BIL automatically invited to any and all events?

[Anonymous]

Does your BIL not have friends of his own?

[Anonymous]

He should feel welcome to come to family events and holidays but not events unrelated to family unless he personally knows them.

[Anonymous]

Is this cultural? Some families are more like this. I would still find some compromise - he's welcome to come over for the major holidays, everything else requires an explicit invitation.

[Anonymous]

I'm the single adult sister and am invited to almost every holiday dinner they throw. Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Passover, etc. I'm invited to the kids birthday parties and birthday dinners. I am invited to dance recitals and gymnastics showcases. I went Trick or Treating with them once or twice. But haven't done that in several years.

I've only gone on one vacation with them, and they've gone on more than a dozen-20 without me. And if they're going to a friend I am definitely not tagging along. That would be weird.

[Anonymous]

It's unfortunate that you don't appreciate family. You should be inviting BIL and happy that he cares enough about you and your DH to spend time with you Think about if the tables were turned or if someday you lose DH. You may appreciate the relationship that you have with BIL at that point. Focus on ways to bring more people in, not push people out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's unfortunate that you don't appreciate family. You should be inviting BIL and happy that he cares enough about you and your DH to spend time with you Think about if the tables were turned or if someday you lose DH. You may appreciate the relationship that you have with BIL at that point. Focus on ways to bring more people in, not push people out.

NP
I’m very open door, lots of family have keys, you never know who might show up. That said, my family would never expect to go to an event where the host was a total stranger, nor do they make nuisances of themselves. BIL in this situation sounds like he wants all of the benefits of family-status and guest-status. Also, spouses need to be on the same page about this kind of stuff. Some people naturally feel the same and others have to work out compromises. It’s not a one size fits all. OP isn’t trying to exclude BIL, she just wants some reasonable boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's unfortunate that you don't appreciate family. You should be inviting BIL and happy that he cares enough about you and your DH to spend time with you Think about if the tables were turned or if someday you lose DH. You may appreciate the relationship that you have with BIL at that point. Focus on ways to bring more people in, not push people out.

Seriously you think he should be coming along to dinner parties that he wasn’t invited to? Get some couth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has a single adult brother. Over the past decade, BIL just comes to anything we are doing. DH seems to think that BIL has an open invite to any holiday, birthday or if we are doing nothing. Even when we are going to someone else’s home, DH seems to think it is ok to bring a tagalong guest.

Do you automatically invite your adult sibling(s) to your events?

Now BIL has a girlfriend that I’m not a fan of so BIL has an open invitation with his plus 1. DH seems to think this is no big deal and his brother is always welcome.

Are you talking about a relative’s home? Like he brings his brother along to their cousin’s home?

[Anonymous]

How old are all of you?

[Anonymous]

I do think of my home as open to my siblings and my husband's, but going elsewhere with you is not okay! Now that he has a gf he should be asking before bringing her over.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t he get invited to his own social events? Does he invite you and your DH along?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No this is strange. Your DH is acting like he’s 10 years old and his mother constantly told him to bring along his younger brother. DH and his brother are adults now, not little kids.

You also get 50% of the vote whether an extended family member gets invited to your house and events.

This all started when BIL was in college and grad school and we lived closer than their mom. For holidays like Christmas or Thanksgiving, BIL would just come to our house instead of going home to his mom. I used to be annoyed when there was no plan for him to come. He often would decide to come over the same day.

Now he is a grown man. I’m having a party with mostly my friends and DH just invited his brother and his girlfriend. I feel the girlfriend changes the dynamic.

Well, I presume you will give off a bad vibe to the girlfriend and she soon won't want to be around you. This problem will resolve itself.

+1. Let his girlfriend be the one to talk to BIL about boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I think an open invite to events at your home should be fine, especially birthdays etc. Open invites to someone else’s home is not ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think an open invite to events at your home should be fine, especially birthdays etc. Open invites to someone else’s home is not ok.

I agree with this too. I think it is very common (my husband's sister and BIL have an open invite to anything at our house, and I know other families like this). I would never just invite them as tag-alongs to someone else's house. It sounds like one problem for OP is that the brother frequently decides to come last minute. My SIL and BIL are like this as well, basically coming if they have nothing "better" to do. And it is annoying. If it is something non-holiday or non-birthday related, I tell them we need to know numbers two weeks (or whatever) in advance. They frequently decline these types of events because they don't want to commit. Could work in OP's favor.

[Anonymous]

PP has high hopes for the girlfriend. She will be gone.