S/o is the problem intensive parenting or lack of support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Intensive parenting causes the lack of support as parents don’t have time to have their own friends or their own lives. Too busy cultivating their kids so they can grab a spot in the shrinking middle class or smaller but bigger than it used to be UMC.

Some activities come with a support system though. Can’t deny that.

I’m getting my kids and I involved in a Church.

I literally don't even understand how to make close friends and have/be a support system in our modern society. We are not religious. We've made some okay friends with neighbors and through sports, but I wouldn't call any of these people a "support system" and none of them were around before my kids went to elementary school.

Yeah people always say it takes a village. Where is that village? It’s either people with family around OR it’s a mantra repeated by users who take advantage of others’ time and energy.

I'm a little sad reading this .. you don't have friends?

If a friend asks for help it's taking advantage?

You should share that with your therapist.

I don’t have friends. I have moved several times over the past 5 years. I have acquaintances through my friends. Family is all over the world, none remotely close to me. I had a therapist who moved to a different practice and left me too, lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Intensive parenting causes the lack of support as parents don’t have time to have their own friends or their own lives. Too busy cultivating their kids so they can grab a spot in the shrinking middle class or smaller but bigger than it used to be UMC.

Some activities come with a support system though. Can’t deny that.

I’m getting my kids and I involved in a Church.

I literally don't even understand how to make close friends and have/be a support system in our modern society. We are not religious. We've made some okay friends with neighbors and through sports, but I wouldn't call any of these people a "support system" and none of them were around before my kids went to elementary school.

Yeah people always say it takes a village. Where is that village? It’s either people with family around OR it’s a mantra repeated by users who take advantage of others’ time and energy.

I'm a little sad reading this .. you don't have friends?

If a friend asks for help it's taking advantage?

You should share that with your therapist.

I don’t have friends. I have moved several times over the past 5 years. I have acquaintances through my friends. Family is all over the world, none remotely close to me. I had a therapist who moved to a different practice and left me too, lol!

Well I mean obviously if you move multiple times in a such a short period, it’s tough to create that village. But for the majority of us, moving that frequently hasn’t been our experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Intensive parenting causes the lack of support as parents don’t have time to have their own friends or their own lives. Too busy cultivating their kids so they can grab a spot in the shrinking middle class or smaller but bigger than it used to be UMC.

Some activities come with a support system though. Can’t deny that.

I’m getting my kids and I involved in a Church.

I literally don't even understand how to make close friends and have/be a support system in our modern society. We are not religious. We've made some okay friends with neighbors and through sports, but I wouldn't call any of these people a "support system" and none of them were around before my kids went to elementary school.

I’ve lived in my current (non DC area) only about a year and have a network of close friends. Some through church yes. Others through neighborhood get togethers, kids’ school functions and volunteer work. You have to put in the effort to get results - you have to join groups, go out, be extroverted (at least at first). And yes, some areas of the country are friendlier and more open to meeting new people than others…that’s geographically specific, not an indictment of “modern society.”

[Anonymous]

We were relocated to a small southern town and the minute the neighborhood kids stepped off the school bus, they played in the streets together until dinnertime. Kids of all ages rode bikes together, hung out in backyards and on swingsets, and spent hours together outside on the weekends. No intense extracurriculars. Some kids played a rec sport, some did tutoring, but it was minimal. The parents had so much free time and were never fretting to keep their bored kids entertained or enriched. It was glorious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Intensive parenting causes the lack of support as parents don’t have time to have their own friends or their own lives. Too busy cultivating their kids so they can grab a spot in the shrinking middle class or smaller but bigger than it used to be UMC.

Some activities come with a support system though. Can’t deny that.

I’m getting my kids and I involved in a Church.

Other than the church bit I agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are you talking about? The results are disastrous. Mental health issues galore, lack of agency, lack of independence.

+1 what is op smoking study after study has shown intensive parenting is bad for kids, parents and ultimately society

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems that some people say that intensive parenting is the problem but the outcomes of it seem to be good- healthier kids, better relationship with parents etc. so is the problem more that we need to structure society better to enable more intensive parenting (like better leave, more flexible jobs, more support for SAH parents)?

That’s not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems that some people say that intensive parenting is the problem but the outcomes of it seem to be good- healthier kids, better relationship with parents etc. so is the problem more that we need to structure society better to enable more intensive parenting (like better leave, more flexible jobs, more support for SAH parents)?

Extreme on either end is not good. If you think one is better than the other you will find example to support it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Intensive parenting causes the lack of support as parents don’t have time to have their own friends or their own lives. Too busy cultivating their kids so they can grab a spot in the shrinking middle class or smaller but bigger than it used to be UMC.

