Help me with my New Year’s resolution re my impatience

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One piece of info- text him. Tell him you’ll text him when you just need a single piece of info and do it. Don’t ask questions if you don’t want a story.

The second example, talk to him about it and have a more subtle cue for when it’s not the right time. Maybe a tap on the arm, touching your nose, etc. But then allow him time later to talk about what was important to him.

The first is a you problem. You need to learn to listen. Maybe you’ll be more patient if you have ways to minimize the opportunities for this. He calls you and you know it’s going to be 5 mins. If you don’t have 5 mins then tell him I don’t have time right now can we talk at x time.

Teach him to text for 1 piece of info.

Take 5 mins a night to discuss the day tomorrow and if things like a Dr appointment are scheduled then you should be on the same page about what’s important to discuss so there’s no question about why you stopped him. He should also be able to do the same to you if you go off topic.

Great idea about texting.
Disagree that the first is an OP problem. If someone tries to dominate my time but needs to get their thoughts together while they are doing it, that's a no-go for me. As someone who learned a foreign lanaguage, I would always always rehearse outside a shop. Would never dream of making someone wait while I stammered through something.

Get your thoughts togeter, FFS. Practicing can help you think on your feet better.

Don’t marry someone you can’t communicate with.

Oh wait….

[Anonymous]

OP, I can relate! I too am an impatient person, and have similar issues at home and at work. It's tough - I've also found that I am more of a product person (like to finish things and move onto the next) and others around me (spouse and work) are more process people, and enjoy the endless chatter about how they are going to do something - I just like to do it.

If you come up with any solutions, please do share.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this and was diagnosed with autism after our child was born. His testing showed that he has really slow processing speed and low working memory compared to his other abilities. He has terrible executive functioning skills. In practice, what that means is that he has a ton of trouble translating the thoughts in his head to verbal sentences. He also is not good at taking written information and putting it into a verbal sentence, and vice versa. So any conversation involving an email, calendar, or looking up and down from a screen is quite painful. He also gets mad when I ask him to formulate his thoughts before initiating a conversation. It’s exhausting and especially painful with outside people. I handle conversations with children’s medical providers, contractors, and school.

[Anonymous]

Eh, I think most middle aged women find their husband’s annoying about the time perimenopause hits. It’s like all their annoying habits are amplified as they age, while your tolerance for them plummets. Just pretend like he is coworker or stranger when he is being annoying and remember saying nothing is better than saying something rude or cold. Peace, sister. It isn’t just you.

[Anonymous]

This is an issue for me at home too, and I'm not in menopause. It comes from too much to do so I don't have time to wait for him to process. It does irritate him and I try to be patient. I finally said in the last month, let me explain why I am impatient - I can't relax or go to bed until I get through a certain part of my to do list, and you're delaying me. I work, he's retired. When he's tired or wants to relax, he just stops doing things. I can't often do that, so I need to be efficient and get through my list.

Another thing I've realized after years of marriage is that my husband doesn't enjoy the art of conversation. It's like English is his second language, and I can only speak fluently with my friends.

So - try to slow down but don't blame yourself for all of this.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I put together a list from your suggestions, pasted below for those who were following. We have both promised to work on our parts in this, which is why I’m not focusing on him here.

1. Less caffeine
2. Nicely ask him to talk later, then follow through
3. Set aside specific times to talk
4. Shared calendar (already implemented)
5. Ask myself why is it difficult for me to listen?
6. Treat him as I would coworker/stranger
7. Just breathe & wait. Remember it will take longer if I interrupt
8. What can we change so I don’t feel so squeezed?
9. Cultural differences? (Yes!)
10. Use text when possible
11. Subtle redirect signals & agreements re our plan when needed
12. Anxiety? Anxiety meds?
13. Practice mindfulness
14. Civility/kindness
15. Remember my way is not only way/I’m not smarter/my time is not more important (i.e. be respectful)
16. Remember different people process things differently
17. Better to be silent than rude/cold
18. Be gentle with myself

Any other tips? I think some of these are really good.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I just looked at my last post and have to laugh at myself. That list is so me. I want all the information distilled into the bit I find helpful and that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I just looked at my last post and have to laugh at myself. That list is so me. I want all the information distilled into the bit I find helpful and that’s it.

😄 At least you're self-aware.

Related to 7, 14, and 17, when this happens in public, YOU look like the bigger a-hole when you cut him off. So some self-shaming might help you here. Remind yourself that you are not being judged for your H's behavior, he is his own person, not a reflection of you. So just silently rage to yourself until he's done, smile and nod, and then you and the doc can get back to the point. If you cut him off, the doctor's memory of the day will switch from "that one dude rambles" to "OMG that poor dude, his wife's a total B!"