Do they criticize your parenting?

[Anonymous]

Never criticizes us. Very appreciative and initiated taking care of us after college...as in thoughtful treats and we apparently can't cross the street safely on our own. It's so sweet.

[Anonymous]

My daughter has criticized some of my parenting. We had a discussion about it, and I realized we remembered the same situations or conversations differently. Afterward, I realized that makes sense because she remembered them from a child's POV and I remembered them an adult's POV. That helped me understand her beliefs about her childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just say I did the best i could with the knowledge and resources that i had. And secretly think: just wait until YOU become a parent!

I’m a parent now and that answer is garbage.

We all sometimes don’t do our best. Sometimes I make scrambled eggs and toast instead of vegetables— I have the resources and I did something else. We hope that we are able to do our best when it really matters but we don’t actually know, and so we need to be ready to take responsibility and not make weak excuses.

Claiming you always did your best is just a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just say I did the best i could with the knowledge and resources that i had. And secretly think: just wait until YOU become a parent!

I’m a parent now and that answer is garbage.

We all sometimes don’t do our best. Sometimes I make scrambled eggs and toast instead of vegetables— I have the resources and I did something else. We hope that we are able to do our best when it really matters but we don’t actually know, and so we need to be ready to take responsibility and not make weak excuses.

Claiming you always did your best is just a lie.

The resources are not just having the vegetables. Having the energy to put that meal together is also a resource. If you don’t have the energy, scrambled eggs is the best you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just say I did the best i could with the knowledge and resources that i had. And secretly think: just wait until YOU become a parent!

I’m a parent now and that answer is garbage.

We all sometimes don’t do our best. Sometimes I make scrambled eggs and toast instead of vegetables— I have the resources and I did something else. We hope that we are able to do our best when it really matters but we don’t actually know, and so we need to be ready to take responsibility and not make weak excuses.

Claiming you always did your best is just a lie.

The resources are not just having the vegetables. Having the energy to put that meal together is also a resource. If you don’t have the energy, scrambled eggs is the best you can do.

Scrambled eggs isn’t the best you can do— scrambled eggs is what you chose. Maybe you chose to use that energy to read books to your kid and maybe you chose to use it sitting in front of the television but own your choices. Even if you were tired you were capable of cooking a vegetable.

[Anonymous]

I’ve criticized my parents parenting, in the sense that I am raising my own kids differently. But I also recognize that my circumstances are different than theirs, so I’d be raising my own kids differently anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just say I did the best i could with the knowledge and resources that i had. And secretly think: just wait until YOU become a parent!

I’m a parent now and that answer is garbage.

We all sometimes don’t do our best. Sometimes I make scrambled eggs and toast instead of vegetables— I have the resources and I did something else. We hope that we are able to do our best when it really matters but we don’t actually know, and so we need to be ready to take responsibility and not make weak excuses.

Claiming you always did your best is just a lie.

Hmm, scrambled eggs is a better option. Eggs are a wonderful food. Some vegetables are mostly just water and don't have much protein, if any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve criticized my parents parenting, in the sense that I am raising my own kids differently. But I also recognize that my circumstances are different than theirs, so I’d be raising my own kids differently anyway.

I didn't criticize my upbringing, but I'm definitely doing things differently. Sometimes that is all that needs to be done.

[Anonymous]

Ha, we just watched an episode of the Middle last night where the mom was asking all her kids if they would do anything differently when they were parents. I told mine - don't tell me your answers until you have kids! Because parenthood/adulthood can be a little harder than it looks.

But my mom and I reflect on this sometimes. She has some regrets as a mom, just like I do so far, and there are some things she did that I promised never to do when I had kids. But she always supported me, was proud of me, supported my interests, and loved me for who I was (she always had this dream of becoming this popular, trendy person with all the "right" things, and I have never been a popular, trendy person who cared about stuff). She is well aware of things I wish she would have changed, but she is also well aware that I think she was and still is a great mom and there is no one else I would have traded her for. Being a "great" mom doesn't mean being perfect - there's really no such thing anyway.

[Anonymous]

You know, my sister and I had very different feedback for our parents... So a lot of it is subjective at both ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha, we just watched an episode of the Middle last night where the mom was asking all her kids if they would do anything differently when they were parents. I told mine - don't tell me your answers until you have kids! Because parenthood/adulthood can be a little harder than it looks.

But my mom and I reflect on this sometimes. She has some regrets as a mom, just like I do so far, and there are some things she did that I promised never to do when I had kids. But she always supported me, was proud of me, supported my interests, and loved me for who I was (she always had this dream of becoming this popular, trendy person with all the "right" things, and I have never been a popular, trendy person who cared about stuff). She is well aware of things I wish she would have changed, but she is also well aware that I think she was and still is a great mom and there is no one else I would have traded her for. Being a "great" mom doesn't mean being perfect - there's really no such thing anyway.

This seems very healthy.

[Anonymous]

The very ability to give criticism suggests receptivity to the information.
I'm 55 and I have only criticized my mother's parenting ONCE because she could not take it. And it was a light criticism (she parked her kids in front of the TV and we all developed myopia as we scooched closer and closer to the tv as she yelled louder and louder during her gossip sessions with her friends on the phone). There was much much worse in the form of abuse and parental alienation.
I know her personality well enough to understand that any criticism is pointless and would dissolve into a fight. So to this day she is clueless why her kids moved far away from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The very ability to give criticism suggests receptivity to the information.
I'm 55 and I have only criticized my mother's parenting ONCE because she could not take it. And it was a light criticism (she parked her kids in front of the TV and we all developed myopia as we scooched closer and closer to the tv as she yelled louder and louder during her gossip sessions with her friends on the phone). There was much much worse in the form of abuse and parental alienation.
I know her personality well enough to understand that any criticism is pointless and would dissolve into a fight. So to this day she is clueless why her kids moved far away from her.

Follow up - the only reason she still has a relationship with her kids is because of our innate desire for a mother. Maybe it's also due to her willfull obliviousness to her faults.
So it is kind of a representational relationship, by that, I mean kind of surface-y.

If your parents have life-long friendships, that says something about them as a person, even with all their personality faults.
My mother has lost a lot of old friendships because of bad history or embarassment about what she'd done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just say I did the best i could with the knowledge and resources that i had. And secretly think: just wait until YOU become a parent!

I’m a parent now and that answer is garbage.

We all sometimes don’t do our best. Sometimes I make scrambled eggs and toast instead of vegetables— I have the resources and I did something else. We hope that we are able to do our best when it really matters but we don’t actually know, and so we need to be ready to take responsibility and not make weak excuses.

Claiming you always did your best is just a lie.

The resources are not just having the vegetables. Having the energy to put that meal together is also a resource. If you don’t have the energy, scrambled eggs is the best you can do.

Scrambled eggs isn’t the best you can do— scrambled eggs is what you chose. Maybe you chose to use that energy to read books to your kid and maybe you chose to use it sitting in front of the television but own your choices. Even if you were tired you were capable of cooking a vegetable.

So you intentionally deprived your children of a good mother. Shame on you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, are the critiques valid?

This. My kids are still teens, but my 17 yo gives me unrequested "feedback." When he does this, I listen to him, confirm I understand what he is saying and then I address it. Most of the time, he is full of it. Sometimes, he has a legitimate gripe, like my being overprotective. I changed that and explained why I was that way (nothing to do with him) and told him I am making an effort to ease up. I know he will come to me with something in the future and I will acknowledge his feelings and experience. I will apologize and acknowledge his feelings.