How Social Are You in Public?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

aprilmayjune wrote:It really depends on where we are and what we are doing.. he's not too social with strangers but if it is people we know that's when he's focusing more on them.. but I'm just as social as he is so I really can't complain. I agree with the PP that maybe a discussion would make a large difference.. he may not realize that he's doing this to the point that it bothers you, and may try to be more aware if you share with him.

I've tried explaining to him that it irks me I get stuck with the kids while he roves the neighborhood talking, especially when I was with them all day and he was at work. I have expressed how much I dislike sitting at the bar when we go out to eat, not only am I usually uncomfortable I really dont want to listen to him talk to everyone in our general area. He doesn't get why it bothers me which in turn makes me feel like I have the problem. And I don't think either of us have a *problem*, I just cherish my time away from the kids and dont want to share it with strangers.

Like another poster said, your husband is probably an extravert. Extraverts need to interact with other people as a basic part of their wellbeing. It's like if you are a lifetime dog owner or if you have to be out in nature. There are some things that are part of a person's character, and for your husband this is most likely it.

So rather than letting it irk you, try to think of it as feeding an important need of his. And in return he should take care of some needs of yours. In your case, you need some time away from the kids. I am sure that both needs can be met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, next time you go to a bar with your husband, bring a book, and when he starts spending all his time talking to the bartender, whip out the book and start reading.

We don't go to bars really, we go to restaurants and end up sitting at the bars. TVs! Bartenders! Other people sitting next to us! I guess he finds these things appealing. I don't. I'm home all day with the kids and really like my time alone. I wish there was a compromise but I just get angry when we go out now because I know what's going to end up happening.

I stay home with the kids all day and yet I really like to get out and talk to grownups, about non-kid stuff, when I get the chance. So even though we do the same thing, I have a personality more like your husband. I would love to grab a bar stool and talk to the people sitting next to us. Now my wife is the opposite. She works and yet she wants alone time when she is down. So her job is like your husband's, but her personality is like yours. And so I'd say that your needs are not different because of what you do, but because of who you are.

We try to mix it up in terms of our date nights. We will do some dinners with friends or dinners at a loud bar restaurant where things are more social - maybe catch a game at a sports bar. Then we will pick some places for quiet dinners or a movie or even a walk. We can't stay out all evening because DS2 is still BF, but a few hours seems to be enough for us to recharge. I try to remember that quiet one-on-one time in a calm, hushed environment allows my wife to unwind and recharge. So even if it's not my thing, I like doing it for her sake.

[Anonymous]

Both DH and I are pretty social, less so when we are at a restaurant by ourselves (although that happens infrequently), but much more so when we are at the park wiht the kids. DH talks to all the parents and all the kids. He wants everyone to be friends. I initiate the conversations a little less, but end up talking once DH gets it started.

Sometimes he is so busy with everyone else that he pays less attention to his own kids, but he's usually pretty good about doing both. Its just the way he is.

When its people i dont know but see often, i.e. women in my exercise class, people who wait for the bus with me, I usually try to be friendly and talk to them.

[Anonymous]

PP here -

We always see posts about people who cant make friends or find DC such an unfriendly place, so if people are going to put themselves out there, why not let them? You never know who your next best friend is going to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here -

We always see posts about people who cant make friends or find DC such an unfriendly place, so if people are going to put themselves out there, why not let them? You never know who your next best friend is going to be.

I understand and I agree, but he really doesn't need more friends or commitments. He coaches, he works, he plays a sport, he belongs to networking groups, he has other hobbies. He tends to make plans or invite people out to participate in his hobbies and I don't need more of that in our lives. We are stretched thin as it is, last thing I need is him making plans to fish or hunt or go riding a bike or golfing or boating on a free saturday while I'm home with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read whole thread, but I'm one of those people who chats with everyone adn their sister. I try and make sure it's not unwelcome, but I'm chatty.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Set up a regular block of time once or twice a week, where you leave the kids with him, and you get out to do what you want alone.

