Divorce with an infant - career?

[Anonymous]

Have an 11 month old with my wife -we are both women. It’s her genetic child but I carried. Our marriage was rocky but then got better but has really gone down the shitter since she retired (armed forces). We are separating.

It looks like I may be splitting custody in a divorce soon. Affording a new place and hiring help isn’t a problem but my parents cant come help so half the time it’ll be just me. Im assuming she’ll have right of first refusal but I am concerned about late nights and travel, and getting fired. I also do want my own genetic child or children so there may be another on the way - I have a few years left to do it.

Anyway, the question: I am a senior associate at a biglaw firm. I love my job and I want to make partner. My firm has a 2000 requirement and is fairly reasonable compared to some others. I’ve had successful years while also being sick as a dog pregnant and doing a lot of outside projects so I don’t need to spend every waking minute working.

Anyone successfully had a high powered career with 50/50 custody? Or SMBC? Tips and tricks? Would love to hear from men and primary breadwinners too.

[Anonymous]

If you can swing it financially I'd get a nanny. Even just to have around the house as backup.

[Anonymous]

Everyone I know who was biglaw with an infant had a nanny (hilariously for one friend her firm found and paid for the nanny as a benefit).

[Anonymous]

You need a nanny. You'll probably have to pay for time you don't use in order to make it a full time job. But that's not that out of the ordinary.

[Anonymous]

Hire a nanny and also establish relationship(s) with reliable babysitters.

[Anonymous]

Nanny or au pair. Check your hours and see what makes sense.

Best would be if your child can have the same caretaker in both houses. Going back and forth is very tricky for children under 3 or even under 5. The more consistency the more chance they will develop secure attachment.

[Anonymous]

Your ex is going to have a very strong case for more than 50% and/or right of first refusal if your plan is for your infant to spend long hours with a nanny while you work. How much time do you spend with the baby now? You can’t expect to get 50% custody while working 8-8pm 6 days/week.

[Anonymous]

I have a big law friend who got divorced when her kids were in late ES, but I think this is still relevant--she worked crazy long hours when her ex-husband had the kids and then was able to go much lighter on her custody weeks. What does your wife do? Agree a shared nanny who goes back and forth with the kid is ideal.

But also. Are you sure this is what you want to do? Having an infant is HARD! Many of us felt like we wanted to divorce in those early days and then went on to have happy marriages. Be sure this is not just a combination of hormones and the adjustment to being a family of three with this needy little baby that makes you both feel like you are doing 95% of the work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a big law friend who got divorced when her kids were in late ES, but I think this is still relevant--she worked crazy long hours when her ex-husband had the kids and then was able to go much lighter on her custody weeks. What does your wife do? Agree a shared nanny who goes back and forth with the kid is ideal.

But also. Are you sure this is what you want to do? Having an infant is HARD! Many of us felt like we wanted to divorce in those early days and then went on to have happy marriages. Be sure this is not just a combination of hormones and the adjustment to being a family of three with this needy little baby that makes you both feel like you are doing 95% of the work!

OP here. Thanks everyone. I will find a nanny. It’s not my choice, I would work on the marriage, but she refuses therapy or help and there’s not much else I can do at this point except a trial separation. I might do the crazy long hours on off days thing - trying that now on the days I don’t have the baby in the evening.

My wife goes to school part time so is home quite a bit but doesn’t have the stamina to take more than 50% - she struggles at the moment when I’m on a one-night work trip.

And to the previous poster - I work full time while also doing 50% of the childcare (the baby is in daycare). I work 9-4 and then 8-12 and try to bill 5-6 hrs on the weekends or more when I can squeeze it in. I’m tired, but less so than when I was doing all of this and breastfeeding.

[Anonymous]

Hire help...
Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a big law friend who got divorced when her kids were in late ES, but I think this is still relevant--she worked crazy long hours when her ex-husband had the kids and then was able to go much lighter on her custody weeks. What does your wife do? Agree a shared nanny who goes back and forth with the kid is ideal.

But also. Are you sure this is what you want to do? Having an infant is HARD! Many of us felt like we wanted to divorce in those early days and then went on to have happy marriages. Be sure this is not just a combination of hormones and the adjustment to being a family of three with this needy little baby that makes you both feel like you are doing 95% of the work!

OP here. Thanks everyone. I will find a nanny. It’s not my choice, I would work on the marriage, but she refuses therapy or help and there’s not much else I can do at this point except a trial separation. I might do the crazy long hours on off days thing - trying that now on the days I don’t have the baby in the evening.

