2nd Wife, Death of father, now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your loss OP.

My stepmother has been in the picture for almost 40 years and our relationship has always been rocky, at best. It’s improved in the last decade as she’s softened a bit but she’s done some very hurtful things over the years. My dad is likely to die first and my brother and I have started talking about what our responsibilities are toward her. She has no kids of her own and has separate finances from my dad and we have no way of knowing what support she may need. We’ve tried talking to both of them about what they want, living will, etc and they will not discuss.

It is very hard to imagine keeping a relationship with her after my dad passes, but also we’ve spent the past 20 christmases together and my kids know her as one of their grandmothers so it’s hard to imagine not keeping a relationship with her either.

In your shoes, I’d be kind and polite and try to slow fade. She is probably also trying to figure out how to navigate this.

Op here, and this is precisely what I mean. My dad's wife's path in my life was short and unimpactful. Whatever brief memories she has with my dad are things I don't care about. I don't care about their vacation to the Bahamas and some funny story he may have told her there. I care about the memories he made with my mother. Whereas with you, there was more "glue" bonding you to your dad's wife due to the years/time she's put in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you in the will or is she?

He had a trust set up for my brothers and me.

[Anonymous]

She’ll stop contacting you once she meets someone new.

[Anonymous]

I would just keep it very light. A few cards a year. A couple of lunches if she’s local.

[Anonymous]

My mom (and the rest of us) basically never spoke to her Dad’s second wife again after the funeral. My mom blamed her for basically abandoning my grandfather when he could no longer care for himself. She insisted he be moved out of their home because she didn’t want to be stuck caring for him and when he was in assisted living she almost never visited and just moved on with her life. It was a huge thing and my mom HATED her.

[Anonymous]

There is no reason to maintain a relationship with a stepmother, ever.

Why would you need to keep them in your life once your father passes?

Any woman, at any age, who remarries should KNOW this and prepare accordingly. The stepkids have no interest in you nor the time spent with their father. It doesn't matter if it's two years or fifty years.

As OP said, "I care about the memories he made with my mother."

Original family comes first. Anyone else added later is expendable - including spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your loss OP.

My stepmother has been in the picture for almost 40 years and our relationship has always been rocky, at best. ...

It is very hard to imagine keeping a relationship with her after my dad passes, but also we’ve spent the past 20 christmases together and my kids know her as one of their grandmothers so it’s hard to imagine not keeping a relationship with her either.

Why would you want to? Just because she's been around for 40 years and is a pseudo-grandmother to your kids, doesn't mean you have to maintain any kind of contact. I

If your dad passes first simply tell your kids that there is no reason to maintain a relationship with her because she REALLY isn't a grandmother, that was just what you called her to make your dad happy. It will be a chance for your kids to learn that not everyone is entitled to stay in their lives, especially if they are difficult people to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you paranoid? Maybe she wants to have a relationship with you to keep her connection to your father. Maybe she's trying to be supportive of you.

Not paranoid; I just feel like our path has ended. I have no reason to keep in contact. I was just curious about others' experiences.

It gets harder to make connections as you age. She may be genuinely trying to maintain the ones she has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
For those of you who've had a parent remarry while you are an adult and then the parent passes away, what happened with your relationship with the second spouse after your parent passed? I am currently navigating this situation. My dad remarried after my mom passed, and at the time of the remarriage, I was already well into adulthood and established, so there was no traditional stepparent relationship.

My dad recently passed away; he and his second spouse had been married for two years at the time of his passing. I have a cordial relationship with the second wife, but nothing beyond the surface. I can count on one hand the times I've been around her in person. I assumed his passing would naturally end my relationship with her. However, she continues to reach out post-death, and I am uninterested. I've never trusted her and feel her outreach has an agenda. Would you gently state as much or ignore the contact and assume it will fade with time?

Hey Op, I don’t think this woman is after your thousands. She might be in shock and also lonely especially if this is her first holiday alone or she has no family of her own

[Anonymous]

Do what is best for you. If you don’t want to have a relationship, you don’t have to. I haven’t spoken to my dad’s wife since the funeral. They were married for longer than my parents were married but we were never close. I’m sure she has said terrible things about me to her family but I don’t care. My kids felt bad bc they liked her but she could have contacted them and chose not to.

[Anonymous]

I would not make a point of telling her you are done with her. Just slow fade it. My father died and my mom is a widow. And while I see your very legitimate reasons behind being done with this woman it is probably nice that your dad was a little less lonely during those two years even if she didn’t support him the way she should have at the end. I would just be nice in recognition of that. My mom has not remarried and I wish she had someone at home with her every day to keep her company (and I see her 2-3xs a week).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
For those of you who've had a parent remarry while you are an adult and then the parent passes away, what happened with your relationship with the second spouse after your parent passed? I am currently navigating this situation. My dad remarried after my mom passed, and at the time of the remarriage, I was already well into adulthood and established, so there was no traditional stepparent relationship.

My dad recently passed away; he and his second spouse had been married for two years at the time of his passing. I have a cordial relationship with the second wife, but nothing beyond the surface. I can count on one hand the times I've been around her in person. I assumed his passing would naturally end my relationship with her. However, she continues to reach out post-death, and I am uninterested. I've never trusted her and feel her outreach has an agenda. Would you gently state as much or ignore the contact and assume it will fade with time?

Hey Op, I don’t think this woman is after your thousands. She might be in shock and also lonely especially if this is her first holiday alone or she has no family of her own

I didn’t read everything when I wrote that, obviously I wouldn’t be too keen on keeping a relationship going with someone who didn’t bother to visit my parent in hospice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no reason to maintain a relationship with a stepmother, ever.

Why would you need to keep them in your life once your father passes?

Any woman, at any age, who remarries should KNOW this and prepare accordingly. The stepkids have no interest in you nor the time spent with their father. It doesn't matter if it's two years or fifty years.

As OP said, "I care about the memories he made with my mother."

Original family comes first. Anyone else added later is expendable - including spouses.

Well, that’s not true across the board. Every situation is different. My stepdad entered my life when I was 7 and was a hugely important relationship. He passed when I was 44 and I miss him every day.

If a step-parent didn’t help raise you/wasn’t a caregiver l, I imagine it’s very different.

[Anonymous]

Just be polite and cordial, at arm’s length. Decline invitations, if you don’t wish to see her. It will fade in time.

Of course, if she treated your father poorly you don’t even have to answer her calls or have any relationship whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

If you didn't have much of a relationship before, no. My dad's girlfriend of maybe 5-6 years was horrible to me at his passing and took over the funeral with my sibling, changed the date, didn't tell us, took everything, took money out of his account, etc. She occasionally reached out for drama and my mom and sibling responded and I just ignore all of them. She never once invited us for a meal or treated me like family before his death, so why pretend after.