etc) but I can’t bring myself to give away the baby things. I saw something on instagram that said something like “all his firsts will be my lasts” and I think about it all the time 😭 so I don’t know that you ever know. I think time passes and life carries on…good luck and hugs

I’m struggling with the same and it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I’m mourning the pass of time, weaning so much, got myself on an SSRI this time around. It sucks but hoping with the passage of time I will get over it. Also have 3…

[Anonymous]

I have three. It was sad closing that chapter. But now with my youngest at 5, I cannot imagine having the money, mental bandwidth and attention to give another child. I love my kids and that exciting time of life; it was more mourning the end of that stage. I have an incredible full partner whom I love and we love our kids. It’s just expensive, and very tiring… logistics now are the issue rather than the physical tiredness that was there when they were younger. And soon, preteen and teenage stuff.

I always felt I did well I chaos and I think that’s still true. I maintain a calm. So I feel like I could have handled it… but it was more the sadensss of that period of my life while was pretty long being over.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 and am a little sad about not having another baby. But when I had 2 it was more than that — our family didn’t feel complete, I felt sad when I saw families with 3 kids not knowing if that was in the cards for us. It’s easier for me to see the perks of stopping now and I don’t long for another child around my table. If I got pregnant by surprise I would be fine with it, but it’s not something I feel like I must do. But I don’t think I would ever be someone who felt happy to be done with the baby phase. I love the baby phase and miss it and will always feel wistful about it, I think.

[Anonymous]

I never understood feeling “done” but I sort of do now. My youngest of three is two years old. While I’m not wishing her time away I notice that I think more about what she will be doing when she is three, four, etc. I imagine our lives once we are out of the toddler stage and really delight in seeing her develop. With my first two babies I remember thinking I would be content if they never aged and stayed how they were. I wanted time to stop. This difference has indicated to me that I am done. Now, I still feel sad and mopey when cleaning out baby stuff. That might be unavoidable for some no matter the number of kids.

[Anonymous]

I would love to have another child but we simply cannot afford another one.

[Anonymous]

Honest question … how do you afford to send 3-4 kids to college?