My wife goes to school part time so is home quite a bit but doesn’t have the stamina to take more than 50% - she struggles at the moment when I’m on a one-night work trip.

And to the previous poster - I work full time while also doing 50% of the childcare (the baby is in daycare). I work 9-4 and then 8-12 and try to bill 5-6 hrs on the weekends or more when I can squeeze it in. I’m tired, but less so than when I was doing all of this and breastfeeding.

you definitely need a nanny, probably two. the female law partner I know had both a nanny and an au pair. I also know a single mom by choice with a really big job including travel, and she has I think 2 nannies and an au pair. daycare is not going to cut it.

[Anonymous]

Wow. This sounds like a whole movie. Seriously consider selling the rights if you ever need income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a big law friend who got divorced when her kids were in late ES, but I think this is still relevant--she worked crazy long hours when her ex-husband had the kids and then was able to go much lighter on her custody weeks. What does your wife do? Agree a shared nanny who goes back and forth with the kid is ideal.

But also. Are you sure this is what you want to do? Having an infant is HARD! Many of us felt like we wanted to divorce in those early days and then went on to have happy marriages. Be sure this is not just a combination of hormones and the adjustment to being a family of three with this needy little baby that makes you both feel like you are doing 95% of the work!

OP here. Thanks everyone. I will find a nanny. It’s not my choice, I would work on the marriage, but she refuses therapy or help and there’s not much else I can do at this point except a trial separation. I might do the crazy long hours on off days thing - trying that now on the days I don’t have the baby in the evening.

My wife goes to school part time so is home quite a bit but doesn’t have the stamina to take more than 50% - she struggles at the moment when I’m on a one-night work trip.

And to the previous poster - I work full time while also doing 50% of the childcare (the baby is in daycare). I work 9-4 and then 8-12 and try to bill 5-6 hrs on the weekends or more when I can squeeze it in. I’m tired, but less so than when I was doing all of this and breastfeeding.

you definitely need a nanny, probably two. the female law partner I know had both a nanny and an au pair. I also know a single mom by choice with a really big job including travel, and she has I think 2 nannies and an au pair. daycare is not going to cut it.

Yeah, having a backup would be good. I knew a couple where both parents worked crazy high pressure jobs and they had a day nanny and a night nanny. It's just nice to not have to rely on only one person.

I had a caregiver for my mom and sometimes her sister would come and pick up hours or relieve me overnight. It's a lifesaver in those circumstances.

[Anonymous]

The nice thing about an au pair in this situation is the au pair's hours aren't a fixed schedule, as long as you don't go over the weekly limit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a big law friend who got divorced when her kids were in late ES, but I think this is still relevant--she worked crazy long hours when her ex-husband had the kids and then was able to go much lighter on her custody weeks. What does your wife do? Agree a shared nanny who goes back and forth with the kid is ideal.

But also. Are you sure this is what you want to do? Having an infant is HARD! Many of us felt like we wanted to divorce in those early days and then went on to have happy marriages. Be sure this is not just a combination of hormones and the adjustment to being a family of three with this needy little baby that makes you both feel like you are doing 95% of the work!

OP here. Thanks everyone. I will find a nanny. It’s not my choice, I would work on the marriage, but she refuses therapy or help and there’s not much else I can do at this point except a trial separation. I might do the crazy long hours on off days thing - trying that now on the days I don’t have the baby in the evening.

My wife goes to school part time so is home quite a bit but doesn’t have the stamina to take more than 50% - she struggles at the moment when I’m on a one-night work trip.

And to the previous poster - I work full time while also doing 50% of the childcare (the baby is in daycare). I work 9-4 and then 8-12 and try to bill 5-6 hrs on the weekends or more when I can squeeze it in. I’m tired, but less so than when I was doing all of this and breastfeeding.

you definitely need a nanny, probably two. the female law partner I know had both a nanny and an au pair. I also know a single mom by choice with a really big job including travel, and she has I think 2 nannies and an au pair. daycare is not going to cut it.

Yeah, having a backup would be good. I knew a couple where both parents worked crazy high pressure jobs and they had a day nanny and a night nanny. It's just nice to not have to rely on only one person.

I had a caregiver for my mom and sometimes her sister would come and pick up hours or relieve me overnight. It's a lifesaver in those circumstances.

Some employers have an emergency backup care benefit--OP should look into that.