DD thinks grandma doesn’t like her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you lying to your daughter? You need to validate what appear to be, according to your description, perfectly accurate feelings. Trying to foster a relationship between your child and someone who doesn't really care about them is worse than a waste of time - it trains them to ignore their gut feeling. They'll need that gut feeling when they date, and when they try to strike up professional relationships.

Don't mess with your kid's radar.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

I think it would be validating to your daughter to agree that her grandmother treats her differently than her cousins and you noticed it as well. By letting her know that grandmom wasn't always kind with you and you felt the same way at her age would let her know that it's not a problem with her but rather that grandmother is a difficult person.

[Anonymous]

My mom is the same. I told my DS she loves him in her own way, but that if he doesn’t see/feel it from her that is just the way she is, unfortunately. It’s sad.

She is like this with all her grandkids once they get to be ~ elementary school age. She doesn’t like children older than about 3-4. It was the same with me. I remember thinking my mom was nice until about kindergarten and then she wasn’t nice to me anymore.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever had a discussion with your mom about how she treats you or your DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever had a discussion with your mom about how she treats you or your DD?

OP here, yes. But she deflects and acts like it's all in my head.

[Anonymous]

I closely know someone with a story like yours op, and in her case she has a predetermined idea of what the relationship with grandma should look like. Both she and her husband foster that kind of thinking in their kids.

Are you white you’re not setting up yourself and your daughter to some expectations about what grandma should be like?

[Anonymous]

^ Are you sure you’re …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I closely know someone with a story like yours op, and in her case she has a predetermined idea of what the relationship with grandma should look like. Both she and her husband foster that kind of thinking in their kids.

Are you white you’re not setting up yourself and your daughter to some expectations about what grandma should be like?

OP here. No, because I had pretty low expectations on my mom as a grandma (just because of how she was for me as a mom). I think some of the expectations from my DD are formed because she does see her being a good grandma to her cousin and sees a more typical relationship with her other grandma. I wouldn't say she's extremely close with her other grandma, but she does notice that her other grandma shows an interest in her. So I think it's kind of human nature to compare, especially when she can see my mom is capable of being a decent grandma to her other grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Be honest with your kid, OP. You didn't have a great relationship with your mom, either. She needs to hear it, not be shielded from it. I had a rocky relationship with my mom (I suspect she was a covert narc) and told my teens so. I didn't tell them she was narcissistic (e.g., try to diagnose her), I just told them how I could never quite connect with her. How my mom was a total mystery to me in some ways. It helps your kid know she's not alone. It isn't only people's words, OP. Your kid is reading grandma's body language, too. Sighs, eyes, posture, shoulders, etc. Our body language often speaks far more loudly than our words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I closely know someone with a story like yours op, and in her case she has a predetermined idea of what the relationship with grandma should look like. Both she and her husband foster that kind of thinking in their kids.

Are you white you’re not setting up yourself and your daughter to some expectations about what grandma should be like?

OP here. No, because I had pretty low expectations on my mom as a grandma (just because of how she was for me as a mom). I think some of the expectations from my DD are formed because she does see her being a good grandma to her cousin and sees a more typical relationship with her other grandma. I wouldn't say she's extremely close with her other grandma, but she does notice that her other grandma shows an interest in her. So I think it's kind of human nature to compare, especially when she can see my mom is capable of being a decent grandma to her other grandchild.

You may have low expectations of grandma, but you may have high expectations of what a grandma should be like.

How often is your daughter around this grandma and the other cousins? Are the cousins chatty and tell a lot by themselves? Also, it can be that personality wise your daughter and grandma don’t mash as well as grandma does with the cousin.

You’re setting up your kid for a lot of disappointments counting beans

[Anonymous]

I mean, I can relate as someone who had the same feeling about her maternal grandmother. My Granny never showed any interest in me at all. I never mentioned it to my mom as a kid (mostly because I had the absolute best grandma on my paternal side). I did say something as an adult, and I could tell it made my mom sad, but oh well.

I'm still perfectly well adjusted! Just make sure your daughter knows there's nothing she's doing wrong!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same scenario but my mom was really horrible to me for years when I was growing up (emotional not physical stuff.)) She started becoming nicer to me after I got married and she liked my husband and wanted access to our family, but when she started making Critical comments about my toddler aged daughter I really set some very clear limits for myself on time with her. I simply was not going let my kid experience what I experienced growing up. I would advise you to do the same. At some point, it means having a conversation with your kid about your mom’s tendency to say mean things or whatever. It might make your kid like grandma less. Oh well. Grandma should have done better.

+1. OP, it’s your responsibility to shield your daughter from this bullsh*t. Grow a pair, tell your Mom to get it together or she doesn’t get to see your daughter anymore and tell your daughter that you mom has issues and not to take anything she says or does personally. That she is simply an unhappy person.

[Anonymous]

We used to go
Visit my grandmother and she had a drawer full of special snacks that were only for my cousins. We would ask if we could have a treat and she would say no. There wasn’t really much food in the house other than that. I remember my father taking some moldy cheese out of the fridge and scraping the mold off and giving us that for a treat. But he still made us visit her every single week. Don’t do that. We knew this women didn’t like us and wondered what we were doing there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell her Grandma has her own issues and not to take anything that feels negative personally.

+1. As a kid, I was either given this type of information explicitly or deduced it.

Knowing what I know about one of my grandmas today, from the perspective of adulthood, I actually have a better understanding of why she was the way she was (summary: she was a "parentified" oldest sibling who was a foster for half of her childhood). As a kid, I just thought she was kind of a grumpy downer compared to my friendly, loving, talented maternal grandmother (raised in an intact, loving, educated family).

You need to walk a fine line between explaining and judging, and allowing whatever love there is in the relationship to be expressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We used to go
Visit my grandmother and she had a drawer full of special snacks that were only for my cousins. We would ask if we could have a treat and she would say no. There wasn’t really much food in the house other than that. I remember my father taking some moldy cheese out of the fridge and scraping the mold off and giving us that for a treat. But he still made us visit her every single week. Don’t do that. We knew this women didn’t like us and wondered what we were doing there

Maybe your cousins’ parent left the treats there. Maybe your dad should have left treats in another drawer for when you all would visit.

Maybe your grandma was poor, hence the moldy cheese.

Did you all bring anything to grandma?