I would find it extremely annoying if my husband were that way. Where did he grow up? I've heard that in Pittsburgh everyone talks to everyone ALL the time -- in lines, etc. Here it is more private when you're out.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a personality difference. My husband and I both tend to carry on conversations with strangers. Heck I just spent 15 minutes talking to a random couple from Boston. But at the same time we wouldn't do it to the exclusion of my each other. If it bothers you a lot I would just spend your time together in or grab a table instead of sitting at the bar. Talking to the people next to you at a bar is considered the polite thing to do.

Also, I like the PP's point about everyone always saying no one in this area is friendly. I always thought that was nonsense considering the amount of strangers I talk to on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

My dad is similar to your DH - a very friendly, social guy. Everywhere he goes, he meets people. He's energized by hearing their stories, even if he'll never see them again. My mom was much more reserved; she rarely talked to anyone she didn't know. I'm kind of a hybrid. If I'm comfortable in a situation (like a party where I know a lot of people or a bar where I'm a regular), I will talk to just about anyone. If I'm "the new kid" somewhere or don't feel quite like I fit in, I'm more naturally quiet. But generally, I'm drawn to guys who are a little less naturally social than me. That said, I've rarely had complaints that I wasn't paying them attention.

I used to date a guy who would drink too much and when he did, he pretty much had to talk to everyone he encountered, and barely talked to me. I never felt any more "special" than the random person he'd met 10 minutes before. That really sucked, and it caused a lot of problems, to the point that we broke up. It sounds like you don't feel like you mean more to your husband than everyone else around him.

Would it help if you maybe did more things with your husband in a group of friends? he obviously likes having more people to bounce things off of than just you, and this way he could get conversation from a wider range of people and you could have people paying attention to you.

[Anonymous]

We are both friendly. For example my flight was delayed the other day and rather than not talk to anyone, I talked to several of the passengers sitting by me. I noticed that some people didn't talk and some took to talking to make the time pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is obviously avoiding his family.

Maybe not. He needs to talk about other things, too. You are probably not interested in things that interest him--sports, whatever. Do these other people have their wives or girl friends with them? If so, start a conversation with them. When you are alone with him do you always talk about family, problems, etc. Find something of mutual interest that is not family related. Try to learn something about his favorite sport and ask him about teams, etc. Men are never going to be that interested in fashion, paint colors, whatever. They are men and you have to make allowances for gender specific stupidities (we, women also have GSS and men have to make allowances). Next time he starts talking with someone else, grab him by the collar and give him a big, wet kiss. You'll get his undivided attention.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hate to play devil's advocate, but maybe it's you? Maybe your husband is lonely. You said you didn't appreciate talking as much as he does.

I have found that southerners tend to stare and give looks that make them look silly; while northerners tend to be more friendly and chatty. Flame away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I hate to play devil's advocate, but maybe it's you? Maybe your husband is lonely. You said you didn't appreciate talking as much as he does.

I have found that southerners tend to stare and give looks that make them look silly; while northerners tend to be more friendly and chatty. Flame away.

Are you joking because you don't many southerners. I'm from the south and I don't know a single true southerner who has ever met a stranger.

[Anonymous]

19:07 here. Also, southerns don't look any sillier than yankees with their pinched little mouths and looked as they have been sucking a lemon all their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tend to stay to myself and enjoy the relaxing time out of the house away from the children. I like the quiet, I like the time with my spouse. My spouse on the other hand has to talk to everyone he sees. If I agree we sit at the bar and he ends up chatting with the bartender the entire time. If we are out front with the kids he ends up walking away from me to have some long, drawn out conversation with (childless) neighbors. Even at the grocery store he is striking up chit chat with the cashier. It is endless and everywhere.

I am far from antisocial but sometimes I enjoy his attention and not having to deal with strangers. How social are you? Do you stay to yourself or are you also talking with everyone and anyone?

I am your husband.

You are my husband.

My daughter told my in-laws that the "worstest" thing about me is that I am a talker...

(She's 5)