Divorce with an infant - career?

[Anonymous]

Get an au pair who is a good driver and can transport your kids back and forth from the other parent's home.

[Anonymous]

Minimize the time everyone spends in transit, would be my advice. I’ve known a lot of high powered dual career couples and high powered single moms and I’ve noticed the happiest ones live, work, and send their kids to school in a small radius. Preferably a walkable radius, though that’s not always possible. Even if it means living in a smaller home, minimizing commute time and headaches around transporting kids is extremely valuable.

[Anonymous]

Nanny or two. Definitely have back up help even if you end up with one full-time nanny.

I'm also a lawyer (although married), so I say find really good help and pay them very, very well. We paid our nanny a ton and guaranteed a certain number of hours every week even if she didn't end up working that much. Also get a house manager person to help with groceries, meal prep, get cleaners, etc. Throw money at every task you have to do so that when you're not working you can spend as much time as possible with your kid rather than running to Target for a return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The nice thing about an au pair in this situation is the au pair's hours aren't a fixed schedule, as long as you don't go over the weekly limit.

Also the au pair could go back and forth between your houses so the baby has consistent care.

The only thing that would be better is hiring someone who can sign a 2-3 year contract. That’s best for your child in terms of attachment, and they will need stability because for young children changing environments and caregivers is really hard.

[Anonymous]

For the hours you'll have to work to keep hitting the 2000, let alone the 2,400 you want to hit for partner, you will need two nannies. Even at a biglaw associate salary, it will be a financial hit.

I'd immediately create a realistic budget and plan accordingly. It will be important to come up with a nanny schedule because--if you're honest--you'll see that 40 hours won't cut it and you'll need a second to split it. Moreover, you'll need the second to fill in for the first when there is an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny or two. Definitely have back up help even if you end up with one full-time nanny.

I'm also a lawyer (although married), so I say find really good help and pay them very, very well. We paid our nanny a ton and guaranteed a certain number of hours every week even if she didn't end up working that much. Also get a house manager person to help with groceries, meal prep, get cleaners, etc. Throw money at every task you have to do so that when you're not working you can spend as much time as possible with your kid rather than running to Target for a return.

How do I find a house manager?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Minimize the time everyone spends in transit, would be my advice. I’ve known a lot of high powered dual career couples and high powered single moms and I’ve noticed the happiest ones live, work, and send their kids to school in a small radius. Preferably a walkable radius, though that’s not always possible. Even if it means living in a smaller home, minimizing commute time and headaches around transporting kids is extremely valuable.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Minimize the time everyone spends in transit, would be my advice. I’ve known a lot of high powered dual career couples and high powered single moms and I’ve noticed the happiest ones live, work, and send their kids to school in a small radius. Preferably a walkable radius, though that’s not always possible. Even if it means living in a smaller home, minimizing commute time and headaches around transporting kids is extremely valuable.

Yeah… one issue has been moving from dupont to a car suburb at my wife’s insistence. It’s really degraded my quality of life. she doesn’t understand that adding 40 min commuting to go to dinner or the gym, not to mention a hour to work, while working 60+,hrs a week, is miserable. I’m now looking at a rental that is at least walking distance from the metro.

Anyway lots of great ideas here, thanks everyone. I will be getting an au pair and house manager even if we stay together.

+1

[Anonymous]

You may find 50/50 to be easier then the situation you have now. Because while 50/50 means that you are solo parenting 50% of the time, it also means you aren’t parenting at all the other 50%.

I agree that a nanny who can work at both homes is ideal. Try to keep both homes within walkable distance to save a lot of headaches about transfers/stuff left behind/etc.

Post in the special concerns forum if you want to hear more from people who have actually experienced different custody arrangements rather than married ppl opining on how hard it might be.

[Anonymous]

Google households manager staffing agency to find a list of companies that handle this.

[Anonymous]

I agree on you needing help so look into that but I would try to hand in a little longer until the infant is out of diapers and sleeping during the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have an 11 month old with my wife -we are both women. It’s her genetic child but I carried. Our marriage was rocky but then got better but has really gone down the shitter since she retired (armed forces). We are separating.

It looks like I may be splitting custody in a divorce soon. Affording a new place and hiring help isn’t a problem but my parents cant come help so half the time it’ll be just me. Im assuming she’ll have right of first refusal but I am concerned about late nights and travel, and getting fired. I also do want my own genetic child or children so there may be another on the way - I have a few years left to do it.

Anyway, the question: I am a senior associate at a biglaw firm. I love my job and I want to make partner. My firm has a 2000 requirement and is fairly reasonable compared to some others. I’ve had successful years while also being sick as a dog pregnant and doing a lot of outside projects so I don’t need to spend every waking minute working.

Anyone successfully had a high powered career with 50/50 custody? Or SMBC? Tips and tricks? Would love to hear from men and primary breadwinners too.

I did it as a single mom of a child that young for a few years with 90% custody (ex took off). I needed a combination of a full-time nanny and a "preschool" (of course, at that age, it was more of a daycare). So, I'd drop my child off at 8:00 am and go to work, and the nanny would pick up the child around Noon and stay with the child until at least 7 pm. Those years were quite miserable, and I barely saw my child, but at the time, it was all I could do to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Once I had my own clients, I moved on to a position with much better hours and flexibility but still a high salary.