Some activities come with a support system though. Can’t deny that.

I’m getting my kids and I involved in a Church.

Other than the church bit I agree

That wasn’t an opinion. She is involved in a church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Intensive parenting causes the lack of support as parents don’t have time to have their own friends or their own lives. Too busy cultivating their kids so they can grab a spot in the shrinking middle class or smaller but bigger than it used to be UMC.

Some activities come with a support system though. Can’t deny that.

I’m getting my kids and I involved in a Church.

It's okay to shut up sometimes

Other than the church bit I agree

That wasn’t an opinion. She is involved in a church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Intensive parenting causes the lack of support as parents don’t have time to have their own friends or their own lives. Too busy cultivating their kids so they can grab a spot in the shrinking middle class or smaller but bigger than it used to be UMC.

Some activities come with a support system though. Can’t deny that.

I’m getting my kids and I involved in a Church.

Other than the church bit I agree

That wasn’t an opinion. She is involved in a church.

Religious communities offer support and affirmation based on moral principles, not the meritocracy checklist. They also do service and other acts to build the community.

If you have issues with the God part, there are UU Churches that are pretty active as well. But again, I'm just saying what I find helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Intensive parenting causes the lack of support as parents don’t have time to have their own friends or their own lives. Too busy cultivating their kids so they can grab a spot in the shrinking middle class or smaller but bigger than it used to be UMC.

Some activities come with a support system though. Can’t deny that.

I’m getting my kids and I involved in a Church.

I literally don't even understand how to make close friends and have/be a support system in our modern society. We are not religious. We've made some okay friends with neighbors and through sports, but I wouldn't call any of these people a "support system" and none of them were around before my kids went to elementary school.

Yeah people always say it takes a village. Where is that village? It’s either people with family around OR it’s a mantra repeated by users who take advantage of others’ time and energy.

I'm a little sad reading this .. you don't have friends?

If a friend asks for help it's taking advantage?

You should share that with your therapist.

Different PP, but everyone I know who raves about a “village” is a user. It’s fine to ask for help, but the type to repeatedly need help and assistance while never returning the favor is a user.

[Anonymous]

Well, I think it takes a “village,” but the village is quite difficult to find. The reality of working moms, less church and a more mobile society is that there is less of a village. I am a church goer who completely understands why fewer people are going to church, but we simply haven’t found other institutions that replace that community. Rich people essentially pay for a a village with outsourcing.

I actually think with climate change, we are going to see more inter generational living and a reversion to the “village.” We are already seeing some of this with college grads coming back home because they cannot afford housing. 10 years ago, I would have been more critical of this as looking like “failure to launch,” but I now see the more systemic failures that this is helping solve.

I definitely think intensive parenting is part of the problem as well. And a big part of this intensive parenting thing is also the monetization of activities that used to be more community based. For example, I grew up doing community theatre. It was pretty low stakes and low pressure. Now kids that are interested in this are paying $$$$ for classes that put of shows, have private voice lessons, take dance lessons, etc. Somebody is making a lot of money on this that I never saw as a kid. And I don’t even live in a major city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Intensive parenting causes the lack of support as parents don’t have time to have their own friends or their own lives. Too busy cultivating their kids so they can grab a spot in the shrinking middle class or smaller but bigger than it used to be UMC.

Some activities come with a support system though. Can’t deny that.

I’m getting my kids and I involved in a Church.

I literally don't even understand how to make close friends and have/be a support system in our modern society. We are not religious. We've made some okay friends with neighbors and through sports, but I wouldn't call any of these people a "support system" and none of them were around before my kids went to elementary school.

Same. I don’t get the impression anyone wants friends unless they were childhood friends with you. No one wants to grab drinks or lunch with me. Everything is about kids. Perhaps it’s me and people dislike me, but I don’t see others socializing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Intensive parenting causes the lack of support as parents don’t have time to have their own friends or their own lives. Too busy cultivating their kids so they can grab a spot in the shrinking middle class or smaller but bigger than it used to be UMC.

Some activities come with a support system though. Can’t deny that.

I’m getting my kids and I involved in a Church.

I literally don't even understand how to make close friends and have/be a support system in our modern society. We are not religious. We've made some okay friends with neighbors and through sports, but I wouldn't call any of these people a "support system" and none of them were around before my kids went to elementary school.

I’ve lived in my current (non DC area) only about a year and have a network of close friends. Some through church yes. Others through neighborhood get togethers, kids’ school functions and volunteer work. You have to put in the effort to get results - you have to join groups, go out, be extroverted (at least at first). And yes, some areas of the country are friendlier and more open to meeting new people than others…that’s geographically specific, not an indictment of “modern society.”

Then why is there study after study and article after article lamenting how lonely we all are?